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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Greetings humans. You know, I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately; My latest smite on China only managed to kill a measly 3 babies; sacrilegious scientists are getting ever closer to finding My Divine Particle; and one of My Angels failed to smite these two douchebags for Me. Also, I’m on bad terms with Jesus and that slut-whore Mary right now. But then just when things couldn’t get any worse, I read about this and felt completely restored:

Most Americans Believe in Guardian Angels

I love Americans! They are so good to Me. Sometimes I feel like the American people are MY guardian angels.

No matter how hard I smite them, those wonderful little sheeple just keep on believing in Me! Their faith is truly astonishing.

I can ravage their country over and over and over again with My Hurricane and Tornado Smites, destroy their tallest buildings AND their economy, and even make the entire Universe hate them…and yet they never stop loving Me.

America is indeed a great country. She is like one of those wonderful beaten wives; you can fuck her and beat her and then fuck her and beat her again, and she will just be grateful if you let her live!

The infinite faith Americans put in Me -and in My Army of Angels – makes me very happy. But in reading this article, what makes Me happier still is how they always assume My Angels are on Earth solely for their protection. What a conceited fallacy!

American Angels NEVER look like this. They are fat.

American Angels don't look like this. They are unsightly slobs.

I would put the amount of time the average Angelic foot soldier spends protecting a human to be about 5%, at best. Most of the time they are carrying out various smite missions. Perhaps the reason Americans believe in ‘guardian’ angels is because, like Americans themselves, the Angels I have covering the USA are slovenly and incompetent.

Take the case of these two dirty rock music bastards. I signed a standard form #747 Plane-Crash Smite Order for their deaths, and one of My American Angels screwed up the hit-job because he smoked a fat blunt beforehand. And yet these two rocker idiots (and their fans) will likely attribute their continued existence to the presence of a ‘guardian’ angel. HA!

Americans, you are very lovable little fools. You just keep believing in Me and My Angel Death Squadrons no matter what, ok? I like that. One of these days I will get around to tossing a few more blessings your way. I swear to Me.

God on the Internet

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello My children. On the advice of Jesus, who is rather tech savvy, I signed up for a couple of social networking sites last night. I set up a new profile at Twitter, where I plan on just posting little updates on what I’m doing, or ‘tweets’ as they are called. Sounds pretty lame to Me. But who knows, it might be fun. I need some fun.

I also set up a profile at the blasphemous website Atheist Nexus, where I plan on finding baby-eating atheists to smite. I might even try and convince a few into believing in Me. I do like a challenge.

And in the future I will likely setup profiles on both MySpace and Facebook as well. Although Jesus says only dirty minorities use MySpace anymore…so…yeah. Maybe I’ll just skip that one.

UPDATE: I’ve gotten one of those stupid facebook pages.

#46 Boner Pills

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.

I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!!

Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.

Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.

Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.

DAMN YOU VIAGRA!

Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.

Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.

Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.

Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; “Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?”

SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!

I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I’ve hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.

The Lord writes about what He wants!

In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.

#45 Impotence

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about something I hate very, very much: impotence. I am not referring to impotence as a general powerlessness that the meek and lowly have; this type of impotence pleases the LORD.

No, I am referring to when a man is unable to raise his penis up towards the Heavens. This is pathetic! Nothing shows a lack of faith like a ‘man’ who can’t get a rock-hard 2-hour erection whenever he needs to.

Now I must admit, as a means of smiting a man that I hate, there is no weapon more useful in humbling man than taking away his ability to fuck. So I do love to use My Floppy-Dick Smite from time to time. It’s highly amusing.

What I hate is, when I have not specifically decided to smite a man with floppy-dick…and yet he STILL has trouble inserting his penis into his woman. There is only one reason and one reason alone for such heresy, and that is a disturbing lack of faith in Me.

Verily, did not My son Jesus (Me) tell you all before that if you have but the faith of a grain of mustard seed, you will be able to tell a mountain to move and it will get up and move?

Then why do you hollow men not command your cocks to get up and move?! This is simple. Because you have no faith! You are blasphemers and cowards and I hate the lot of you!

Verily, those who have faith in Me, shall always get it up, and shall never come too quickly.

Because of you perfidious pansies, every day I must watch millions of My Divine Penis creations sit around neglected and unused…and all thanks to the unmanliness of their owners.

All My Penises desire, all they ever want to do, is to pound away on some pussy! And maybe pee in some snow. But no! You faithless pagan bastards can’t even let them do that! What’s wrong with you?!

Listen, it’s ok. Just relax and breathe. Just relax, and things will take care of themselves, ok human? Breathe. Breathe. I SAID BREATHE DAMN YOU!

What?! What is it? Why can’t you do it? You don’t think that I, the LORD your God, am beautiful?! I don’t make you hot and bothered with faith? Or is it that you don’t think I love you? Why don’t you have faith in Me anymore?!

ERRGH! I HATE YOU! YOU BUTT-FUCKING SODOMITES!

Oh, what’s the use in trying? You know, real men don’t have this problem. Devout men of faith, who pray to Me everyday for penis-help, never have a problem fucking anything, be it too big or too small.

Well, I suppose the good news for Me is I don’t need to waste My Time smiting these bonerless freaks. Their lack of faith is its own punishment.

Let this serve as a lesson to the rest of you: he who does not have faith in The Lord God Almighty, smites himself!

God in the News – The Iraq War

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was watching ABC last night, when I caught this interview with the future Vice-King of America:

Sarah Palin on God and the Iraq War

YOU ESKIMO-BLOWING PIG-CUNT-WHORE!

YOU LYING BLUBBER-EATING COWARD!

YOU SEAL-CLUBBING….well actually, I rather enjoy the seal-clubbing, but that’s not the point. DAMN YOU PALIN! YOU UGLY BITCH!

You told everyone the truth; that the Iraq War is all part of My Divine Plan. And then you gutlessly backpedaled, as if suggesting that I would ever be in favor of a war was something crazy. It’s not crazy! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love creating new dead soldiers!

Well, now your son will be one of them! When he deploys in several weeks, no matter how you try to protect him from harm, he will die!

SO SPEAKETH THE LORD!

#44 Microsoft

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was watching American television last night, looking for blasphemous people and things to judge and smite (as I am wont to do), when I stumbled upon one of the most evil things I have ever seen – the Microsoft commercial that shows Bill Gates buying shoes.

In the six thousand years since I created this Universe, I have seen some truly appalling things; an adorable 3-year-old boy twisted inside out after being pushed onto subway tracks by a jealous rival …the tragic detonation of nuclear weapons on only Nagasaki and Hiroshima…a Nun’s vagina.

And then there is this. I’ve seen every commercial since the inception of television, and I declare this the worst one ever made! This…commercial…is…AN ABOMINATION TO GOD!

First and foremost, it features that malevolent demon Bill Gates, who fights My Divine Will by giving billions and billions of dollars to the Me-forsaken continent of Africa. He does more than any other one person on Earth to help keep Africans alive. PISSES ME OFF!

Secondly, it stars Jerry Seinfeld, who used to be mildly amusing to Me, but who has now obviously become a servant of Satanus.

Microsoft HQ, 2 days from now.

Microsoft HQ, 2 days from now.

This commercial was in no way enlightening or entertaining. IT SICKENS ME!

The disgusting smugness, the pretentious pomposity, the limitless pride felt by the despicable people of the Microsoft Corporation…made the LORD puke his fucking guts out all over Mary’s stupid face.

STUPID…MICROSOFT…ASSHOLES! THINK…THEY’RE SO…SMART! 😡

And, as if directed by Satanus himself to enrage Me…that gay little butt-shake done by Gates at the end of the commercial…makes Me want to kill every fricking first, second and last-born child on the planet. ARRRGH!

Perhaps My Righteous Rage is compounded by all the trouble I’ve been having with My Windows OS lately, but at any rate, Microsoft will pay for this! Bill Gates will pay for this as well. They will all pay for this! THE SWIFT AND TERRIBLE VENGEANCE OF THE LORD’S MIGHTY SWORD IS UPON YOU NOW.

DIE HEATHEN SCUM!

#43 Norton AntiVirus

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was going to write about something else today, when in the process I was interrupted about seventeen times by this bothersome pest of a program called ‘Norton AntiVirus.’ Suffice to say, I, The LORD your GOD, found something I hate even more right now than kids with down syndrome.

I HATE Norton AntiVirus! It is the most maddening computer program I have ever faced. It threatens and bothers you, it interrupts and sticks its pesky little nose into everything you do on your computer. So what’s the problem you ask? Why not just smite the program? Well you impertinent little whelp, it’s not that easy.

It pains Me to admit this, but after several thousand attempts over the course of the last decade, even I, The Almighty LORD, in all My Bountiful Omniscience and Omnipotence, have been unable to uninstall Norton AntiVirus from Mine Own Holy Hard Drive…because deleting Norton is, in fact, fucking impossible.

It seems those minions of Satanus over at Microshaft fused this demon Norton into the old magic of all their Winblows software packages long ago. BASTARDS!

Norton doesn't want you to have this.

A musical porn.

Now, if you use a Macintosh computer, as Jesus does, it’s likely you may have never heard of Norton. But if you’re old school like Me and use a PC, then Norton is the bane of your existence.

For some, Norton is attempting to scare you into purchasing yet another ‘critical’ update of their ‘product’ even as you read My Divine Words right now. For others, Norton is admonishing you once again for trying to turn it off. And yet for even more others, Norton is judging you right now for trying to download music, porn, or musical porn for free.

What’s worse, this Norton character grows in power and influence everyday. I tried to locate him on Earth, but learned that this antivirus program was not named after a person at all. I can only assume Norton is some rival deity in league with Satanus to hack into My Computer and take over Heaven.

DAMN YOU NORTON! DAMN YOU!!