Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

#37 NASA

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

This week marks the 50th anniversary of NASA, and so I, THE LORD, have decided to talk about My 50-years-old grudge against NASA, or as I like to call it, The National Atheism and Science Administration.

I hate NASA! It is a snakepit of incestuous heathens who wouldn’t know Me if I crawled down their throats and burst out their bellies in a flash of blood and guts.

As I have discussed before, I have a deep and abiding hate for science, and NASA is nothing but a group of science twitpigs who take pride only in knowing and making more damned science.

What are they trying to prove? Why do humans need to explore outer space? Have I not provided you with all that you need and more on planet Earth?!

The only reasons I can surmise is that you villainous worms are either trying to find My Heavenly Lair (which you will never find in outer space), or you are trying to find all the other intelligent life I have created.

I cannot and I will not allow this to happen. If My human followers were to suddenly find out that I’ve created thousands of other worlds and been cheating on them with several different and very attractive alien species, the consequences to My Image would be catastrophic. Humans would never trust Me again.

And so I have thwarted NASA’s efforts and smote them repeatedly over the last 50 years. Every mechanical failure and difficulty NASA has had was due to My Divine Sabotage. In fact, in 50 years they never had one spaceship launch that wasn’t delayed at least 10 times thanks to Me. Unfortunately, most of the time they would find and fix everything I did and their stupid space flight would go fine.

Of course, this just made Me want to blow up those shuttles even more. And I’m proud to report…I did! You may not have heard about it, as it was boring NASA news, but on two occasions I completely obliterated NASA space shuttles out of the sky. It’s true!

My proudest smiting was that one shuttle I blew up in the 80’s…what was it called again? You know, the one with that dumb woman teacher they blamed the crash on. CHALLENGER! That’s it. I remember now, because it was like they were taunting Me, just challenging Me to destroy it. Man that was sweet.

Naturally, these smitings had the exact effect I had planned. Humans continued to lose their faith in those cross-dressing science-loving drunkards until they grounded the shuttle program forever. And so, after a mere 50 years of battle, today I declare Myself the Victor. Suck it NASA!

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#15 Science

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.

But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!

I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye – they’re all going to hell when they die.

Facts, evidence, hypotheses – BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.

I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.

Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.

It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.

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