Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I’m really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It’s stupid, it’s a waste of time, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I’ve put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you’ve committed a sin, don’t come knocking on Heaven’s door, cause I’m done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.
Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would’ve ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I’ve heard them all a million times before. Here’s a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:
“Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen.”
“Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!”
“God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one.”
All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it’s gotten to be just a little bit irritating.
Also, I generally don’t like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don’t know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and ‘tucks her in’ again the very next night. Not cool!
You know, I wouldn’t even be in this mess if it wasn’t for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He’s the one who had to shout out on the cross, “Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he’s too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.
Anyway, I guess I’m reminded of all this because it’s Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It’s hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.
My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They’re the best.
But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!
To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.