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StuffGodHates.com

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Foolish mortals! Why do you still look for Me here in this desolate realm? Do you not realize that I now have My Own Holy and Divine Website?

Seek, and ye shall find Me at www.StuffGodHates.com.

In Me you trust,

God

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#43 Norton AntiVirus

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was going to write about something else today, when in the process I was interrupted about seventeen times by this bothersome pest of a program called ‘Norton AntiVirus.’ Suffice to say, I, The LORD your GOD, found something I hate even more right now than kids with down syndrome.

I HATE Norton AntiVirus! It is the most maddening computer program I have ever faced. It threatens and bothers you, it interrupts and sticks its pesky little nose into everything you do on your computer. So what’s the problem you ask? Why not just smite the program? Well you impertinent little whelp, it’s not that easy.

It pains Me to admit this, but after several thousand attempts over the course of the last decade, even I, The Almighty LORD, in all My Bountiful Omniscience and Omnipotence, have been unable to uninstall Norton AntiVirus from Mine Own Holy Hard Drive…because deleting Norton is, in fact, fucking impossible.

It seems those minions of Satanus over at Microshaft fused this demon Norton into the old magic of all their Winblows software packages long ago. BASTARDS!

Norton doesn't want you to have this.

A musical porn.

Now, if you use a Macintosh computer, as Jesus does, it’s likely you may have never heard of Norton. But if you’re old school like Me and use a PC, then Norton is the bane of your existence.

For some, Norton is attempting to scare you into purchasing yet another ‘critical’ update of their ‘product’ even as you read My Divine Words right now. For others, Norton is admonishing you once again for trying to turn it off. And yet for even more others, Norton is judging you right now for trying to download music, porn, or musical porn for free.

What’s worse, this Norton character grows in power and influence everyday. I tried to locate him on Earth, but learned that this antivirus program was not named after a person at all. I can only assume Norton is some rival deity in league with Satanus to hack into My Computer and take over Heaven.

DAMN YOU NORTON! DAMN YOU!!

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#9 The Pope-Mobile

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!With the Pope visiting America, today I’d like to talk about something which displeases Me greatly – the pope-mobile.

Now for the most part, I love My Popes. I enjoy talking with them via the Pope-phone and handing down important messages such as: condoms are evil, anal sex is evil, and Friday is the day to eat fish.

And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.

Which is why it’s so disappointing for Me to see him using the pope-mobile. Not only does it make him look like a total wuss, it shows a distinct lack of faith in My Divine Protection over him.

By riding behind bulletproof glass, it’s almost like he’s saying to the world, “if you try to shoot me, God will not save me! I’ll just get shot and die!”

Which is SO not true! I would totally stop those bullets in mid-air, just like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. But no. I’ll never get the chance to prove My Awesome Bullet-Stopping-Powers because of the stupid gay-ass pope-mobile.

Seriously, what could be more cowardly than hiding behind bulletproof glass? It’s embarrassing. He looks like such a pansy in that thing.

I mean, this guy is supposed to be representing ME, the Blessed Lord and Master of the Entire Universe, on Earth. He should be out running marathons and pulling boats around with his teeth. That Jack Lalanne would’ve made such a great pope.

Another ballsy guy I always wished could’ve become Pope was that stuntman Evil Knievel. Now he had some serious balls. If only he didn’t already have ‘evil’ in his name. Oh well.

So anyway, I hate the pope-mobile. And I guess I’m kind of mad at Benedict for using it and looking like such a super-lame.

Ah! But who am I kidding? I just can’t stay mad at him. He’s really helped out My Church…a lot! Seriously. Over the years he’s done whatever it took to keep those prepubescent snitches quiet.

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