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Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

#38 Judas Iscariot

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace: Jesus The Christ.

Whatup mufuckers! Jesus is back and better than ever. Niggaz betta recognize!!!

Y’all bustas prolly wondering what I’m doing back. I know y’all don’t like it neever – y’all didn’t want Me coming back. Haha, it taste like ass in yo’ mouf!

Well fuck y’all! I just spent a monf and a half in the toughest pen in the hizzy- ADX supermax out in CO. My pops sent Me there after I disrespected his blog a little while back. He told me if I stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fuck some niggas up and bust out a prison I could come back to Heaven.

So yo, I wuz up in that fuckin’ place for like 5 minutes before I took that shit over. I was down with the Latin Kings from the jumpoff. They wuz callin’ Me ‘Hey-Zoos’ and shit. I hit the weights, fucked some bitches, stabbed some fuckin’ guards, took they guns and shot My way out the front mufuckin’ gate!

So yeah, I learned how to fight and shit. But still God wuz like, whatever Jesus you asshole, you been bitching out on Me for 2000 years – now you gots to fucking roll on some atheist niggaz for Me out in Cali.

So I went out there and fucked up those atheist bitches, word is bond. God took Me back last night and wuz like DAAAMMN SON! You been born-again hard as a muthafukka!

Shit nigga, He was so happy He wuz like, go ahead and pop off on any mufucka you hate son. SO THAT’S WHAT I’S IS GONNA DO.

So yo, let Me spit some truf right now. The first mufucka on My List is that mark-ass busta Judas mufuckin’ Iscariot.

FUCK YOU JUDAS!

You used to be My homey, you used to be My ace, and now I wanna slap the taste out yo’ mouf! You fucking gay-ass bastard. You sold Me out to the mufuckin’ Romans, showed them who I wuz by kissin’ Me on the mouf, and then left Me hanging on a cross to die! And fo’ what? 30 fuckin’ pieces of silver. You fuckin’ trick-ass busta!

I been patiently waitin’ to fuck you up for 1,975 years, bitch. Yeah, you been burning in hell, getting fucked in yo’ass by demons and shit since then, but that shit iz just too good for you. Now you gonna get the beatdown of all eternal beatdowns from Me and My homies. Me and the WHOLE KREW of 11 true-head Apostles is gonna straight fuck your bitch-ass up, Judas.

Fuckin’ Petey the Stanky Left-Hand Killa, Big James, John Couga Ho Slappa , Andy the Skull Cruncha, Phil the Rump-Thumpin’ Prison Fish, Fat Ugly Melon Balls Bart, Machete Masta Matt, Old Forty Sippa Tom, Lil’ Jimmy, Gatmasta Thad, and Simon the Drunken Tang Chasa; yo all dem niggaz is just itchin’ to pop a cap in yo’ass! And I’m a let’em too. We gonna make you WISH your punk-ass was back in hell. Shit, you be lucky if you keeps any of yo’ teef when we done with yo’ dumb ass.

Oh and by the way, I fucked yo’ bitch.

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#11 Being Crucified

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I genuinely hate – being crucified.

You know, if there’s one thing I don’t ever want to experience again, it’s being nailed to a cross and poked with spears. Man, that really hurt.

Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true!

See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.

So that was Me up there on the cross. I mean, I was also in Heaven watching, but whatever. I don’t want to confuse your simple human mind. However you want to look at it, getting crucified by Romans totally sucks monkey balls.

Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard you cried? Ok, now take that pain and multiply it by about a zillion. Are you beginning to understand what I went through for you people?

Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention that.

I let Myself get killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible, and all for your benefit. You ungrateful bastard!

I got killed for you and you barely even go to church anymore! And the last time you went you only put five dollars in the collection plate. You cheap schmuck!

Give Me more money or face My Wrath!

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