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Posts Tagged ‘Jerks’

Ask God: September

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

David: Dear God, do you hate the Mormons? Is that why you had that mob kill Joseph Smith in 1844?

GOD: First, as to your latter question, I had to smite Joseph Smith because he had gone mad with power, and absolutely fucking hate it when pitiful humans do that. Smith is still getting his ass torn apart by fiery demon cock. As to your former query, I do not hate the entire Mormon religion – just the effeminate-politically correct-single-wife-having Mormons that reside in Salt Lake City, Utah. None of them have any balls.

QUESTION #2:

Master Shake: What is Your opinion on telemarketers?

GOD: I hate them as much as you do. Unless they are working the phones on My Behalf. Then I love them.

QUESTION #3:

Christian The Jew: God, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are they really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?

GOD: No, they are not attention whores. Far from it. These are just people who are so incredibly special that I have chosen to speak to them personally. It just so happens I only speak to them when they are in church and surrounded by everyone they know.

QUESTION #4:

Anne Johnson: God, can we talk?

GOD: No. I don’t negotiate with pagan wenches. I SMITE THEM!

Bono prepares to chow down on yet another African baby.

QUESTION #5:

Sue Doenimm: If you hate Africa, You must not like Bono much, then?

GOD: Of course not. What a dumb question. The answer is so obvious!

QUESTION #6:

Evangelist Curtis: God, why do You allow things to be so fucked up?

GOD: Because it amuses Me! Your delicious sorrow and sweet tears bring Me endless entertainment and joy.

QUESTION #7:

Aesculopius: Good God, God, why are You so duplicitous?

GOD: I’m not. I never lie. I always tell the truth. What reason have I to lie? Lest you forget, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

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Ask God: August

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Nun: A question for you, God… do you ever worry that some Jesus-freak is going to come after you for the blog?

Will never find Me.

Will never find Me.

GOD: No. I don’t worry about that. Unlike you human cowards, I have no fear of death. Besides, even if I was a mortal, wordpress.com offers total anonymity. I am switching to Mine Own Heavenly Server soon anyway, and the website StuffGodHates.com is registered by proxy, just to make sure none of you fanatics ever discover My Earthly mailing address. And even if one of you freaks did ever manage to ‘find’ Me I would utterly destroy you.

Nun – you are paranoid. I blame the massive amounts of My Green Leaf you smoke. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your stash till you get your head clear.

QUESTION #2:

Christian: God, why does Satan get most of the cool people?

GOD: He doesn’t, you asshole. You have absolutely no idea who I send to hell and who I let adore Me for all eternity. Only the coolest people get into Heaven.

QUESTION #3:

IAmBetterThanYou: Dear Your Holy God: What are Your thoughts on that fraud preacher who faked having cancer just to hide his porn addiction and made a killing in the Christian Music industry, and how are You going to smite this bastard?

GOD: I’m going to give him cancer of the penis.

QUESTION #4:

Uppity Cracka: It’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. Why does this happen God? Why?

GOD: Ah yes. You are referring to My Gigantisize Smite, one of My favorite vanity-crushing smites. This is when I expand the size of a human’s body part to grotesquely large proportions. I also do the opposite, but either way this type of smite yields extremely amusing results.

Specifically in this case you are talking about what I did to Alfonso Robiero, AKA Carlton. I hate that smug prick. I’m glad to see his smite is coming along nicely. Wait another 5 years. His head will be twice as large by then.

QUESTION #5: (In reference to Deuteronomy 23:1)

Josh: What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them? And please can I be your favorite again?

GOD: Eunuchs are the biggest chumps in the history of man. And in the history of penis, for that matter. They do not honor Me. Nowhere in My Book do I authorize what they do, in fact quite the opposite!

As to the last part of your question: No. You will never be anyone’s favorite again.

QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10)

McSchmahl: Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?

GOD: Excellent question; you are asking about one of the many specific sexual situations I neglected to cover in My Book. The answer is yes, it makes Me very glad to see sperm saved in sterile jars, so long as you correctly sign and date them, and only if you insert said sperm in your dead brother’s wife.

QUESTION #7:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: God; I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet. My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else? And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?

GOD: Yo Yo, I realize you asked this question 15 days ago, and that is why I am so pleased you have not flushed, nor let anyone else flush, the 4th office men’s bathroom stall. I especially appreciate you camping there with your laptop, faithfully awaiting My reply. I shall award you with any one of the hot girls in your office you want to have sex with, and make sure your wife never finds out or that you ever feel any guilt. The sex will be wonderful, you will have enough to get your fill, and then the girl will move three thousand miles away – never to be heard from again.

As to your question, by all means, do not flush it. Take pictures and call every news outlet in existence until they show up to cover this. I will bless your endeavor and bring people to this Holy Shite. You can expect no miracles from the toilet water, I just want humans to see the Slut Mary for the colossal piece of shit she is.

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#37 NASA

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

This week marks the 50th anniversary of NASA, and so I, THE LORD, have decided to talk about My 50-years-old grudge against NASA, or as I like to call it, The National Atheism and Science Administration.

I hate NASA! It is a snakepit of incestuous heathens who wouldn’t know Me if I crawled down their throats and burst out their bellies in a flash of blood and guts.

As I have discussed before, I have a deep and abiding hate for science, and NASA is nothing but a group of science twitpigs who take pride only in knowing and making more damned science.

What are they trying to prove? Why do humans need to explore outer space? Have I not provided you with all that you need and more on planet Earth?!

The only reasons I can surmise is that you villainous worms are either trying to find My Heavenly Lair (which you will never find in outer space), or you are trying to find all the other intelligent life I have created.

I cannot and I will not allow this to happen. If My human followers were to suddenly find out that I’ve created thousands of other worlds and been cheating on them with several different and very attractive alien species, the consequences to My Image would be catastrophic. Humans would never trust Me again.

And so I have thwarted NASA’s efforts and smote them repeatedly over the last 50 years. Every mechanical failure and difficulty NASA has had was due to My Divine Sabotage. In fact, in 50 years they never had one spaceship launch that wasn’t delayed at least 10 times thanks to Me. Unfortunately, most of the time they would find and fix everything I did and their stupid space flight would go fine.

Of course, this just made Me want to blow up those shuttles even more. And I’m proud to report…I did! You may not have heard about it, as it was boring NASA news, but on two occasions I completely obliterated NASA space shuttles out of the sky. It’s true!

My proudest smiting was that one shuttle I blew up in the 80’s…what was it called again? You know, the one with that dumb woman teacher they blamed the crash on. CHALLENGER! That’s it. I remember now, because it was like they were taunting Me, just challenging Me to destroy it. Man that was sweet.

Naturally, these smitings had the exact effect I had planned. Humans continued to lose their faith in those cross-dressing science-loving drunkards until they grounded the shuttle program forever. And so, after a mere 50 years of battle, today I declare Myself the Victor. Suck it NASA!

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