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Archive for September, 2008

Ask God: September

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

David: Dear God, do you hate the Mormons? Is that why you had that mob kill Joseph Smith in 1844?

GOD: First, as to your latter question, I had to smite Joseph Smith because he had gone mad with power, and absolutely fucking hate it when pitiful humans do that. Smith is still getting his ass torn apart by fiery demon cock. As to your former query, I do not hate the entire Mormon religion – just the effeminate-politically correct-single-wife-having Mormons that reside in Salt Lake City, Utah. None of them have any balls.

QUESTION #2:

Master Shake: What is Your opinion on telemarketers?

GOD: I hate them as much as you do. Unless they are working the phones on My Behalf. Then I love them.

QUESTION #3:

Christian The Jew: God, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are they really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?

GOD: No, they are not attention whores. Far from it. These are just people who are so incredibly special that I have chosen to speak to them personally. It just so happens I only speak to them when they are in church and surrounded by everyone they know.

QUESTION #4:

Anne Johnson: God, can we talk?

GOD: No. I don’t negotiate with pagan wenches. I SMITE THEM!

Bono prepares to chow down on yet another African baby.

QUESTION #5:

Sue Doenimm: If you hate Africa, You must not like Bono much, then?

GOD: Of course not. What a dumb question. The answer is so obvious!

QUESTION #6:

Evangelist Curtis: God, why do You allow things to be so fucked up?

GOD: Because it amuses Me! Your delicious sorrow and sweet tears bring Me endless entertainment and joy.

QUESTION #7:

Aesculopius: Good God, God, why are You so duplicitous?

GOD: I’m not. I never lie. I always tell the truth. What reason have I to lie? Lest you forget, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

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Pray to God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this new monthly feature, the faithful readers of My Divine Blog are granted the opportunity to send Me exactly one prayer request.

Just think of it! This allows you, a puny mortal, the incredible opportunity to bypass all the infinite bureaucracy and mularky associated with normal praying and ask The Lord Almighty directly for a favor! No more begging that whore Mary for help! Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!

Naturally, you will be expected to follow the usual protocol I expect. All prayers must begin with ‘Dear’ and some variation of praise unto Me, His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord your God. You must then humbly send Me your prayer, and be sure to give proper respect throughout by capitalizing all mentions of My Wondrous Person. And verily, when your prayer is concluded, you must thank The Lord profusely and then say ‘Amen.’ If you follow these rules I have laid before you, I promise I will answer your prayer. If you do not follow these rules, I promise I will not answer your ‘prayer.’

So go ahead mortal, pray to Me!

Disclaimer: Although all prayers are answered, they are very often not the answer you desire.

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God in the News – Guardian Angels

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Greetings humans. You know, I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately; My latest smite on China only managed to kill a measly 3 babies; sacrilegious scientists are getting ever closer to finding My Divine Particle; and one of My Angels failed to smite these two douchebags for Me. Also, I’m on bad terms with Jesus and that slut-whore Mary right now. But then just when things couldn’t get any worse, I read about this and felt completely restored:

Most Americans Believe in Guardian Angels

I love Americans! They are so good to Me. Sometimes I feel like the American people are MY guardian angels.

No matter how hard I smite them, those wonderful little sheeple just keep on believing in Me! Their faith is truly astonishing.

I can ravage their country over and over and over again with My Hurricane and Tornado Smites, destroy their tallest buildings AND their economy, and even make the entire Universe hate them…and yet they never stop loving Me.

America is indeed a great country. She is like one of those wonderful beaten wives; you can fuck her and beat her and then fuck her and beat her again, and she will just be grateful if you let her live!

The infinite faith Americans put in Me -and in My Army of Angels – makes me very happy. But in reading this article, what makes Me happier still is how they always assume My Angels are on Earth solely for their protection. What a conceited fallacy!

American Angels NEVER look like this. They are fat.

American Angels don't look like this. They are unsightly slobs.

I would put the amount of time the average Angelic foot soldier spends protecting a human to be about 5%, at best. Most of the time they are carrying out various smite missions. Perhaps the reason Americans believe in ‘guardian’ angels is because, like Americans themselves, the Angels I have covering the USA are slovenly and incompetent.

Take the case of these two dirty rock music bastards. I signed a standard form #747 Plane-Crash Smite Order for their deaths, and one of My American Angels screwed up the hit-job because he smoked a fat blunt beforehand. And yet these two rocker idiots (and their fans) will likely attribute their continued existence to the presence of a ‘guardian’ angel. HA!

Americans, you are very lovable little fools. You just keep believing in Me and My Angel Death Squadrons no matter what, ok? I like that. One of these days I will get around to tossing a few more blessings your way. I swear to Me.

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God on the Internet

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello My children. On the advice of Jesus, who is rather tech savvy, I signed up for a couple of social networking sites last night. I set up a new profile at Twitter, where I plan on just posting little updates on what I’m doing, or ‘tweets’ as they are called. Sounds pretty lame to Me. But who knows, it might be fun. I need some fun.

I also set up a profile at the blasphemous website Atheist Nexus, where I plan on finding baby-eating atheists to smite. I might even try and convince a few into believing in Me. I do like a challenge.

And in the future I will likely setup profiles on both MySpace and Facebook as well. Although Jesus says only dirty minorities use MySpace anymore…so…yeah. Maybe I’ll just skip that one.

UPDATE: I’ve gotten one of those stupid facebook pages.

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#46 Boner Pills

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.

I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!!

Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.

Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.

Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.

DAMN YOU VIAGRA!

Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.

Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.

Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.

Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; “Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?”

SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!

I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I’ve hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.

The Lord writes about what He wants!

In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.

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#45 Impotence

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about something I hate very, very much: impotence. I am not referring to impotence as a general powerlessness that the meek and lowly have; this type of impotence pleases the LORD.

No, I am referring to when a man is unable to raise his penis up towards the Heavens. This is pathetic! Nothing shows a lack of faith like a ‘man’ who can’t get a rock-hard 2-hour erection whenever he needs to.

Now I must admit, as a means of smiting a man that I hate, there is no weapon more useful in humbling man than taking away his ability to fuck. So I do love to use My Floppy-Dick Smite from time to time. It’s highly amusing.

What I hate is, when I have not specifically decided to smite a man with floppy-dick…and yet he STILL has trouble inserting his penis into his woman. There is only one reason and one reason alone for such heresy, and that is a disturbing lack of faith in Me.

Verily, did not My son Jesus (Me) tell you all before that if you have but the faith of a grain of mustard seed, you will be able to tell a mountain to move and it will get up and move?

Then why do you hollow men not command your cocks to get up and move?! This is simple. Because you have no faith! You are blasphemers and cowards and I hate the lot of you!

Verily, those who have faith in Me, shall always get it up, and shall never come too quickly.

Because of you perfidious pansies, every day I must watch millions of My Divine Penis creations sit around neglected and unused…and all thanks to the unmanliness of their owners.

All My Penises desire, all they ever want to do, is to pound away on some pussy! And maybe pee in some snow. But no! You faithless pagan bastards can’t even let them do that! What’s wrong with you?!

Listen, it’s ok. Just relax and breathe. Just relax, and things will take care of themselves, ok human? Breathe. Breathe. I SAID BREATHE DAMN YOU!

What?! What is it? Why can’t you do it? You don’t think that I, the LORD your God, am beautiful?! I don’t make you hot and bothered with faith? Or is it that you don’t think I love you? Why don’t you have faith in Me anymore?!

ERRGH! I HATE YOU! YOU BUTT-FUCKING SODOMITES!

Oh, what’s the use in trying? You know, real men don’t have this problem. Devout men of faith, who pray to Me everyday for penis-help, never have a problem fucking anything, be it too big or too small.

Well, I suppose the good news for Me is I don’t need to waste My Time smiting these bonerless freaks. Their lack of faith is its own punishment.

Let this serve as a lesson to the rest of you: he who does not have faith in The Lord God Almighty, smites himself!

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God in the News – The Iraq War

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was watching ABC last night, when I caught this interview with the future Vice-King of America:

Sarah Palin on God and the Iraq War

YOU ESKIMO-BLOWING PIG-CUNT-WHORE!

YOU LYING BLUBBER-EATING COWARD!

YOU SEAL-CLUBBING….well actually, I rather enjoy the seal-clubbing, but that’s not the point. DAMN YOU PALIN! YOU UGLY BITCH!

You told everyone the truth; that the Iraq War is all part of My Divine Plan. And then you gutlessly backpedaled, as if suggesting that I would ever be in favor of a war was something crazy. It’s not crazy! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love creating new dead soldiers!

Well, now your son will be one of them! When he deploys in several weeks, no matter how you try to protect him from harm, he will die!

SO SPEAKETH THE LORD!

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