Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
So I was relaxing in the Heavenly Hot Tub with a gaggle of hot naked angel chicks this weekend – having a glorious time I must say – when who should burst through the door and disturb the festivities but that sanctimonious prick Gabriel. He starts running his mouth about how I should heal some cancer patients for once and blah blah blah. Well, I told him what I always tell him – shove it up your ass, Gay-briel!
Gabriel – what the hell is his problem anyway? Ya know, for My Angel of Death, that guy has gone way too soft. If he keeps this shit up I’m totally busting his ass down to guardian angel duty.
So anyway, the point of this story is, I hate cancer patients, ok? That’s why they have cancer. They were people I just didn’t like for one reason or another, but usually it’s because they have a lame personality.
And I hate them even more once they realize they have cancer. Before that, I enjoy it a great deal as I watch them fight with their spouses, complain about having to get up in the morning, and generally squander their precious last few months of life on frivolities.
But once they get cancer, they just can’t die quick enough for Me, because they get SO annoying. Right on cue, people who’d spurned Me their whole lives start hounding Me with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. Sorry!
When I give somebody cancer, I don’t go back on it, ok? Call Me a prick, call Me what you heathens will, but I am the LORD, and I have principles.
Of course, those clueless doctor twits always attempt to thwart My Divine Will by ‘curing’ these people by making them look all skinny and bald. And sometimes they even succeed. But I always bring the cancer back later, or smite them even quicker, say, by having them fall off a ladder or sodomized by gorillas or something like that. This works even better as an overall smiting. After a person survives cancer, it fills Me with childish glee to then have them suffer an embarrassing and haphazard death.
Plus, this serves the double benefit of testing the faith of their family. I tell you, those who stop believing in Me, the LORD, over trivial things like this are not worthy of My Love. So you see, when people do manage to beat cancer, it ends up being a win-win situation for Me anyway. I always win.
And so I hate doctors, and cancer patients, and all the people who pray for them*. They’re annoying. If I give you cancer, just be cool about it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change My mind and cure you.
I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, have spoken.
*I’ll tell you one thing I really love though – when people don’t have health insurance. This makes the whole process of killing them go so much smoother.