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Posts Tagged ‘Rich Assholes’

#47 Rich People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I am the Lord your God. If you be a rich man or woman, I hate your stupid guts and I will punish you for the wealth I have given you. I am the Lord your God.

In My first book I made it quite clear that I hate rich people and all that they represent. Their hearts are greedy – their minds are arrogant – their souls are dumb. Two thousand years ago I said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me. And nowadays I tell you it is even more impossible for a rich man to get into Heaven. Adjusted for inflation, now it is easier for a fat lesbian camel high on meth to make it through a complicated Japanese obstacle course than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.

I am the Lord your God. I hate rich people no matter what. No matter how they have earned their wealth – I hate them! I don’t care if they made their money as a professional hitman for Pat Robertson himself – I hate them! They have forgotten Me; they give all the glory of their success to their stupid human brains – I hate them! I am the Lord your God.

But I hear you think; what about all the great leaders from the Bible I blessed with wealth? Is there not a single rich person I love? NO!

King David? Abraham? Job? I used each one of those rich bastards to My advantage; nothing more, nothing less. I punished each one of those chumps with My vicious genital warts smite! Go ahead, look it up.

The rich covet gold above all else, but they will get what they deserve. Be it a sudden gang raping by a roving pack of homeless homosexuals, or just simple bankruptcy and public humiliation; fear not, for I promise you they shall get what they deserve.

Bunch of rich, pompous assholes…think they’re so smart! I tell you it brings Me such sublime joy to crush a rich person down into nothingness. And the vast hordes of banker-bastards and wall street schmucks I have smoten in the last several weeks has brought Me an intense happiness and fulfillment I have not felt since the flood. Why, just today I finished My smite on this one smug super-douchey investment banker I hate. Tonight he became so distraught at losing his job and having his Mercedes repossessed that he shot himself, his wife and his three kids. It was a beautiful thing to see.

If you are reading this and you are a rich person, I warn you: if you wish to avoid eternal damnation and smitation you must give away your ridiculous trinkets and give all your money to Me and cast yourself down into the dregs of the middle class.

I repeat: I command all you rich assholes out there to give Me all your wealth and worldly possessions or else I shall be forced to reach down into your stomach and rip out your intestines through your throat. Well, perhaps not literally – perhaps I will just have you lose your cushy Wall Street job and transform you into some lame Honda salesman in Hackensack, NJ – but at any rate this is what your punishment will feel like to you when it comes.

I am the Lord your God. I tell you there is not a single rich human* on the planet that I do not detest. They are all total a-holes. I am the Lord your God.

* I hate rich humans, but have no problem with rich animals (such as ducks). However, cats filthy rich from crazy-cat-lady inheritance money must be shot on sight. I am the Lord your God.

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