Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

#40 Cancer Patients

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

So I was relaxing in the Heavenly Hot Tub with a gaggle of hot naked angel chicks this weekend – having a glorious time I must say – when who should burst through the door and disturb the festivities but that sanctimonious prick Gabriel. He starts running his mouth about how I should heal some cancer patients for once and blah blah blah. Well, I told him what I always tell him – shove it up your ass, Gay-briel!

Gabriel used to be so hardcore.

And Gabriel used to be such a hardcore badass.

Gabriel – what the hell is his problem anyway? Ya know, for My Angel of Death, that guy has gone way too soft. If he keeps this shit up I’m totally busting his ass down to guardian angel duty.

So anyway, the point of this story is, I hate cancer patients, ok? That’s why they have cancer. They were people I just didn’t like for one reason or another, but usually it’s because they have a lame personality.

And I hate them even more once they realize they have cancer. Before that, I enjoy it a great deal as I watch them fight with their spouses, complain about having to get up in the morning, and generally squander their precious last few months of life on frivolities.

But once they get cancer, they just can’t die quick enough for Me, because they get SO annoying. Right on cue, people who’d spurned Me their whole lives start hounding Me with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. Sorry!

When I give somebody cancer, I don’t go back on it, ok? Call Me a prick, call Me what you heathens will, but I am the LORD, and I have principles.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

Of course, those clueless doctor twits always attempt to thwart My Divine Will by ‘curing’ these people by making them look all skinny and bald. And sometimes they even succeed. But I always bring the cancer back later, or smite them even quicker, say, by having them fall off a ladder or sodomized by gorillas or something like that. This works even better as an overall smiting. After a person survives cancer, it fills Me with childish glee to then have them suffer an embarrassing and haphazard death.

Plus, this serves the double benefit of testing the faith of their family. I tell you, those who stop believing in Me, the LORD, over trivial things like this are not worthy of My Love. So you see, when people do manage to beat cancer, it ends up being a win-win situation for Me anyway. I always win.

And so I hate doctors, and cancer patients, and all the people who pray for them*. They’re annoying. If I give you cancer, just be cool about it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change My mind and cure you.

I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, have spoken.

*I’ll tell you one thing I really love though – when people don’t have health insurance. This makes the whole process of killing them go so much smoother.

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#11 Being Crucified

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I genuinely hate – being crucified.

You know, if there’s one thing I don’t ever want to experience again, it’s being nailed to a cross and poked with spears. Man, that really hurt.

Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true!

See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.

So that was Me up there on the cross. I mean, I was also in Heaven watching, but whatever. I don’t want to confuse your simple human mind. However you want to look at it, getting crucified by Romans totally sucks monkey balls.

Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard you cried? Ok, now take that pain and multiply it by about a zillion. Are you beginning to understand what I went through for you people?

Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention that.

I let Myself get killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible, and all for your benefit. You ungrateful bastard!

I got killed for you and you barely even go to church anymore! And the last time you went you only put five dollars in the collection plate. You cheap schmuck!

Give Me more money or face My Wrath!

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