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Posts Tagged ‘God’

#48 Forgiveness

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I’m really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It’s stupid, it’s a waste of time, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.

All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I’ve put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you’ve committed a sin, don’t come knocking on Heaven’s door, cause I’m done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.

Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would’ve ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I’ve heard them all a million times before. Here’s a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:

“Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen.”

“Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!”

“God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one.”

All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it’s gotten to be just a little bit irritating.

Also, I generally don’t like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don’t know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and ‘tucks her in’ again the very next night. Not cool!

You know, I wouldn’t even be in this mess if it wasn’t for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He’s the one who had to shout out on the cross, “Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he’s too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.

My Jews earn their forgiveness.

Anyway, I guess I’m reminded of all this because it’s Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It’s hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.

My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They’re the best.

But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!

To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#47 Rich People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I am the Lord your God. If you be a rich man or woman, I hate your stupid guts and I will punish you for the wealth I have given you. I am the Lord your God.

In My first book I made it quite clear that I hate rich people and all that they represent. Their hearts are greedy – their minds are arrogant – their souls are dumb. Two thousand years ago I said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me. And nowadays I tell you it is even more impossible for a rich man to get into Heaven. Adjusted for inflation, now it is easier for a fat lesbian camel high on meth to make it through a complicated Japanese obstacle course than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.

I am the Lord your God. I hate rich people no matter what. No matter how they have earned their wealth – I hate them! I don’t care if they made their money as a professional hitman for Pat Robertson himself – I hate them! They have forgotten Me; they give all the glory of their success to their stupid human brains – I hate them! I am the Lord your God.

But I hear you think; what about all the great leaders from the Bible I blessed with wealth? Is there not a single rich person I love? NO!

King David? Abraham? Job? I used each one of those rich bastards to My advantage; nothing more, nothing less. I punished each one of those chumps with My vicious genital warts smite! Go ahead, look it up.

The rich covet gold above all else, but they will get what they deserve. Be it a sudden gang raping by a roving pack of homeless homosexuals, or just simple bankruptcy and public humiliation; fear not, for I promise you they shall get what they deserve.

Bunch of rich, pompous assholes…think they’re so smart! I tell you it brings Me such sublime joy to crush a rich person down into nothingness. And the vast hordes of banker-bastards and wall street schmucks I have smoten in the last several weeks has brought Me an intense happiness and fulfillment I have not felt since the flood. Why, just today I finished My smite on this one smug super-douchey investment banker I hate. Tonight he became so distraught at losing his job and having his Mercedes repossessed that he shot himself, his wife and his three kids. It was a beautiful thing to see.

If you are reading this and you are a rich person, I warn you: if you wish to avoid eternal damnation and smitation you must give away your ridiculous trinkets and give all your money to Me and cast yourself down into the dregs of the middle class.

I repeat: I command all you rich assholes out there to give Me all your wealth and worldly possessions or else I shall be forced to reach down into your stomach and rip out your intestines through your throat. Well, perhaps not literally – perhaps I will just have you lose your cushy Wall Street job and transform you into some lame Honda salesman in Hackensack, NJ – but at any rate this is what your punishment will feel like to you when it comes.

I am the Lord your God. I tell you there is not a single rich human* on the planet that I do not detest. They are all total a-holes. I am the Lord your God.

* I hate rich humans, but have no problem with rich animals (such as ducks). However, cats filthy rich from crazy-cat-lady inheritance money must be shot on sight. I am the Lord your God.

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Pray to God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this new monthly feature, the faithful readers of My Divine Blog are granted the opportunity to send Me exactly one prayer request.

Just think of it! This allows you, a puny mortal, the incredible opportunity to bypass all the infinite bureaucracy and mularky associated with normal praying and ask The Lord Almighty directly for a favor! No more begging that whore Mary for help! Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!

Naturally, you will be expected to follow the usual protocol I expect. All prayers must begin with ‘Dear’ and some variation of praise unto Me, His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord your God. You must then humbly send Me your prayer, and be sure to give proper respect throughout by capitalizing all mentions of My Wondrous Person. And verily, when your prayer is concluded, you must thank The Lord profusely and then say ‘Amen.’ If you follow these rules I have laid before you, I promise I will answer your prayer. If you do not follow these rules, I promise I will not answer your ‘prayer.’

So go ahead mortal, pray to Me!

Disclaimer: Although all prayers are answered, they are very often not the answer you desire.

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God in the News – Guardian Angels

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Greetings humans. You know, I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately; My latest smite on China only managed to kill a measly 3 babies; sacrilegious scientists are getting ever closer to finding My Divine Particle; and one of My Angels failed to smite these two douchebags for Me. Also, I’m on bad terms with Jesus and that slut-whore Mary right now. But then just when things couldn’t get any worse, I read about this and felt completely restored:

Most Americans Believe in Guardian Angels

I love Americans! They are so good to Me. Sometimes I feel like the American people are MY guardian angels.

No matter how hard I smite them, those wonderful little sheeple just keep on believing in Me! Their faith is truly astonishing.

I can ravage their country over and over and over again with My Hurricane and Tornado Smites, destroy their tallest buildings AND their economy, and even make the entire Universe hate them…and yet they never stop loving Me.

America is indeed a great country. She is like one of those wonderful beaten wives; you can fuck her and beat her and then fuck her and beat her again, and she will just be grateful if you let her live!

The infinite faith Americans put in Me -and in My Army of Angels – makes me very happy. But in reading this article, what makes Me happier still is how they always assume My Angels are on Earth solely for their protection. What a conceited fallacy!

American Angels NEVER look like this. They are fat.

American Angels don't look like this. They are unsightly slobs.

I would put the amount of time the average Angelic foot soldier spends protecting a human to be about 5%, at best. Most of the time they are carrying out various smite missions. Perhaps the reason Americans believe in ‘guardian’ angels is because, like Americans themselves, the Angels I have covering the USA are slovenly and incompetent.

Take the case of these two dirty rock music bastards. I signed a standard form #747 Plane-Crash Smite Order for their deaths, and one of My American Angels screwed up the hit-job because he smoked a fat blunt beforehand. And yet these two rocker idiots (and their fans) will likely attribute their continued existence to the presence of a ‘guardian’ angel. HA!

Americans, you are very lovable little fools. You just keep believing in Me and My Angel Death Squadrons no matter what, ok? I like that. One of these days I will get around to tossing a few more blessings your way. I swear to Me.

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God on the Internet

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello My children. On the advice of Jesus, who is rather tech savvy, I signed up for a couple of social networking sites last night. I set up a new profile at Twitter, where I plan on just posting little updates on what I’m doing, or ‘tweets’ as they are called. Sounds pretty lame to Me. But who knows, it might be fun. I need some fun.

I also set up a profile at the blasphemous website Atheist Nexus, where I plan on finding baby-eating atheists to smite. I might even try and convince a few into believing in Me. I do like a challenge.

And in the future I will likely setup profiles on both MySpace and Facebook as well. Although Jesus says only dirty minorities use MySpace anymore…so…yeah. Maybe I’ll just skip that one.

UPDATE: I’ve gotten one of those stupid facebook pages.

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#46 Boner Pills

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.

I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!!

Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.

Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.

Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.

DAMN YOU VIAGRA!

Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.

Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.

Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.

Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; “Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?”

SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!

I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I’ve hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.

The Lord writes about what He wants!

In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.

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#45 Impotence

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about something I hate very, very much: impotence. I am not referring to impotence as a general powerlessness that the meek and lowly have; this type of impotence pleases the LORD.

No, I am referring to when a man is unable to raise his penis up towards the Heavens. This is pathetic! Nothing shows a lack of faith like a ‘man’ who can’t get a rock-hard 2-hour erection whenever he needs to.

Now I must admit, as a means of smiting a man that I hate, there is no weapon more useful in humbling man than taking away his ability to fuck. So I do love to use My Floppy-Dick Smite from time to time. It’s highly amusing.

What I hate is, when I have not specifically decided to smite a man with floppy-dick…and yet he STILL has trouble inserting his penis into his woman. There is only one reason and one reason alone for such heresy, and that is a disturbing lack of faith in Me.

Verily, did not My son Jesus (Me) tell you all before that if you have but the faith of a grain of mustard seed, you will be able to tell a mountain to move and it will get up and move?

Then why do you hollow men not command your cocks to get up and move?! This is simple. Because you have no faith! You are blasphemers and cowards and I hate the lot of you!

Verily, those who have faith in Me, shall always get it up, and shall never come too quickly.

Because of you perfidious pansies, every day I must watch millions of My Divine Penis creations sit around neglected and unused…and all thanks to the unmanliness of their owners.

All My Penises desire, all they ever want to do, is to pound away on some pussy! And maybe pee in some snow. But no! You faithless pagan bastards can’t even let them do that! What’s wrong with you?!

Listen, it’s ok. Just relax and breathe. Just relax, and things will take care of themselves, ok human? Breathe. Breathe. I SAID BREATHE DAMN YOU!

What?! What is it? Why can’t you do it? You don’t think that I, the LORD your God, am beautiful?! I don’t make you hot and bothered with faith? Or is it that you don’t think I love you? Why don’t you have faith in Me anymore?!

ERRGH! I HATE YOU! YOU BUTT-FUCKING SODOMITES!

Oh, what’s the use in trying? You know, real men don’t have this problem. Devout men of faith, who pray to Me everyday for penis-help, never have a problem fucking anything, be it too big or too small.

Well, I suppose the good news for Me is I don’t need to waste My Time smiting these bonerless freaks. Their lack of faith is its own punishment.

Let this serve as a lesson to the rest of you: he who does not have faith in The Lord God Almighty, smites himself!

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