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Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I want to talk about someone I hate so much I would like to kill him, and resurrect him, and just keep continually killing him for the rest of time in as infinitely many ways possible. The person of whom I speak, is, of course, George W. Bush.

Yes, that’s right, I, The Almighty Lord your God, hate George Bush too. But probably not for the same reasons you do. I could not possibly care less about the American economy, the price of oil, or all the American troops and citizens that are now dead directly because of Bush. I…JUST…DON’T…CARE! Ok?!

Nope, I hate Bush for far, far more serious reasons. For one thing, he’s dirty! As you well know, cleanliness is close to Me. Well Bush refuses, absolutely refuses, to shower every week. He rarely brushes his teeth (unless Laura does it for him) and never washes his hands after he poos. His handlers just slap extra makeup on him and that nasty little cuss walks around all day shaking hands with world leaders using hands he just used to wipe his ass. I tell you, the sick freak actually gets off on it.

That’s another thing – George Bush masturbates, constantly! Masturbation is one of the things I strictly forbid, and Bush just can’t stop torturing his one-eyed pants detainee. On average, President Bush jerks off two to three times a day. And the worse off America is, the more he does it! Disasters and recession have a way of making Bush horny. He becomes intensely sexually aroused at the idea that the world needs him to save it – 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina sent Bush into a masturbating frenzy.

But besides the fact that he’s a filthy pervert, he’s also unpleasant and annoying on a personal level. I hate him so much! I just can’t stand to even look at his stupid face. More than anything though, I hate his stupid laugh! It’s unbearable! The mere sound of it makes Me want to toss him off a cliff and dash his brains on the rocks below!

Also…he’s the kind of person who will make promises and get your hopes all up nice and high, only to get wasted drunk and let you down in the end. Have you ever been burned really bad by someone you thought was your friend? Ok, well that’s kind of what happened with Me and George W.

Truth is, I used to think he was a swell guy. I mean, I was close with his dad and had promised to make his descendants rulers and stuff many years back. And so I watched George Jr. grow up with interest. I even did coke with him a bunch of times in college, and when he killed this old lady with his car one night, I protected him and made it all go away.

We were the best of pals! We had (have) everything in common. I hate snitches, he hates snitches. I hate anal, he hates anal. I hate science, he hates science. You get the picture.

And so, when the time came in 2000, I used My Powers to make him King of America. And for a while, everything was hunky-dory. I would tell him what to do, and he’d do it. Thing was, I made him pinky-swear not to tell anybody. And what did that asshole do, just two years later? He betrayed Me (of course!) and told everyone I had told him to invade Babylon! He also began worshiping the pagan “god” Molech and even sent money and aid-relief to the heathen continent of Africa!

After everything I had done for that retard, that was how he repaid Me! Well, I immediately stopped giving him pointers and it’s all been downhill for him since then. Everyone hates him now, and everyone will continue to hate him for the rest of time. When he dies from not wearing his seatbelt in 2012, he’s going straight to hell and everyone will make jokes about him being a dumbass. That’s what you get you stupid jerk!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I, The Almighty Lord, declare My Righteous Anger with a very large group of human idiots – the 9/11* conspiracy theorists.

Do you know who I’m talking about? These are the scummy people who always try to convince you that the U.S. government or terrorists were the ones responsible for 9/11.

Their preposterous theories include such notions as:

The World Trade Center Buildings were wired with explosives.

United 93 was shot down by the military.

Muslim terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the buildings.

Isn’t it amazing what some people will believe? Completely ludicrous! There is no conspiracy. Everyone with half-a-brain knows it was ME!

Well, they should know anyway. They’ve all been told, over and over again, by the news media (or their sweaty pothead friend) that it was either Osama bin Laden or George W. Bush who did it.

Nope! Sorry! Neither one of those stupid spoiled brats had anything to do with it. I and I alone, The Sovereign Lord God Almighty, was responsible for every phase of the operation – the planning, the flying, the blowing shit up – that was all Me! And quite frankly, I’m sick of other people getting all the credit for My Awesome Works.

I mean, what the hell do I have to do? I even posed in the smoke for you people and what do you do? You give the credit to Satanus. GRRGGH!

It’s like people these days don’t even believe that I’m capable of hate, anger or seriously smiting some shit. But I don’t give a flying fuck. I smote America on 9/11 ’cause I was bored and looking for some fun.

Believe Me human, I am no lovey-dovey-hippie-wuss. I’ll destroy this entire planet again and start over from scratch if I feel like it. Just say the word!

*The phrase 9/11 refers to a series of super-incredible smitings that took place on September 11, 2001.

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#10 Hillary Clinton

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

On this primary Tuesday, I’d like to take some time from My busy schedule of rigging the election to talk about someone I hate with a passion – Hillary Clinton.

Why do I hate her so much? I don’t know. Not really sure. Just something about her I don’t like I guess.

Maybe it’s because she’s a woman. That’s a big strike against her already because as I discussed last week, I, the Lord your God, hold an eternal grudge against women.

Or maybe it’s her wrinkly, disgusting face. Or the way her eyes bulge out of her head when she gets angry. Or her incredible fat ass.

Or it could be because she’s so fake. Or because she’s such a conniving bitch. Then again, maybe I hate her because her domestic policies are so full of flaws.

Well, whatever the reason, I hate the fat pig and she’s going right back to hell when I let her die. But not before I have some more fun with her while she’s still on Earth.

Oh, I’ve already arranged to have her remembered for all time as the most famous cheated-on wife ever. But I have even more in store for Hillary.

I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure she loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.

This outrage will drive her crazy for the rest of her life. And I’m going to let her live till the age of 103! They’ll still be making Lewinsky jokes then.

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#7 Women

Evil bitches

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about – My deep and abiding hatred for women.

Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it.

I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want. I’m sure you’re wondering about all My Conquests.

Aphrodite? Did her.

Lakshmi, the 4-armed Hindu Sex Goddess? You bet.

Marilyn Monroe? I have her tied up in My Bed right now.

Yup, I’ve basically had sex with every hot woman who ever existed. Many, many times.

But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!

And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.

I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.

But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.

SLUT!I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

They’re rife with design flaws. I mean, sure, they look fabulous and you just want to grab’em and do nasty things. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re all vile, selfish little whores that scowl at you when you hold the door open for them. And do they ever say thank you?

The answer is: rarely. I’ve watched every instance of this situation since doors were first invented. And women only say thank you 17% of the time. Mostly they just stride through like it’s every man’s job to hold doors open for strange bitches.

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I HATE WOMEN! If you’re a woman, you know this to be true. Deep down, you’ve always known.

But I digress. Getting back to that slut Eve, what do you think is the first thing that backstabbing bitch ever did?

Yup, that’s right. Stab Me in the back. She betrayed Me, the Lord God Almighty, who gave her absolutely everything, for some smooth-talking serpent. BITCH!

Also, at around the same time all this was going on I was on a lot of painkillers because I had just caught Aphrodite cheating on Me with this douche Adonis.

So anyway, I decided to punish women for all eternity. You might not be aware of this, but I made it so that they bleed once a month. For a week!

I also made several sweet alterations to the pregnancy process. See, originally, the human pregnancy cycle was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I extended that to nine long months of weight gain.

Also, babies were originally only going to be about the size of a Raisinet and would be born out of the woman’s mouth. I changed this so that the average baby weighed 7 pounds and came out headfirst through the most painful place possible (the vagina.)

Finally, I made women half as strong as men, so that a man could always just beat the crap out of a woman if she ever got too annoying.

HA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WOMAN!

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