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#47 Rich People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I am the Lord your God. If you be a rich man or woman, I hate your stupid guts and I will punish you for the wealth I have given you. I am the Lord your God.

In My first book I made it quite clear that I hate rich people and all that they represent. Their hearts are greedy – their minds are arrogant – their souls are dumb. Two thousand years ago I said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me. And nowadays I tell you it is even more impossible for a rich man to get into Heaven. Adjusted for inflation, now it is easier for a fat lesbian camel high on meth to make it through a complicated Japanese obstacle course than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.

I am the Lord your God. I hate rich people no matter what. No matter how they have earned their wealth – I hate them! I don’t care if they made their money as a professional hitman for Pat Robertson himself – I hate them! They have forgotten Me; they give all the glory of their success to their stupid human brains – I hate them! I am the Lord your God.

But I hear you think; what about all the great leaders from the Bible I blessed with wealth? Is there not a single rich person I love? NO!

King David? Abraham? Job? I used each one of those rich bastards to My advantage; nothing more, nothing less. I punished each one of those chumps with My vicious genital warts smite! Go ahead, look it up.

The rich covet gold above all else, but they will get what they deserve. Be it a sudden gang raping by a roving pack of homeless homosexuals, or just simple bankruptcy and public humiliation; fear not, for I promise you they shall get what they deserve.

Bunch of rich, pompous assholes…think they’re so smart! I tell you it brings Me such sublime joy to crush a rich person down into nothingness. And the vast hordes of banker-bastards and wall street schmucks I have smoten in the last several weeks has brought Me an intense happiness and fulfillment I have not felt since the flood. Why, just today I finished My smite on this one smug super-douchey investment banker I hate. Tonight he became so distraught at losing his job and having his Mercedes repossessed that he shot himself, his wife and his three kids. It was a beautiful thing to see.

If you are reading this and you are a rich person, I warn you: if you wish to avoid eternal damnation and smitation you must give away your ridiculous trinkets and give all your money to Me and cast yourself down into the dregs of the middle class.

I repeat: I command all you rich assholes out there to give Me all your wealth and worldly possessions or else I shall be forced to reach down into your stomach and rip out your intestines through your throat. Well, perhaps not literally – perhaps I will just have you lose your cushy Wall Street job and transform you into some lame Honda salesman in Hackensack, NJ – but at any rate this is what your punishment will feel like to you when it comes.

I am the Lord your God. I tell you there is not a single rich human* on the planet that I do not detest. They are all total a-holes. I am the Lord your God.

* I hate rich humans, but have no problem with rich animals (such as ducks). However, cats filthy rich from crazy-cat-lady inheritance money must be shot on sight. I am the Lord your God.

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God on the Internet

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello My children. On the advice of Jesus, who is rather tech savvy, I signed up for a couple of social networking sites last night. I set up a new profile at Twitter, where I plan on just posting little updates on what I’m doing, or ‘tweets’ as they are called. Sounds pretty lame to Me. But who knows, it might be fun. I need some fun.

I also set up a profile at the blasphemous website Atheist Nexus, where I plan on finding baby-eating atheists to smite. I might even try and convince a few into believing in Me. I do like a challenge.

And in the future I will likely setup profiles on both MySpace and Facebook as well. Although Jesus says only dirty minorities use MySpace anymore…so…yeah. Maybe I’ll just skip that one.

UPDATE: I’ve gotten one of those stupid facebook pages.

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#44 Microsoft

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was watching American television last night, looking for blasphemous people and things to judge and smite (as I am wont to do), when I stumbled upon one of the most evil things I have ever seen – the Microsoft commercial that shows Bill Gates buying shoes.

In the six thousand years since I created this Universe, I have seen some truly appalling things; an adorable 3-year-old boy twisted inside out after being pushed onto subway tracks by a jealous rival …the tragic detonation of nuclear weapons on only Nagasaki and Hiroshima…a Nun’s vagina.

And then there is this. I’ve seen every commercial since the inception of television, and I declare this the worst one ever made! This…commercial…is…AN ABOMINATION TO GOD!

First and foremost, it features that malevolent demon Bill Gates, who fights My Divine Will by giving billions and billions of dollars to the Me-forsaken continent of Africa. He does more than any other one person on Earth to help keep Africans alive. PISSES ME OFF!

Secondly, it stars Jerry Seinfeld, who used to be mildly amusing to Me, but who has now obviously become a servant of Satanus.

Microsoft HQ, 2 days from now.

Microsoft HQ, 2 days from now.

This commercial was in no way enlightening or entertaining. IT SICKENS ME!

The disgusting smugness, the pretentious pomposity, the limitless pride felt by the despicable people of the Microsoft Corporation…made the LORD puke his fucking guts out all over Mary’s stupid face.

STUPID…MICROSOFT…ASSHOLES! THINK…THEY’RE SO…SMART! 😡

And, as if directed by Satanus himself to enrage Me…that gay little butt-shake done by Gates at the end of the commercial…makes Me want to kill every fricking first, second and last-born child on the planet. ARRRGH!

Perhaps My Righteous Rage is compounded by all the trouble I’ve been having with My Windows OS lately, but at any rate, Microsoft will pay for this! Bill Gates will pay for this as well. They will all pay for this! THE SWIFT AND TERRIBLE VENGEANCE OF THE LORD’S MIGHTY SWORD IS UPON YOU NOW.

DIE HEATHEN SCUM!

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SMITING: iambetterthanyou

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

GOD IS FURIOUS!!! DON’T FUCK WITH GOD!!!

Witness the impudence of ‘iambetterthanyou’:

SMUG PRICK

Now normally, you all know Me to be a merciful and loving God. BUT CRITICIZING OF ME IS SOMETHING I WILL NOT TOLERATE!

‘Iambetterthanyou,’ AKA Drew Watley, DAMN YOU! YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!

I SMITE YOU!!! 😡

HAHAHAHA! In addition to being stomped out by one of My Mighty Mooses, you are forthwith banned from My Congregation forever!

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#40 Cancer Patients

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

So I was relaxing in the Heavenly Hot Tub with a gaggle of hot naked angel chicks this weekend – having a glorious time I must say – when who should burst through the door and disturb the festivities but that sanctimonious prick Gabriel. He starts running his mouth about how I should heal some cancer patients for once and blah blah blah. Well, I told him what I always tell him – shove it up your ass, Gay-briel!

Gabriel used to be so hardcore.

And Gabriel used to be such a hardcore badass.

Gabriel – what the hell is his problem anyway? Ya know, for My Angel of Death, that guy has gone way too soft. If he keeps this shit up I’m totally busting his ass down to guardian angel duty.

So anyway, the point of this story is, I hate cancer patients, ok? That’s why they have cancer. They were people I just didn’t like for one reason or another, but usually it’s because they have a lame personality.

And I hate them even more once they realize they have cancer. Before that, I enjoy it a great deal as I watch them fight with their spouses, complain about having to get up in the morning, and generally squander their precious last few months of life on frivolities.

But once they get cancer, they just can’t die quick enough for Me, because they get SO annoying. Right on cue, people who’d spurned Me their whole lives start hounding Me with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. Sorry!

When I give somebody cancer, I don’t go back on it, ok? Call Me a prick, call Me what you heathens will, but I am the LORD, and I have principles.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

Of course, those clueless doctor twits always attempt to thwart My Divine Will by ‘curing’ these people by making them look all skinny and bald. And sometimes they even succeed. But I always bring the cancer back later, or smite them even quicker, say, by having them fall off a ladder or sodomized by gorillas or something like that. This works even better as an overall smiting. After a person survives cancer, it fills Me with childish glee to then have them suffer an embarrassing and haphazard death.

Plus, this serves the double benefit of testing the faith of their family. I tell you, those who stop believing in Me, the LORD, over trivial things like this are not worthy of My Love. So you see, when people do manage to beat cancer, it ends up being a win-win situation for Me anyway. I always win.

And so I hate doctors, and cancer patients, and all the people who pray for them*. They’re annoying. If I give you cancer, just be cool about it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change My mind and cure you.

I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, have spoken.

*I’ll tell you one thing I really love though – when people don’t have health insurance. This makes the whole process of killing them go so much smoother.

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#39 The Olympics

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

So I laid down in My Almighty Throne Room on Friday after a long day of relaxing, and flipped on the television. And what do I find? The stupid Me-damned Olympics are back, once again! Not only that, but they’re being held in the Asian nation of China!

HOLY-FUCKING-RAFFLE-FRUMPUS@#$%^&*!!!

WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN?! Are you idiots trying to give The Almighty Lord an aneurysm?! I specifically ordered the Olympics be destroyed. I commanded My Heavenly Host to make sure those blasphemous games never ever happen again!

And what do we have instead? Not only are the Olympics back and on NBC, they’re being held in CHINA!! A nation of 1.3 billion Me-hating atheists. Ooh, fake fireworks and people walking around in circles waving stupid fans in unison. Great job China! I’m so NOT impressed.

I HATE the Olympics. I always have. It is a tradition started by the Ancient Greeks, a group of anal-loving logic-freaks. What’s worse, it is nothing more than a ‘religious festival’ in honor of that dick-face, Zeus!

Plus, it’s boring! So incredibly boring. There is no more boring and masturbatory activity that mankind engages in. The events are all painfully tedious to watch – nothing but a bunch of losers trying their best to win ‘sports’ no one cares about, like synchronized equestrian shuttlecock. You know what sport I would like to see? Midget-tossing. Or murder-ball. Or smiting. Those are sports I could see Myself enjoy watching.

I warn you humans – either get rid of these boring and contemptible Olympic games altogether, or at least change them to be a sporting festival meant to honor Me, The Almighty Lord your God. OR ELSE!

NOTE: I demand you pitiful mortals offer up your suggestions for what other new sports and games might make the Olympics more entertaining for Me.

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#38 Judas Iscariot

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace: Jesus The Christ.

Whatup mufuckers! Jesus is back and better than ever. Niggaz betta recognize!!!

Y’all bustas prolly wondering what I’m doing back. I know y’all don’t like it neever – y’all didn’t want Me coming back. Haha, it taste like ass in yo’ mouf!

Well fuck y’all! I just spent a monf and a half in the toughest pen in the hizzy- ADX supermax out in CO. My pops sent Me there after I disrespected his blog a little while back. He told me if I stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fuck some niggas up and bust out a prison I could come back to Heaven.

So yo, I wuz up in that fuckin’ place for like 5 minutes before I took that shit over. I was down with the Latin Kings from the jumpoff. They wuz callin’ Me ‘Hey-Zoos’ and shit. I hit the weights, fucked some bitches, stabbed some fuckin’ guards, took they guns and shot My way out the front mufuckin’ gate!

So yeah, I learned how to fight and shit. But still God wuz like, whatever Jesus you asshole, you been bitching out on Me for 2000 years – now you gots to fucking roll on some atheist niggaz for Me out in Cali.

So I went out there and fucked up those atheist bitches, word is bond. God took Me back last night and wuz like DAAAMMN SON! You been born-again hard as a muthafukka!

Shit nigga, He was so happy He wuz like, go ahead and pop off on any mufucka you hate son. SO THAT’S WHAT I’S IS GONNA DO.

So yo, let Me spit some truf right now. The first mufucka on My List is that mark-ass busta Judas mufuckin’ Iscariot.

FUCK YOU JUDAS!

You used to be My homey, you used to be My ace, and now I wanna slap the taste out yo’ mouf! You fucking gay-ass bastard. You sold Me out to the mufuckin’ Romans, showed them who I wuz by kissin’ Me on the mouf, and then left Me hanging on a cross to die! And fo’ what? 30 fuckin’ pieces of silver. You fuckin’ trick-ass busta!

I been patiently waitin’ to fuck you up for 1,975 years, bitch. Yeah, you been burning in hell, getting fucked in yo’ass by demons and shit since then, but that shit iz just too good for you. Now you gonna get the beatdown of all eternal beatdowns from Me and My homies. Me and the WHOLE KREW of 11 true-head Apostles is gonna straight fuck your bitch-ass up, Judas.

Fuckin’ Petey the Stanky Left-Hand Killa, Big James, John Couga Ho Slappa , Andy the Skull Cruncha, Phil the Rump-Thumpin’ Prison Fish, Fat Ugly Melon Balls Bart, Machete Masta Matt, Old Forty Sippa Tom, Lil’ Jimmy, Gatmasta Thad, and Simon the Drunken Tang Chasa; yo all dem niggaz is just itchin’ to pop a cap in yo’ass! And I’m a let’em too. We gonna make you WISH your punk-ass was back in hell. Shit, you be lucky if you keeps any of yo’ teef when we done with yo’ dumb ass.

Oh and by the way, I fucked yo’ bitch.

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