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Ask God: September

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

David: Dear God, do you hate the Mormons? Is that why you had that mob kill Joseph Smith in 1844?

GOD: First, as to your latter question, I had to smite Joseph Smith because he had gone mad with power, and absolutely fucking hate it when pitiful humans do that. Smith is still getting his ass torn apart by fiery demon cock. As to your former query, I do not hate the entire Mormon religion – just the effeminate-politically correct-single-wife-having Mormons that reside in Salt Lake City, Utah. None of them have any balls.

QUESTION #2:

Master Shake: What is Your opinion on telemarketers?

GOD: I hate them as much as you do. Unless they are working the phones on My Behalf. Then I love them.

QUESTION #3:

Christian The Jew: God, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are they really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?

GOD: No, they are not attention whores. Far from it. These are just people who are so incredibly special that I have chosen to speak to them personally. It just so happens I only speak to them when they are in church and surrounded by everyone they know.

QUESTION #4:

Anne Johnson: God, can we talk?

GOD: No. I don’t negotiate with pagan wenches. I SMITE THEM!

Bono prepares to chow down on yet another African baby.

QUESTION #5:

Sue Doenimm: If you hate Africa, You must not like Bono much, then?

GOD: Of course not. What a dumb question. The answer is so obvious!

QUESTION #6:

Evangelist Curtis: God, why do You allow things to be so fucked up?

GOD: Because it amuses Me! Your delicious sorrow and sweet tears bring Me endless entertainment and joy.

QUESTION #7:

Aesculopius: Good God, God, why are You so duplicitous?

GOD: I’m not. I never lie. I always tell the truth. What reason have I to lie? Lest you forget, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

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Ask God: August

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Nun: A question for you, God… do you ever worry that some Jesus-freak is going to come after you for the blog?

Will never find Me.

Will never find Me.

GOD: No. I don’t worry about that. Unlike you human cowards, I have no fear of death. Besides, even if I was a mortal, wordpress.com offers total anonymity. I am switching to Mine Own Heavenly Server soon anyway, and the website StuffGodHates.com is registered by proxy, just to make sure none of you fanatics ever discover My Earthly mailing address. And even if one of you freaks did ever manage to ‘find’ Me I would utterly destroy you.

Nun – you are paranoid. I blame the massive amounts of My Green Leaf you smoke. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your stash till you get your head clear.

QUESTION #2:

Christian: God, why does Satan get most of the cool people?

GOD: He doesn’t, you asshole. You have absolutely no idea who I send to hell and who I let adore Me for all eternity. Only the coolest people get into Heaven.

QUESTION #3:

IAmBetterThanYou: Dear Your Holy God: What are Your thoughts on that fraud preacher who faked having cancer just to hide his porn addiction and made a killing in the Christian Music industry, and how are You going to smite this bastard?

GOD: I’m going to give him cancer of the penis.

QUESTION #4:

Uppity Cracka: It’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. Why does this happen God? Why?

GOD: Ah yes. You are referring to My Gigantisize Smite, one of My favorite vanity-crushing smites. This is when I expand the size of a human’s body part to grotesquely large proportions. I also do the opposite, but either way this type of smite yields extremely amusing results.

Specifically in this case you are talking about what I did to Alfonso Robiero, AKA Carlton. I hate that smug prick. I’m glad to see his smite is coming along nicely. Wait another 5 years. His head will be twice as large by then.

QUESTION #5: (In reference to Deuteronomy 23:1)

Josh: What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them? And please can I be your favorite again?

GOD: Eunuchs are the biggest chumps in the history of man. And in the history of penis, for that matter. They do not honor Me. Nowhere in My Book do I authorize what they do, in fact quite the opposite!

As to the last part of your question: No. You will never be anyone’s favorite again.

QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10)

McSchmahl: Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?

GOD: Excellent question; you are asking about one of the many specific sexual situations I neglected to cover in My Book. The answer is yes, it makes Me very glad to see sperm saved in sterile jars, so long as you correctly sign and date them, and only if you insert said sperm in your dead brother’s wife.

QUESTION #7:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: God; I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet. My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else? And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?

GOD: Yo Yo, I realize you asked this question 15 days ago, and that is why I am so pleased you have not flushed, nor let anyone else flush, the 4th office men’s bathroom stall. I especially appreciate you camping there with your laptop, faithfully awaiting My reply. I shall award you with any one of the hot girls in your office you want to have sex with, and make sure your wife never finds out or that you ever feel any guilt. The sex will be wonderful, you will have enough to get your fill, and then the girl will move three thousand miles away – never to be heard from again.

As to your question, by all means, do not flush it. Take pictures and call every news outlet in existence until they show up to cover this. I will bless your endeavor and bring people to this Holy Shite. You can expect no miracles from the toilet water, I just want humans to see the Slut Mary for the colossal piece of shit she is.

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Ask God: July

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

STUPID QUESTIONS

QUESTION #1:

Susan Lange: “I would like to greet you but I am not getting words to greet you. It is a great gift for the people. Reading this bible inspires me, thought I have read many versions of bibles but did not get the answers of the questions which arise in my mind. God is an incredible word which is not having its exact meaning. I made the bible search , but did not get the exact meaning of God. You are the person who gives the answer to the question that what is God?”

GOD: Yes Susan. I am The Lord God Almighty. Did you even read The Bible? I’m on every page. If you did and you don’t know who I am by now, then you will never know. Also, learn to speak English and not be dumb anymore.

QUESTION #2:

Dean: “Lord, what time zone are you on? XO, Dean.”

GOD: Dean , I loathe you, you retarded fuckstick. You have never once asked anything that even approaches a halfway intelligent question.

I am THE LORD ALMIGHTY you dipshit. Clearly I transcend time and space.

QUESTION #3:

Lucifer: “God, can I get back into Heaven now?”

GOD: No. Don’t be stupid.

VALID QUESTIONS

QUESTION #4:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: “I see that thirteen people were injured in the running of the bulls in Spain. What are Your thoughts on this?”

GOD: Some time ago, I became bored and so decided to created humans who exist to entertain Me with hilarious deaths. These death-jesters of Mine are the people you see bungee-jumping, running from bulls and riding bicycles. Thanks for your question. I hope you gain as much enjoyment from watching them suffer as I do.

QUESTION #5:

Ranting Student: “God, you rule the internet. Those greeks were boy lovers…what are your thoughts on the Romans though?”

GOD: They were alright I guess.

QUESTION #6:

Pádraig: “LORD, I saw this biblical passage: ‘Better to sit on a corner of a roof, Than with a woman of contentions, and a house of company.’ -Proverbs 25:24. Could you please explain what this means?”

GOD: It is better to sit on the roof than be around your raging bitch of a wife when you have a party at your house.

KILLING/LOVE

QUESTION #7:

MSchmahl: “I am a bit confused about how the not-killing thing works together with the not-suffering-a-witch-to-live thing, and stoning-anyone-who-works-on-Sunday thing, and the stoning-a-disobedient-child-before-the-whole-village thing. Did you mean “thou shalt not kill unless I say so?”

GOD: Yes mcshamahlshabab, you interpreted My Commandment correctly. Thou shalt not kill your fellow man without My Blessing.

QUESTION #8:

Pemma: “Hey God. You claim to love us all so much. Where is evidence for that?”

GOD: First of all, I do not need to provide evidence or explain Myself! Secondly, I never claimed to love everyone so much. That is false. I do indeed love everyone, but to many varying degrees. I love only a lucky few so much. I keep them close to Me, and shower them with blessings as you do your close family. However, with most of the humans on Earth, I love them, but you know, only as much as you love your extended family, which is of course more of a polite, pretend kind of love.

Then there is everybody else, who I love very, very little. At some point you would call it hate, but what you fail to understand is that when I kill a sinner and damn them to hell, it is still Love – My Most Pure and Perfect Love in action. For example, just last week I finally had fat old atheist Agnes Cartwright, (age 79, of Freemont, MI) raped and buried alive in her vegetable garden. How is this love? While I punished her, I also spared her of another 10 years of elderly pain and misery. So you see that The Lord God gives mercy and love even to His enemies.

And if that doesn’t convince you, just look at that drawing of Me hugging that child. What more proof do you need?!

QUESTION #9:

Ryan: “God, isn’t Christianity about forgiving?”

GOD: No. Who told you that?!

QUESTION #10:

Judas Iscariot: “God-But you love us…..right?”

GOD: OF COURSE! Of course I love you! I love you all! You have no idea how much I love you!

MONEY

QUESTION #11:

Kraig: “God, I had a talk with my Uncle Rocco and Luka and they wanted to know if it was ok for you to accept 10% of the family run business in exchange for considerations on your part?”

GOD: Dear Kraig, please tell your Uncle Rocco and Luka that I will kindly accept their 10%, and in return I will consider not having them killed.

QUESTION #12:

Josh: “God, how do You feel about people giving You lots of money then the pastors at these mega churches use it to buy bentley’s and private jets? I mean those televangelists are living off Your coin!”

GOD: Those pastors deserve the fruits of their hard work. They push, prod and guilt-trip people into honoring Me with their checkbooks. Anyway, I don’t care about money. I don’t need it! I just get a rush out of the respect and power involved in having people give you their money purely out of fear and love.

DRUGS

QUESTION #13:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, have You thought about another drug-fueled, blackout-inducing binge? I know You’re old hat at such things and You’ve ‘been there, done that’ but maybe it will help release some of this boredom You’ve built up.”

GOD: Believe Me, I think about it all the time. But I’m 10 days sober now and going strong. I have no desire to go back to the mistakes of My Past. No desire…whatsoever. No matter how super awesome it makes Me feel.

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Ask God: June

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Reg: “Dear God, I’m afflicted by an unsightly and growing bald patch and I have bad acne. Can you help?”

GOD: No. If you are bald or unsightly it is purely because your constant embarrassment amuses Me.

QUESTION #2:

Project Openletter: “God, how do you feel about Bob Dylan?”

GOD: He’s been dead for 35 years – I smote him with a drug overdose long ago. That prick Satanus has been propping his hippie husk up for use in his nefarious schemes ever since.

QUESTION #3:

Tom: “God, are you ticklish?”

GOD: Wow Tom. What an idiotically insolent question. You will regret this!

QUESTION #4:

Cooper: “God, is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?”

GOD: Shut up, Cooper.

QUESTION #5:

Alex P. Keaton: “God, is it okay to beat the wife?”

GOD: It’s not only ok, I highly encourage it! It’s a great way to relieve stress, plus you get a really great workout.

QUESTION #6:

JimmyNoEmail: “God, how do you decipher mumbled/jibberish prayers?”

GOD: I read minds dipshit. Geez, why can’t you stupid mortals think for even a couple of seconds before wasting My Precious time with your stupid questions?

QUESTION #7:

André: “God, since You are omniscient, I’ll make my question in portuguese, because I’m brazilian and that’s my natural language – probably this is not problem to You: Por que você criou as coisas que odeia?”

GOD: Hoho, no is not problem to Me. You asked: “Why did you make the things you hate?” Because I didn’t know I was going to hate them so much later when I first made them. It’s easy to love a new baby I create – until that baby grows up to be a douchey atheist bloodsucker like you.

QUESTION #8:

D Hue: “God, how do feel about Santa Clause? Isn’t he kinda stealing your thunder?”

GOD: I hate him! He is a fat demonic piece of shit who ruins My Son’s birthday every year with his disgusting materialism. Also, kids first learn disillusionment when they learn that he is not real. Oftentimes this distrust fosters atheism in their later years.

QUESTION #9:

Josh: “God, what’s Your view on the priest who molest children?”

GOD: They are My Faithful servants and they deserve a little fun in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, they can fellate as many choirboys as they like.

QUESTION #10:

Uppity Cracka: “God, are Christians allowed to stone people to death on the sabbath?”

GOD: Yes, of course! While any day is a great day for a stoning, I truly love a good Sabbath Stoning. Nothing makes Me Happier on My Day off than to see a blasphemer’s bloodied and broken body lying in the town square.

QUESTION #11:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: “Hey God; I spent Sunday morning outside a local church, waving at drivers, trying to get them to come to church. If they drove past, I pelted them with rocks and garbage. Does this me earn any points on my Get Out Of Hell card?”

GOD: I’m not sure what you are referring to with your ‘get out of hell’ card, as there is no such device. But yes, this does please Me some. However, in your case you are going to have to do a lot more than that to win Me back. Next time put an orange cone in the road and stand behind it with a rocket launcher and a sign telling them to “Go to church!” with an arrow pointed to the parking lot. That ought to get the message across.

QUESTION #12:

Weirdo Chris: “What can I do to be a better slave for you? Any tips?”

GOD: Worship Me more often. Any free time you have when you are not working or sleeping, you should have your head bowed in prayer and you should be whipping yourself for being a bad person. This pleases Me. Also, you need to give Me more money.

QUESTION #13:

Jared: “God, how come you favor the Jews over everyone else? Doesn’t that make you a racist?”

GOD: No, that just makes Me pro-Semite. Besides, I favor them because they are so funny and they have awesome hair and their basketball H-O-R-S-E skills are beyond reproach. Also, I promised My old friend Abraham to look after them and keep them safe forever. How would it look if I broke My Promises? I would look like a real jerk, that’s what.

QUESTION #14:

Bloodvork: “God, what happened to the Jews in Egypt who didn’t get the memo that they had to put lamb’s blood on their door to save their children from The Holy Spirit? Wark.”

GOD: The Holy Spirit killed them along with the rest of the dirty Egyptian scum. It’s not My fault they didn’t get the memo. Maybe they should have been a little more involved in the Jewish community, hmm??

QUESTION #15:

Richard Dawkins: “Does God worship anyone greater than himself? How can he not be an atheist?”

GOD: No, what a ridiculous notion. There is none greater than Me. I have no need to worship anyone, including Myself. How can I not believe in My own existence? You are trying to sound clever but instead you sound retarded.

QUESTION #16:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Are You sure You exist?”

GOD: OF COURSE! Are you sure you exist?!

QUESTION #17:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, about Carlos Mencia … whose diseased cock did he suck to get the gig he’s got?”

GOD: President of MTV Networks Doug Herzog.

QUESTION #18:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Thinking of the loss of George Carlin brings only one thought to mind….WHY, GOD? WHY???”

GOD: What do you want from Me? He was old and had heart problems, ok? He also snorted a lot of cocaine in his day. It’s a miracle I could keep him alive and entertaining you for this long. But don’t worry, he’s not in hell as Satanus would have you believe. He’s up here with Me in Heaven. He looks really surprised. I know he was a staunch atheist his whole life, but he really makes Me laugh. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about being here at first (as everyone he was ever friends with is in hell and he’s surrounded by Bible-thumping Christians), but I brought up some of his pals from hell on his behalf and gave them a mountain of blow to do and everything else they could ever want. I also reunited Georgie with his first wife and his beloved dog Tippy. He’s adjusting well and has already started work on a new book of his observations and musings on Heaven.

QUESTION #19:

Bonogamy: “Dear God, who the hell do you think you are?”

GOD: I am the Almighty Lord your God! I can say and do whatever I like so you can just suck a rotten egg and shut your mouth you weak heathen dope! I respect your balls in asking such a question, but nevertheless your insolence will not go unpunished. I can assure you of that.

QUESTION #20:

Rev. BigDumbChimp: “God, why are you always so grumpy? Do you need a hug?”

GOD: No! Of course not. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody! You people make Me so angry with your stupid questions and your stupid prayers and your stupid everything. Try as I might, I honestly just don’t give a shit any more. About any of you. Prepare yourselves – the end is near!

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Ask God: May

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jenner: “Does God hate? If I’m not mistaken, God loves all and hates none.”

GOD: You fool. You are, in fact, sadly mistaken. I hate a great many things – especially people like you. People who try to imagine who and what I am, or rather – who you wish I was – and then spread that idea around as if it was the truth. You blasphemous bastards will all burn in the fiery pits of hell!

QUESTION #2:

Chocoholic: “Do you hate only 911 conspiracy theorists or any conspiracy theorist?”

GOD: I hate all conspiracy theorists. I hate people who question things in general – that leads to all sorts of problems for Me.

QUESTION #3:

Bonzo: “Hi, God. When someone says “God damn it!” without citing a specific object of damnation, do You just randomly choose something or someone to damn, or do You try to ascertain the damnable Thing?”

GOD: Great question. When this happens, I first ascertain what needs to be damned and damn it to hell. Then I always damn the person who shouted out the blasphemous request – how dare they try and order Me around?! After that, I usually damn something or someone else nearby just for good measure. I just love damning things to hell – it makes Me feel so Validated and Magnificent.

QUESTION #4:

On: “Dear GOD, when will Armageddon come? I am so bored.”

GOD: Ok, first of all, On is not a name, it’s a preposition, so I will just refer to you as Nimrod Dipshit Bumblefuck III. As to your question, believe Me Nimrod, I am also extremely bored and can’t wait for the Armageddon either. But never fear – the end is near! I promise you, The Rapture is coming soon…so very soon. Specifically, April 3rd, 2023. I can’t wait – it’s gonna be so much fun!

QUESTION #5:

Darkrich: “Do you know where I can get some killer kush weed God dude?”

GOD: Hmm, it’s pretty dry in your town right now. But here’s what you can do – call up your friend Wiggy. Or better yet, just go over to his house. He’s holding out on you.

QUESTION #6:

Dionysus: “Say God, You don’t fuck, do You?”

GOD: OF COURSE I DO! How dare you even suggest that I, The Almighty Lord, am some kind of asexual celibate freakazoid? The vicious rumors people spread about Me on Earth really make Me furious! Anyway, I used to do all kinds of women, but I mostly do Playboy bunnies these days.

QUESTION #7:

faithful servant: “God, I ask you everyday for ’strength and wisdom”, yet I’m weak as hell, and dumb as rock. Why don’t you like me?”

GOD: Because you are an annoying sycophant, and have always been that way. I remember in Heaven, before I sent you down into the world, even then you were sucking up and bugging Me for strength and wisdom. So I made you stupid and weak! HA! That’s what you get loser!

QUESTION #8:

Mike M: “What are some of Your hobbies?”

GOD: As I’ve stated before, I truly enjoy watching and participating in sporting events, deciding who will win and such. Other than that, I also enjoy playing with My model trains. I would also list smiting here as My main interest (and passion), but I view that as more My Purpose than My Hobby.

QUESTION #9:

Mondo: “God, since you don’t exist, how do explain your sense of humor and why, if you do exist, did you make people so fucking stupid?”

GOD: Wow, what an idiot you are Mongo. First of all, I didn’t make people stupid – they did! Second, your question is a perfect illustration of that stupidity. How can you possibly doubt My existence when you are addressing Me and asking Me a question? Are you insane?

QUESTION #10:

Cooper: “I heard that on the 8th day god created evolution. It that true?”

GOD: No that is not true! There is no such thing as the e-word! DO NOT EVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN OR RISK A HEFTY SMITING!!!

QUESTION #11:

Judas Iscariot:: “Why do you post on sundays, but not fridays?”

GOD: I post whenever I get a spare moment to sit down, collect My Thoughts and just focus on My Hatred Therapy. Usually this is a Sunday, as this is My only fricking day off. I’ve been really busy lately – I always feel like I have to be everywhere at once you know?

QUESTION #12:

Do Nut Fart: “God is it true that Kula Shaker and the Mahavishnu Orchestra were recently invited to Heaven to perfom for you?”

GOD: No. I have absolutely no idea who the fuck that is. Stupid question!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

QUESTION #13:

Raymond Tseng: “God, it has been said by many people that you (Jesus) was a black man or that you are actually a woman? Can you end this discussion once and for all?”

GOD: I answered this question last month, where I thought I HAD ended this discussion! For the last time, I’m a white man, with a long flowing beard and huge rippling muscles. Just look at My Picture! Do I look like a black man or a woman to you?

QUESTION #14:

Will: “How does God feel about Jews? I was shocked to see that they weren’t on your list.”

GOD: As i have said before, I love the Jews! Sure, they’ve let Me down many, many times and I’ve had to punish them. But they’re My chosen people and they always will be! It’s not like I can un-choose them and choose another people. That would be so lame – like abandoning the sports team you’ve been a fan of all your life just because they’re terrible.

QUESTION #15:

Margaret:: “Hello? Hello, God? Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

GOD: No, I am not here you dumb bitch. Margaret, you will soon get breast cancer and lose both breasts but survive. After that you will get vagina cancer and die. Then you will descend into hell where you will get to be with your stupid hero Judy Blume. WARNING: The next woman dumb enough to utter this idiotic “joke” to Me will suffer a similar fate or worse.

QUESTION #16:

Charlie: “God, what’s up with this “global warming” thing? Should I be doing something or can I keep on dumping oil into that hippy’s garden down the street?”

GOD: Eh. Do what you want. It makes no difference. You pathetic, vain mortals cannot destroy the planet nor save it. ONLY I CAN!

QUESTION #17:

Alex: “Must be nice being almighty and stuff, isn’t it?”

GOD: It’s not as nice as you might think. Sure, it has its perks. But knowing everything makes you depressed, and having to be everywhere at once and watch everything totally sucks ass. I do, however, enjoy being all-powerful and love smiting sinners.

QUESTION #18:

Luke G.: “God, is there anything we can do to cheer you up so we all don’t have to suffer the eternal constant demon rapings and stuff?”

GOD: Hmm….probably not. Well, you could at least try not to be such lame, annoying, unfunny, stupid, greedy, insufferable pricks all the time. That would be a start.

QUESTION #19:

a prophet: “why do you do this? this is the stupidest blog i’ve ever read.”

GOD: This person is now dead.

QUESTION #20:

Dave: “God, we will be judged harshly after death?”

GOD: Yes. Yes you will.

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Ask God: April

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”

GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.

QUESTION #2:

Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”

GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.

QUESTION #3:

Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”

GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?

QUESTION #4:

The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”

GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.

QUESTION #5:

Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”

GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.

QUESTION #6:

Molly: “God, are you white?”

GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?

QUESTION #7:

Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”

GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.

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