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Archive for the ‘Sins’ Category

SMITING: iambetterthanyou

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

GOD IS FURIOUS!!! DON’T FUCK WITH GOD!!!

Witness the impudence of ‘iambetterthanyou’:

SMUG PRICK

Now normally, you all know Me to be a merciful and loving God. BUT CRITICIZING OF ME IS SOMETHING I WILL NOT TOLERATE!

‘Iambetterthanyou,’ AKA Drew Watley, DAMN YOU! YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!

I SMITE YOU!!! 😡

HAHAHAHA! In addition to being stomped out by one of My Mighty Mooses, you are forthwith banned from My Congregation forever!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

“A man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose penis has been cut off, must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.”

In this passage of My Good Book, which just so happens to be the best-selling and most-read book of all time, I elucidate on the necessity of excommunicating any male who has lost any part of his genitals.

The reason for this is simple. If I hate a man enough to smite him so hard that he loses either his frank or his beans, then you had better believe I hate him and do not want him for My flock. No matter the seemingly random cause of your castration, I assure you it is a sign of My Profound Hatred for thee.

So if your testicles have been trampled by a horse, or shattered from the kick of an angry woman, or in any way otherwise destroyed; take heed – for you are no longer welcome in My Temple.

You are also not welcome in the House of the LORD if you have no penis. Forsooth, whether your penis was cut off by an angry woman or by a clumsy mohel, you are also not welcome in My Temple, for yea, thou art a cockless freak that disgusteth Me.

And do not think that you can use modern science to get around your eternal banishment. So if your wife cuts off your penis while you are sleeping, and then you find it in a field and have a bunch of faggoty scientists reattach it for you – this does not count. You are still not welcome in My Temple. As far as I am concerned, you and your ghastly new Frankenpenis can just keep away from Me and My People.

And lastly, if you are one of those human males foolish enough to get a vasectomy, then you have shunned the genitals I gave you and you are also no longer welcome in My congregation.

I, The Almighty LORD, have spoken.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

6 For his first son Er, Judah got a wife whose name was Tamar.

7 Er’s conduct was evil, and it displeased the LORD, so the LORD killed him.

8 Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and sleep with your brother’s widow. Fulfill your obligation to her as her husband’s brother, so that your brother may have descendants.”

9 But Onan knew that the children would not belong to him, so when he had intercourse with his brother’s widow, he let the semen spill on the ground, so that there would be no children for his brother.

10 What he did displeased the LORD, and the LORD killed him also.*

This passage makes very clear My passionate feelings on the subject of spilling sperm. I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again; EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! If a man wastes his precious semen by spilling it just anywhere, I will certainly punish him.

Now there are varying degrees of punishment for this sin. For example, as this verse demonstrates, if you disgrace your dead brother by refusing to ejaculate inside his recently widowed wife, and you instead selfishly spill your seed on the ground, I will be very angry and smite you with a painful death.

Or let’s say you do something truly satanic and spill your seed into a disgusting, dirty public toilet, I will be furious and smite you with a slow and extremely painful death.

But the punishment is not always this severe. If, on the other hand, you just spill your seed into a bunch of wadded up tissues because you were bored, then the punishment is only a swift and mildly painful death. Like a sudden heart attack while you’re jerking it. –>

However, it is acceptable to pull out at the last second and spill your seed onto a woman, as long as you make sure to do it on her chest or face in a way that totally degrades her.

I WARN YOU MORTALS! OBEY MY SEMEN LAWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!

* Interesting followup to that story…after I killed Onan, his father Judah later accidentally slept with Er’s widow Tamar. But this was okay because he thought she was a prostitute and also came inside her.

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#39 The Olympics

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

So I laid down in My Almighty Throne Room on Friday after a long day of relaxing, and flipped on the television. And what do I find? The stupid Me-damned Olympics are back, once again! Not only that, but they’re being held in the Asian nation of China!

HOLY-FUCKING-RAFFLE-FRUMPUS@#$%^&*!!!

WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN?! Are you idiots trying to give The Almighty Lord an aneurysm?! I specifically ordered the Olympics be destroyed. I commanded My Heavenly Host to make sure those blasphemous games never ever happen again!

And what do we have instead? Not only are the Olympics back and on NBC, they’re being held in CHINA!! A nation of 1.3 billion Me-hating atheists. Ooh, fake fireworks and people walking around in circles waving stupid fans in unison. Great job China! I’m so NOT impressed.

I HATE the Olympics. I always have. It is a tradition started by the Ancient Greeks, a group of anal-loving logic-freaks. What’s worse, it is nothing more than a ‘religious festival’ in honor of that dick-face, Zeus!

Plus, it’s boring! So incredibly boring. There is no more boring and masturbatory activity that mankind engages in. The events are all painfully tedious to watch – nothing but a bunch of losers trying their best to win ‘sports’ no one cares about, like synchronized equestrian shuttlecock. You know what sport I would like to see? Midget-tossing. Or murder-ball. Or smiting. Those are sports I could see Myself enjoy watching.

I warn you humans – either get rid of these boring and contemptible Olympic games altogether, or at least change them to be a sporting festival meant to honor Me, The Almighty Lord your God. OR ELSE!

NOTE: I demand you pitiful mortals offer up your suggestions for what other new sports and games might make the Olympics more entertaining for Me.

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#33 Atheists

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

I am the Lord Almighty; I am the Light of the World and The Ultimate Goodness; more Perfect than your feeble human brain could ever conceive; I made the world and all the creatures in it; I have watched over, loved and protected you all of your life.

Yet despite all that I have done for each and every one of you, there are still some humans who have the effrontery to not even believe in Me! In the parlance of modern times, these ‘people’ are called atheists, but to me they are just demonic zombie heathen scum that are best dispatched with a shotgun round to the head.

Satanic atheist creatures of the night have no morals and cannot be trusted. They break into Christian homes at night. They perform abortions on unwilling pregnant mothers and then eat the aborted babies.

Because they do not believeth in Me or My 10 Commandments, by default, they embrace evil. These atheist cannibal monsters believe that if you can get away with it, it must be ok. They regularly burn down churches, rape the retarded, rob the elderly, murder the suicidal, torture the crippled, kidnap the poor, lie, cheat and do drugs. And when they run out of dead babies to eat, they turn on each other for sustenance.

Without My Ultimate and Perfect Moral Authority governing their minds, these former humans commit all manner of atrocity. Some of the most evil people in the history of the world were devout atheists: Adolph Hitler, Joey Stalin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Charles Darwin, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, John Lennon – need I go on? Take a good, long look at that list. Easily some of the most despicable wretches to ever walk the face of My green earth.

This barely needs pointing out, but no one who ever believethed in Me and had morals ever committed evil of any kind. Go ahead and investigate yourself. Search the internet. Ask a friend. Open up the encyclopedia if you have to. There has never once been one recorded instance in the history of humanity of a devout Christian, Jew or Muslim committing an evil deed. Not once!

Also, unlike My Followers (who are decent people who fear Me and just try to raise their families and live a good life), drug-addled atheist savages are universally arrogant pricks who force their idiotic non-beliefs down other people’s throats without provocation. Alas, if only My People were as self-righteous and condescending as atheists are, there would be no atheist serpents left.

These atheist fiends are merely servants of the dark one, Satanus*. As he instructs them to do, they commit the most evil act of all by continually pestering My Followers with logic-based questions. Why must they do this?!

Do they not see the proof of My Existence all around them? In the beautiful sky and land? In the birds that flutter in the summer air? Or in the perfect breasts of a maiden fair? As any fool knows, something cannot come from nothing. Just as a house is made by a carpenter, I made the world. To this the atheist says; “then who made you God?” To which I reply, “MY PARENTS, DINGUS!”

The atheist cretin tries to pin all the evil in the world wrought by Satanus on Me. The dark lord has mighty powers too, powers that I struggle everyday to contend with. Just recently Satanus made a plane crash into a field, killing 143 passengers and crew. I managed to save one child with only third-degree burns and a couple of lost limbs. But do I get any credit for My Heroics? No! Of course not. I just get blamed for the crash.

I tell you, those baby-raping atheist vampires direct their hatred toward Me nonstop. More than anything, this greatly saddens Me. How could you heathen scum do this to Me? I am The Almighty God and I LOVE YOU! I love and care for you so much it makes My Heart ache sometimes. I even gave up My Only Son, and let him die horribly, all to save your wicked soul from Satanus. And this is how you repay Me?! By saying I don’t even exist?! How could you be so cruel?!

Well, I just hope all you atheists out there change your mind. If you do, I can promise you an eternity spent in Heaven with Me, eating all the most delicious foods and yum-yum ice-creams you’ve ever wanted and meeting all the coolest people who ever existed, as well as anything else your little heart desires.

Because you know, even if you atheists were right, which you most certainly are not, what would you gain from not believingeth in Me? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. A lifetime spent in cynicism and a sad, devoted worship of nerds who wear lab coats for a living. Oh, and did I mention an eternity burning in the lake of fire whilst getting raped by burly demons? That’s what awaits. I assure you, every atheist bitterly regrets their mistake as soon as they die.

But anyway, all this arguing tires Me out.

I am the Lord Almighty, and I exist. That is all you need know.

*I prefer the Latin word ‘Satanus’ because it keeps anus in his name.

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#30 Fat People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, Master of All That Is and All That Ever Will Be, wish to talk about My Supreme disdain for the fat people of My world.

Foolish mortal! Do not lie to Me or to yourself. You seem to forget that I have read every thought you have ever had, including those you are having right now as you read this. Some of you are fat apologists who claim that you don’t hate fat people, and that you are not shallow, and that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And while this is true – if you are a glutton on the inside you are a fatty pig fatty on the outside – you are still blatantly breaking the 9th commandment if you deny your disgust for fat people. Everyone hates the fat.

I hate them. You hate them. They hate themselves.

And well we should! I assure you mortal; you need not be ashamed of your loathing for the chunky manatees you see all around you. The overweight deserve every last ounce of contempt and ridicule you can muster.

Much like you, I hate fat people because they are fat. If they were thin, or average, or even only just a little chubby, I probably wouldn’t hate them. Well, not as much anyway.

I have to listen to those gluttons cry and whine and wail while they stuff their fat faces with cupcakes and other assorted pastries. And then they have the audacity to pray to Me to help them lose weight~! You can’t pray it off chubbasaurus. You have to work hard if you want to lose weight and earn My Divine Respect.

Very few fat people ever become real people because fat people are inherently lazy. Weak, jealous, mean and envious to the core; acting jolly is just their way of getting you to drop your guard so they can take your food. Humorous distraction is an oft used method the fat use to steal your French fries.

Fat people steal food, but they kill people too. First and foremost, they hog the food that could be going to feed all the starving people of the world not living in Africa. They also murder good-looking thinners in countless other ways. I see it every day. For example, I have lost many a faithful servant in elevator-crashes caused by the elephant-people.

But far worse than the theft and the murder, is when fat people are also somehow extremely vain. This is especially common amongst fat females. And the only thing worse than a woman, is a fat woman who thinks she’s sexy. Quite frankly, it infuriates and confuses Me. It boggles My Eternal Mind to contemplate how these hideous land-masses could possibly consider themselves fattractive. They are not, of course; they are merely fat-pigs living in fat-pig denial.

By their greed and their laziness, fat people have earned their derision and banishment from society and from Heaven. Just as a rich man will find it easier to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven, a fat man will find it easier to fit into an airplane seat than get into Heaven.

If you are reading this and you are a great big fat-ass and are worried about your looming future in hell, all I can tell you is: try putting down the fork for once and give jogging a try. FACE!

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#25 Too Many Questions

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorIn this, the 25th entry of My Hatred Therapy, I, The Almighty Lord your God, feel that I have finally made a breakthrough. I think I’ve discovered one of the biggest inciting, underlying core issues at the very root of My Eternal Unhappiness…too many questions!

Here’s the thing, I really hate it when people ask too many questions, ok? How dare you people ask so many questions? Could you please stop?! Please, it’s enough already.

Don’t get Me wrong, I don’t hate all questions, per se. There are good questions and bad questions. Good questions are ones like: “What have I done for God lately?” or “How can I be a better slave for God?”

Bad questions are pretty much everything else.

You know, I try to be nice. I go out of My way to be the same old loving God you’ve always known. And what do I get in return? Nothing but insulting, insane, idiotic, catch-22 style questions pelted at Me left and right!

People ask Me infuriating questions like: “Hey God, how can free will be real if you’re all-knowing?” BECAUSE! Just because, ok?! They both exist at the same time. Just accept it and have some faith you charlatan!

Another question I hate: “Um God, could you make a rock so big you couldn’t lift it? And if not, why not?” Argggh! YES, I COULD! And no I couldn’t. Obviously, both are true at the same time because I’m all-powerful you idiot!

And even though I’m omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, and far too merciful, you foolish mortals have the nerve to question whether or not I even exist! Without a doubt, this is the question I hate the most. When people question My existence, it takes Me beyond my normal baseline level of fury to a new kind of surreal, bewildered and detached super-rage.

Ask yourself, how would you feel if everyone you knew was constantly debating whether or not YOU exist? Wouldn’t that drive you crazy? Wouldn’t it make you more than a little out-of-your-mind furious? Of course it would. Well…that’s what it does to Me anyway.

I remember one time recently, after a particularly bad quarter in which I lost over half a million people to atheism, I got so angry I blacked out for 5 days. I don’t remember much about what I did, but when I came to, Gabriel told Me I had completely destroyed both the Qzyzxnor AND Hyper-Globulus homeworlds. I was like, holy crap! Good thing nobody cares about them!

I will say, however, there is one question I genuinely love being asked. In fact, it makes Me so happy I get a Divine Boner every time I hear it; and that is: “Why God? Why?”

HAHAHA! BECAUSE MORTAL! I HATE YOU!

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