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Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Whores! Sluts! Jezebels! Tramps! Skanks! She-Devils! Hoes! Harlots! Self-Absorbed Buck-Toothed Money-Grubbing Cum-Dumpsters!

These are but just a few of the Divine terms I use to describe the disgusting cunts that make up the stars and fans of one of the most sinful television shows in history, Sex and the City.

Long have I watched this wicked show corrupt the minds of young women to somehow make them even more selfish, dumb and slutty than they already are. And long have I vowed to infect every one of them with the Herpes!

I tell you mortals, it’s dreadful shows like this that make being omnipresent truly unbearable. I, The Lord GOD Almighty, have had no choice but to watch every last fucking episode and repeat of Sex and the City shown on TV for the last ten fucking years. Not only that, I’ve also had to watch every stupid fucking cunt alive watch this stupid fucking show and love every stupid fucking minute of it. Just one more reason I utterly despise women.

And if that was not enough human, were you aware that they just released a movie as well? Yeah, I’ve been to every showing of it worldwide and already seen it over 25 million times. I swear, if I have to fucking watch Mr. Big stand up Carrie at her own fucking wedding one more fucking time, I might just lose My Holy Shit and have all four of those actresses simultaneously decapitated in freak accidents. Or perhaps I’ll just alter reality and make that the new ending to the movie.

Stupid women like to watch this stupid show and take notes on how to live their lives and how to dress. LAME! Just look at the clothing those repulsive, dried-out old hags are wearing in the picture at the top of this post. Just what in the hell are they wearing there?! Any honest, Me-fearing woman would be mercilessly mocked and stoned to death by her congregation if she went out in public wearing such absurd outfits.

It feels rather strange for Me to ask this question, but how could women be so stupid? How could they worship a show so completely devoted to materialism and whoring? It makes me wonder if these are the only two things the female humans care about anymore. Indeed, if the show is to be believed, there seems to be no limit to the amount of fresh clothing and fresh penis a modern horse-faced woman needs.

According to Sex and the City, all women can be put into one of four categories, as represented by the four main characters. Let’s examine these female archetypes in more detail. We have:

1. Carrie: a slut-whore-bitch obsessed with shoes and clothing.
2. Miranda: a whore-bitch-cunt obsessed with shoes and work.
3. Charlotte: a bitch-cunt-ditz obsessed with shoes and babies.
4. Samantha – a cunt-ditz-slut obsessed with shoes and penis.

Hmm…you know, now that I think about it, that’s actually pretty accurate.

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#10 Hillary Clinton

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

On this primary Tuesday, I’d like to take some time from My busy schedule of rigging the election to talk about someone I hate with a passion – Hillary Clinton.

Why do I hate her so much? I don’t know. Not really sure. Just something about her I don’t like I guess.

Maybe it’s because she’s a woman. That’s a big strike against her already because as I discussed last week, I, the Lord your God, hold an eternal grudge against women.

Or maybe it’s her wrinkly, disgusting face. Or the way her eyes bulge out of her head when she gets angry. Or her incredible fat ass.

Or it could be because she’s so fake. Or because she’s such a conniving bitch. Then again, maybe I hate her because her domestic policies are so full of flaws.

Well, whatever the reason, I hate the fat pig and she’s going right back to hell when I let her die. But not before I have some more fun with her while she’s still on Earth.

Oh, I’ve already arranged to have her remembered for all time as the most famous cheated-on wife ever. But I have even more in store for Hillary.

I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure she loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.

This outrage will drive her crazy for the rest of her life. And I’m going to let her live till the age of 103! They’ll still be making Lewinsky jokes then.

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#7 Women

Evil bitches

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about – My deep and abiding hatred for women.

Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it.

I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want. I’m sure you’re wondering about all My Conquests.

Aphrodite? Did her.

Lakshmi, the 4-armed Hindu Sex Goddess? You bet.

Marilyn Monroe? I have her tied up in My Bed right now.

Yup, I’ve basically had sex with every hot woman who ever existed. Many, many times.

But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!

And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.

I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.

But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.

SLUT!I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

They’re rife with design flaws. I mean, sure, they look fabulous and you just want to grab’em and do nasty things. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re all vile, selfish little whores that scowl at you when you hold the door open for them. And do they ever say thank you?

The answer is: rarely. I’ve watched every instance of this situation since doors were first invented. And women only say thank you 17% of the time. Mostly they just stride through like it’s every man’s job to hold doors open for strange bitches.

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I HATE WOMEN! If you’re a woman, you know this to be true. Deep down, you’ve always known.

But I digress. Getting back to that slut Eve, what do you think is the first thing that backstabbing bitch ever did?

Yup, that’s right. Stab Me in the back. She betrayed Me, the Lord God Almighty, who gave her absolutely everything, for some smooth-talking serpent. BITCH!

Also, at around the same time all this was going on I was on a lot of painkillers because I had just caught Aphrodite cheating on Me with this douche Adonis.

So anyway, I decided to punish women for all eternity. You might not be aware of this, but I made it so that they bleed once a month. For a week!

I also made several sweet alterations to the pregnancy process. See, originally, the human pregnancy cycle was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I extended that to nine long months of weight gain.

Also, babies were originally only going to be about the size of a Raisinet and would be born out of the woman’s mouth. I changed this so that the average baby weighed 7 pounds and came out headfirst through the most painful place possible (the vagina.)

Finally, I made women half as strong as men, so that a man could always just beat the crap out of a woman if she ever got too annoying.

HA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WOMAN!

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