In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Nun: A question for you, God… do you ever worry that some Jesus-freak is going to come after you for the blog?
GOD: No. I don’t worry about that. Unlike you human cowards, I have no fear of death. Besides, even if I was a mortal, wordpress.com offers total anonymity. I am switching to Mine Own Heavenly Server soon anyway, and the website StuffGodHates.com is registered by proxy, just to make sure none of you fanatics ever discover My Earthly mailing address. And even if one of you freaks did ever manage to ‘find’ Me I would utterly destroy you.
Nun – you are paranoid. I blame the massive amounts of My Green Leaf you smoke. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your stash till you get your head clear.
Christian: God, why does Satan get most of the cool people?
GOD: He doesn’t, you asshole. You have absolutely no idea who I send to hell and who I let adore Me for all eternity. Only the coolest people get into Heaven.
IAmBetterThanYou: Dear Your Holy God: What are Your thoughts on that fraud preacher who faked having cancer just to hide his porn addiction and made a killing in the Christian Music industry, and how are You going to smite this bastard?
GOD: I’m going to give him cancer of the penis.
Uppity Cracka: It’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. Why does this happen God? Why?
GOD: Ah yes. You are referring to My Gigantisize Smite, one of My favorite vanity-crushing smites. This is when I expand the size of a human’s body part to grotesquely large proportions. I also do the opposite, but either way this type of smite yields extremely amusing results.
Specifically in this case you are talking about what I did to Alfonso Robiero, AKA Carlton. I hate that smug prick. I’m glad to see his smite is coming along nicely. Wait another 5 years. His head will be twice as large by then.
QUESTION #5: (In reference to Deuteronomy 23:1)
Josh: What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them? And please can I be your favorite again?
GOD: Eunuchs are the biggest chumps in the history of man. And in the history of penis, for that matter. They do not honor Me. Nowhere in My Book do I authorize what they do, in fact quite the opposite!
As to the last part of your question: No. You will never be anyone’s favorite again.
QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10)
McSchmahl: Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?
GOD: Excellent question; you are asking about one of the many specific sexual situations I neglected to cover in My Book. The answer is yes, it makes Me very glad to see sperm saved in sterile jars, so long as you correctly sign and date them, and only if you insert said sperm in your dead brother’s wife.
Yo Yo Ma Ma: God; I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet. My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else? And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?
GOD: Yo Yo, I realize you asked this question 15 days ago, and that is why I am so pleased you have not flushed, nor let anyone else flush, the 4th office men’s bathroom stall. I especially appreciate you camping there with your laptop, faithfully awaiting My reply. I shall award you with any one of the hot girls in your office you want to have sex with, and make sure your wife never finds out or that you ever feel any guilt. The sex will be wonderful, you will have enough to get your fill, and then the girl will move three thousand miles away – never to be heard from again.
As to your question, by all means, do not flush it. Take pictures and call every news outlet in existence until they show up to cover this. I will bless your endeavor and bring people to this Holy Shite. You can expect no miracles from the toilet water, I just want humans to see the Slut Mary for the colossal piece of shit she is.