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Posts Tagged ‘Christianity’

#29 Sandals

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace, The Lord of Lords and The King of Kings: Jesus The Christ.

Hello My Children! I am greatly pleased to speak with you today.

First, you are likely wondering where My Father is and why I am posting on His Blog. Ha! Curious human. You are like a man, who, upon being given a glorious barrel of watermelons, first asks what supermarket it came from. The man asked and asked, and then before he knew it another man came and stole his melons. Hear Me now, for I bring you wisdom more precious than any melon!

But I can tell you are still very curious, so I will tell you. I was looking for My 14k White Gold Pavé Diamond Cross Necklace tonight when I found something very interesting in My Father’s private office. His computer was on and his browser was open to wordpress.com. I noticed that there was text entered into the username and password field, so I (very innocently) pressed the ‘login’ button. To My great surprise, I found a link to this blog.

After reading only four or five posts, I was left shaken and disgusted. The post about My Mother in particular deeply offended and saddened Me. The cursing! The shouting! The blind rage! On behalf of Me and My whole family, I would like to sincerely apologize.

I am now seriously concerned for My Father’s mental health. I had no idea He had so many anger issues. And it’s so strange, cause He doesn’t act like this around Heaven at all.

Anyway, to make Myself feel better, I thought I’d post something while I was here, as is My Divine Right. After all, I’m God too.

Now I couldn’t really think of something I hate, but I was able to think of something that really irritated Me while I was on Earth. Sandals!

I wore sandals My whole life, and I always found them extremely uncomfortable. We didn’t have socks back then to cushion your feet, and the quality of the sandals was much less than now. It was pretty much a piece of wood tied to some rope straps.

Maybe how I feel about sandals can best be expressed by one of My Famous parables:

No wise man wears sandals. If he does, he will lose his feet to frostbite in the winter, and not be able to walk because of blisters in the summer. And that would make him a fool.

Sorry, that was terrible. It’s been a while since I’ve made any parables, so I guess I’m pretty rusty.

Well the point is, maybe if I hadn’t been wearing such painful, feet-numbing sandals, I might’ve had a chance at running away when the Romans came to arrest Me. I mean, I was in great shape. If I’d just had a pair of Nike Air Max Assault 12 Men’s Trail Running Shoes, complete with Nike Elite Structure Cushioned Low Cut Running Socks, I could’ve run like the wind and lived to preach the gospel for like another solid 30-40 years, and who knows? Maybe settled down with Mary Magdalene and had a couple kids of My Own. Ah well, I guess it all worked out for the best anyway.

Gotta go, I think I hear My Dad. Peace be with you!

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#18 Dancing

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I want to concentrate on something I truly loathe – dancing.

I hate dancing because you stupid mortals are so proud of yourselves when you do it.

You people think you’re so cool when you’re dancing, but you and I both know you look completely foolish. You flop around to and fro without the faintest idea of what you’re doing.

You go out to nightclubs, and try to dance to the music, even though you’ve never heard (even once ) 95% of the terrible songs that are played. You confusedly bump and bop and look around to see if anyone is watching how putrid your dancing is.

Take comfort. They aren’t watching you. They are far too worried about their own dance moves to notice how bad you are. But there is one unlucky person who is watching – Me. I have to watch everything!

But the worst (the worst!) are the people who think they’re good at dancing. They go to clubs and show-off the same silly rehearsed moves they always do so they can glorify themselves in front of the rest of you people who really can’t dance.

But on top of all that, I despise dancing because it encourages atrocious TV shows and movies about it such as: Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, The Evolution of Dance, Footloose, Flashdance, Dirty Dancing, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Body Rock, Tango, Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Roll Bounce, Save the Last Dance, Shall We Dance?, Dance With Me, How She Move, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, Bring It On, Take The Lead, Feel The Noise, Stepping Out, Step Up, Step Up 2 the Streets

I tell you, it’s enough to make Me lose faith in Myself.

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#14 American Idol

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I would like to talk about the most evil, stupid show on television today – American Idol.

I hate American Idol. It’s blatantly blasphemous! For the love of Me, it’s got Idol right in the name!

Remember? Idolatry? One of the ten things I banned way back when?

You have all completely forgotten the first and second commandments:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me
2.
You shall not make for yourself an idol

Must I remind you that the point of all existence is to worship Me?! You people put TV before Me, and then dedicate all your time to making new idols. Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks – all demons sent from hell to distract you from how Awesome My Singing Voice is!

And let’s not forget the ‘judges.’ Simon Cowell is a pompous asshole who beats his wife, Paul Abdul is a pill-popping cum-guzzling gutter-slut, and Randy Jackson is a fat bastard who murdered a guy once. And Americans worship this three-headed monster three nights a week and then sleep in on Sundays.

That’s another thing I hate about American Idol – the crazy numbers it gets. It averages 30 million heathen viewers every show. That’s roughly 90 million more American souls I have to damn to hell every week!

And America used to be My Favorite Country too. They used to print on the money, “In God We Trust.” I really liked that. It was flattering.

Yup, I used to bless the U.S.A. whenever I was asked. But no more. Now I curse this land of apostasy! You have American Idol to thank for that.

For the record, I have no problem with Ryan Seacrest. He’s actually pretty cool.

Note: I also don’t like how American Idol raises money to help Africa.

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#13 Cops

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorIn this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.

Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.

Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).

See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just ‘cause I had long hair and wore sandals.

And it didn’t stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they’d be waiting to take Me in for ‘questioning.’ That means they gave Me beatings.

It didn’t seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf#$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.

Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they’re Me, just ‘cause they got a badge and a gun. But they’re not. Shit…they ain’t shit.

Pigs gotta lotta nerve.

*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn’t eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.

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Ask God: April

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”

GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.

QUESTION #2:

Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”

GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.

QUESTION #3:

Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”

GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?

QUESTION #4:

The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”

GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.

QUESTION #5:

Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”

GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.

QUESTION #6:

Molly: “God, are you white?”

GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?

QUESTION #7:

Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”

GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.

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#12 Blasphemy

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorToday I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!

Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.

I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fucking Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fuck about us!”

HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!

You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.

I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.

You make fun of Me, you die.

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#11 Being Crucified

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I genuinely hate – being crucified.

You know, if there’s one thing I don’t ever want to experience again, it’s being nailed to a cross and poked with spears. Man, that really hurt.

Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true!

See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.

So that was Me up there on the cross. I mean, I was also in Heaven watching, but whatever. I don’t want to confuse your simple human mind. However you want to look at it, getting crucified by Romans totally sucks monkey balls.

Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard you cried? Ok, now take that pain and multiply it by about a zillion. Are you beginning to understand what I went through for you people?

Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention that.

I let Myself get killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible, and all for your benefit. You ungrateful bastard!

I got killed for you and you barely even go to church anymore! And the last time you went you only put five dollars in the collection plate. You cheap schmuck!

Give Me more money or face My Wrath!

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