Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about something I hate very, very much: impotence. I am not referring to impotence as a general powerlessness that the meek and lowly have; this type of impotence pleases the LORD.
No, I am referring to when a man is unable to raise his penis up towards the Heavens. This is pathetic! Nothing shows a lack of faith like a ‘man’ who can’t get a rock-hard 2-hour erection whenever he needs to.
Now I must admit, as a means of smiting a man that I hate, there is no weapon more useful in humbling man than taking away his ability to fuck. So I do love to use My Floppy-Dick Smite from time to time. It’s highly amusing.
What I hate is, when I have not specifically decided to smite a man with floppy-dick…and yet he STILL has trouble inserting his penis into his woman. There is only one reason and one reason alone for such heresy, and that is a disturbing lack of faith in Me.
Verily, did not My son Jesus (Me) tell you all before that if you have but the faith of a grain of mustard seed, you will be able to tell a mountain to move and it will get up and move?
Then why do you hollow men not command your cocks to get up and move?! This is simple. Because you have no faith! You are blasphemers and cowards and I hate the lot of you!
Because of you perfidious pansies, every day I must watch millions of My Divine Penis creations sit around neglected and unused…and all thanks to the unmanliness of their owners.
All My Penises desire, all they ever want to do, is to pound away on some pussy! And maybe pee in some snow. But no! You faithless pagan bastards can’t even let them do that! What’s wrong with you?!
Listen, it’s ok. Just relax and breathe. Just relax, and things will take care of themselves, ok human? Breathe. Breathe. I SAID BREATHE DAMN YOU!
What?! What is it? Why can’t you do it? You don’t think that I, the LORD your God, am beautiful?! I don’t make you hot and bothered with faith? Or is it that you don’t think I love you? Why don’t you have faith in Me anymore?!
ERRGH! I HATE YOU! YOU BUTT-FUCKING SODOMITES!
Oh, what’s the use in trying? You know, real men don’t have this problem. Devout men of faith, who pray to Me everyday for penis-help, never have a problem fucking anything, be it too big or too small.
Well, I suppose the good news for Me is I don’t need to waste My Time smiting these bonerless freaks. Their lack of faith is its own punishment.
Let this serve as a lesson to the rest of you: he who does not have faith in The Lord God Almighty, smites himself!