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Posts Tagged ‘Blasphemy’

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I give you all a great gift – a brand new and what I plan to be regular feature of My Divine Blog, “God on the Bible.” As I consider you humans to be inestimably dense, let Me explain; in this space I will discuss Bible verses I have selected.

Today’s Bible Verse:

“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16

This is without question the very best Bible verse I ever wrote. It captures everything humans need know about Me in one perfect and divine sentence. And that is this; do not fricking disrespect Me! If you do I shall either kill you or arrange to have you killed.

Moreover, I describe how I want My Flock to put sinners to death – by throwing rocks of various sizes at them until they have died a painful death. If only I had been this specific throughout the rest of My Book.

I do love a good stoning. The painting at the top of this post honors the best one I’ve ever seen – the stoning of the despicable ‘Saint Stephen.’ Ordered to be killed for his blasphemy by the noble Saint Paul, ‘Saint Stephen’ took his stoning like a little bitch. I make sure to watch the tape of this at least once a month for a good laugh.

Yet, despite My Clear instructions of what to do to those who blaspheme My Name, I see far too few stonings these days. It seems the only nations who truly honor Me anymore are all Muslim. Christians, why can’t you be more like the Muslims? Sure, there are good public stonings in South USA from time to time, but that hardly counts. I want to see passionate and publicly condoned stonings of the wicked in the streets of London, Paris, New York, and San Francisco. Wouldn’t that be grand? Until then I will have no choice but to continue to smite you all one by one.

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#12 Blasphemy

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorToday I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!

Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.

I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fucking Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fuck about us!”

HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!

You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.

I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.

You make fun of Me, you die.

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