I got lucky with the jumping and kicking… that sneaky clit-cutter Muhammad frightened me when he used his devilish terrorist tricks to disappear so being the cowardly mortal that I am, I just jumped and kicked and then WHOA!! I was beating the shit out of that terrorist asshole and he was still invisible. I couldn’t have done it without You, God. You gave me the strength to go on when my fingers just wanted to stop and roast a bowl.
so, technically speaking, if you don’t worship anything because you’re not a superstitious caveman then god won’t get jealous. but, you could play him if you want like nun does by fucking another god…like maybe zeus in a johnny depp costume. that way, god will come back to you and resume the co-dependency. you depend on him as an intellectual pacifier, he depends on you for some form of existence. it all works out.
why is it always old testament shit she’s quoting, too? bridgette worships the vengeful god who wields the flaming sword of justice and has appeared in many famous works of art by such renowned fags as leonardo da vinci and michelangelo.
Bridgette probably has a cross and maybe some rosary beads when the bible says more than once not have any carved images.
Deuteronomy 4:16: so that you do not become corrupt and make for yourselves an idol, an image of any shape, whether formed like a man or a woman,
Deuteronomy 27:15 : Cursed is the man who carves an image or casts an idol—a thing detestable to the LORD, the work of the craftsman’s hands—and sets it up in secret.
Then all the people shall say, “Amen!”
she’s into that pasta guy, i think. she’s right, though, bridgette really did us a favor by warning us to steer clear of a serious relationship with god. first couple of months it’s all surprise gifts, rose petals, backrubs, shit like that. then, before you know it he’s forbidding you from talking to your friends, locking you in the bathroom when he leaves the house, smacking you around because he thinks your checking out other gods’ asses. fuck. thanks, bridgette.
God doesn’t freak out if you go to a Santeria BBQ. He just pulls up in His car and quietly sits out front, then takes notes on what’s going on while looking through his binoculars. Then He just damns you to hell.
I mean if you don’t like God just get a restraining order. The thing is you do like him because when he beats you, you know you deserve it.
Bridgette isn’t making any sense! What other god have we been worshipping? We’re only worshipping Jealous. And we’re playing The Game as Jealous and kicking the shit out of the other gods. Does she think that kicking the shit out of the other gods is in any way a form of worship? Maybe that’s what her husband tells her each time she clumsily “slips in the shower” or “walks into a door”: he worships her.
“God doesn’t freak out if you go to a Santeria BBQ. He just pulls up in His car and quietly sits out front, then takes notes on what’s going on while looking through his binoculars. Then He just damns you to hell.”
LMAO. you know Josh, one day you’re lame and eaisly offendable, and then the next day you go and totally redeem yourself! Praise be to God.
Josh, I don’t think Bridgette has rosary beads. That’s pretty much a Roman Catholic thing (the one TRUE religion) and Bridgette is most definitely a fundamentalist Bible thumping idiot who drives around in a beat up Pontiac with Jesus bumper stickers praising the virtue of the King James Bible and empty donut boxes on the back seat. Just a guess of course.
Ben, I’m not easily offendable I just hate being bored, but I am lame. You’re dead on with that one.
Uppity, I used to be super religious so I know a bunch of stuff about the bible. I’ve read that book more times than I care to mention. So now I have all this crap in my head and use it against people pushing the bible on me and fat midgets like Bridgette.
i was raised by a bible thumping preacher dad (literally, my dad is a preacher) so i know that pain, my friend. used to have the bible memorized, too. i self medicated all those memories away. all better now. where my pills at?
Interesting how many of us here have bent pseudo religious back grounds. Actually, at the Bible College, I had sex with the Dean. A lot. I was then practically asked to leave after they had a night long prayer session (read that torture) and wouldn’t repent.
Come to think of it. That was a really fucked up place!
Hey Curtis–you’re in good company. The 19th C missionary William Yate was driven out of the church for ‘unnatural acts’
(In New Zealand, Yate’s fellow missionaries imposed rough justice: after “a solemn day of fasting and humiliation”, they burnt all his goods, shot his unfortunate horse, and renamed his mission station “The Vale of Achan”.)
Yeah–hitting someone too little to hit back is real caritas. Perhaps God would smite all the fucking, cock-sucking, cunt-licking, anal-probing child-beating Christian bastards who think hurting small children gets them into paradise.
Well no wonder we’re all drawn to this blog after having varying degrees of religious zealots influence our childhoods. They do an awful lot of damage don’t they? All in the name of God. (Which, thanks to Bridgette, I’ve learned is actually “Jealous”)
Yeah Nun–that’s the kicker isn’t it? You almost wish there was an afterlife just so they could all know how stupid they’ve been. (and how they’ve fucked up the world for everyone else, just because they shit their pants when they think about dying)
Bridgette has made a good point. I was sittin’ pretty on top of Mt. Olympus. Millions of followers from the British Iles to the Indus River Valley – I was all like there’s enough love to go around, worship Apollo, Aphrodite, Ares – whatev’! Just give me goats and virgins and wine and I’m good. The Germanic tribes called me Oden and then the Romans came along and called me Jupiter. Kinda gay, but whatev’. Just give me goats and wine and virgins and I’m good. Sure I had my moments of wrath and smitings like the Titans that I crushed, but then BAM!! You wake up one day after ensuring stupid GOD-followers are thrown to the lions BUT then they’re taking over Rome holding a stupid Council and forcing the Emporer to convert on his death bed. Then all of the sudden I’m a “myth.” Oh yeah, I’m a myth. No more wine, no more goats, and only occasionally virgins.
The next thing I know I gotta go out and get a stupid job, work my way through law school ’cause no I get no freakin’ tithings – not one F*in’ goat! Now, I’m slogging hours at a law firm – all so I can live a decent life and drive a crappy BMW when I used to have pimpin’ golden chariot! And did I mention the virgins. So, unless GOD wants to go the way of “myth” then he damn well better stay jealous. I might I say he’s been doin’ a really good job of it. Man, I wish I were more jealos just like GOD. Good thing I can still do stuff like turn in to Tim Curry Sex Dolls and Gillian Anderson.
Nun, I’ve never really tried. It’s always about sex. No freakin’ way Smoggy! As much as I’d love to see Graham publically humiliated a big giant hypocrate ther is know way I am blowin’ pipe to do it! Wheat thin, the only Puerto Rican I have manifested as is Rico Suave and that was just to get sweet Puerto Rican poontang.
Nun, definitely Ewan. He’s cool. Was supposed to be Bind but turned it down. I mean how cool do you have to be to turn down Bond. And if hypothetically I were mortal, I have been told I look a little like him. Can we get his wife, Eve Mavrakis, in on the action too??
I don’t blame him for turning down Bond. He got screwed by Star Wars and probably didn’t want to set himself up again. Ewan is probably one of the coolest dudes around… I’m surprised I didn’t think of him sooner. And if you were a mortal and looked like Ewan, I’d kidnap you forever.
Josh and Wheat Thin, you both suck as racists. PRs clean up in Miami and Chicago and Mexicans in California and Texas. Jeesh. And Nun, I can also fix a toilet, run electrical wire, build wals, and take out the trash so I’m am good for more than just one thing. And I’m waiting for my kidnapping.
Smoggy since you are in New Zealand, do the toilets flush in reverse and does all the blood rush to you head since you are upside down and isn’t it like 6 A.M. so what the hell are you doing up blogging?
Zeus, do you have smiting power? ‘Cause that Wheat Thin said I was dumb and now I’m all bleary eyed. All I ever wanted to do was go “drinking” with him and sing show tunes. Can’t you throw a lightning bolt up his ass or something? Please? For me? Your favorite gay hillbilly?
We all know Wheat Thin is in the closet, but that means if you ask him to go “drinking” he is naturally going to lash out. I don’t see the problem with the show tunes though. I often break into versus of Modern Major General from Pirates of Penance. What Thin go sing show tunes with Curtis or it’s a lighting bolt for you. Sure I don’t have the smiting powers of GOD but you better beleive it will hurt. And Curits, it will not be “up his ass.” Jeesh.
“don’t lie. You start work early so you can hit the pub early”
Ya got me Zeus–with tongues as swollen as ours we have to get our beer in saucers and lick it up (all the while standing ankle-deep in the toilet overflow). As you can imagine it takes a lot longer to get pissed.
Good earthly dudes suck. Except for Der Dude… I like the idea that he has a commune in Costa Rica. As for the flirting, who am I flirting with that you think I should stop? I can’t even tell when I’m flirting anymore… that’s how sexy I am.
How does a mortal go about kidnapping a deity? I sure wouldn’t mind having you around… my very own shape-shifter and I do get tired of doing my own handyman work. Although, after reading what Smoggy has to say, I’ve been thinking about kidnapping a New Zealander as well. Hey Smoggy, does your tongue stay swollen once you cross the equator????
Damn it Johnson! You always pop up just in time to piss me of as I’m getting ready for wine and goats and tonight’s rendevous with Nun as Ewan. Britian, I got there at least. I made sure the Roman legions went around smiting all the Druids too! And I love Mohammed’s virgins. Mmm, Lebanese lookers and Persian princesses. Yummy.
Damn it Johnson!! And not I haven’tbeen to the moon. There is no wine and sarifical goats there. I have been to the mountain top though.
Smoggy yes, technically I would be a lesbian, but I would still totally be getting off on it thinking like a man. And would you shut up about Gillian Anderson!! I don’t want your engorged Kiwi tongue near me!!
how about lee marvin or jack palance? they were old looking their whole lives, sure, but they were tough as hell. you know, like a MAN…i mean, why do you want to sleep with these girly boys so bad? ridiculous. it’s getting so a man has to wax his asshole to get any love from the females. pretty soon we’ll be shaving OUR legs.
I don’t know what it is with these people at the hospital today, but obviously the cafeteria ladies put a big dose of stupid in the oatmeal. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is trying to piss me the hell off and it’s working. FUCK this place!
Thank you for letting me vent. Now I will go back to being the jovial gay hillbilly you’ve come to expect.
it’s because you work in healthcare. it’s just the way it goes. the same people ask me the same questions everyday. how do you not remember from the 82 times you asked me last week? is it that hard to not be stupid?! now, i just give them smartass answers to everything. just like the real me who lives in this computer.
Hey, St. Pat, you ferret-fart: Druids hate you too. We wear orange on your day. As for Bridgette, I wonder if she knows she has a pagan name? Probably her full quiver mama ran out of good Bible names like Mary and Martha and Rachel and Leah. And Dinah who blew the wrong horn.
Do you have a Driud staff and robe? Are you a member of the OBOD? Are you mono- or poly-theistic? Just information gathering for God so he can make an educated decision on how badly to smite you.
I asked that but I think God is off playing video games. In fact I have asked a few questions recently and have had none answered. Perhaps I am approaching a smiting? Maybe God is bored with His Divine Blog and has abandoned us to talk for eternity about completely random mundane, sexist, racist, and sexually explicit topics?
Ahh, Smoggy Live and Let Die. That was one of the best Bond movies. The Oh Cult Shop Clerk is a hottie. I wish Bond would of have double O sevened her but CIA Agent Rosie Carver was an okay conquest. But, Solitaire much hotter than Miss Caruso.
Maybe God is full of hate for us today. He seems to feel that way on occasion. Speaking only for myself, I always feel special when God directs His Divine Hatred in my direction.
As for Duchovny… he is vain which is why I’d rather have you impersonating Duchovny than Duchovny himself. He also is going to rehab for a sex addiction so it probably isn’t nice to tease him with the idea of a deity getting sex in his form when he has to rehab himself to not want so much sex. Poor dude. Karma is such a cunty, bitchy whore.
Rehab for sex addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a tanker truck load of crap! I totally would never seek help for sex addiction. If you are going to be addicted to anything that is absolutely the best thing to be addicted to. How would you even know you are addicted to sex? “Jeez, doc I just want to fuck all the time.” Well, duh, you famous, a guy, and have a big cock. Maybe he doesn’t know how to cuddle, huh Johnson?
The problem with Bond films now is there are no unique ways of killing people. No more deadly hat throws, no pool of sharks or alligators, no Giant laser beams, shooting people into the vaccum of space. I wonder if God has ever smited people with these tactics? Certainly he has smited people with shark and alligator attacks but specifically ppols of sharks and alligators, hmmm?
Well, I suppose if he the goldfish stop moving when he comes into the room for fear fo getting buggered then I suppose it’s time for rehab. You have to have some amount of control. Even I, Zeus, have standards.
yes, that’s how he smited this guy i used to know who was the high priest of this weird cult in india somewhere, i want to say. anyway, this guy would chant all weird and rip out your heart…fucking lunatic. stupid slave labor mining, too.
Great, both Wheat Thin and Smoggy are so dilusional that they belive the movies they’ve seen are real. Smoogy, is all the blood in your upside down head affecting your mental capacities? Wheat Thin, I don’t know what your excuse is except that you are PR TT.
God, Waylon Jennings says “ain’t no God in Mexico.” If that is true then why the hell are there so many Catholics? I thought you were omnipresent? And have you smote Waylon Jennings for even suggesting it even though it is a pretty good song?
I’ll answer your question, Tony but first you must deposit $500,000.00 into my bank account. I know that seems steep but once you find out what I can do with my vajayjay, you’ll realize it was a bargain. I got mad skills!!