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Ask God: September

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

David: Dear God, do you hate the Mormons? Is that why you had that mob kill Joseph Smith in 1844?

GOD: First, as to your latter question, I had to smite Joseph Smith because he had gone mad with power, and absolutely fucking hate it when pitiful humans do that. Smith is still getting his ass torn apart by fiery demon cock. As to your former query, I do not hate the entire Mormon religion – just the effeminate-politically correct-single-wife-having Mormons that reside in Salt Lake City, Utah. None of them have any balls.

QUESTION #2:

Master Shake: What is Your opinion on telemarketers?

GOD: I hate them as much as you do. Unless they are working the phones on My Behalf. Then I love them.

QUESTION #3:

Christian The Jew: God, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are they really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?

GOD: No, they are not attention whores. Far from it. These are just people who are so incredibly special that I have chosen to speak to them personally. It just so happens I only speak to them when they are in church and surrounded by everyone they know.

QUESTION #4:

Anne Johnson: God, can we talk?

GOD: No. I don’t negotiate with pagan wenches. I SMITE THEM!

Bono prepares to chow down on yet another African baby.

QUESTION #5:

Sue Doenimm: If you hate Africa, You must not like Bono much, then?

GOD: Of course not. What a dumb question. The answer is so obvious!

QUESTION #6:

Evangelist Curtis: God, why do You allow things to be so fucked up?

GOD: Because it amuses Me! Your delicious sorrow and sweet tears bring Me endless entertainment and joy.

QUESTION #7:

Aesculopius: Good God, God, why are You so duplicitous?

GOD: I’m not. I never lie. I always tell the truth. What reason have I to lie? Lest you forget, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

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