Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
So I laid down in My Almighty Throne Room on Friday after a long day of relaxing, and flipped on the television. And what do I find? The stupid Me-damned Olympics are back, once again! Not only that, but they’re being held in the Asian nation of China!
WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN?! Are you idiots trying to give The Almighty Lord an aneurysm?! I specifically ordered the Olympics be destroyed. I commanded My Heavenly Host to make sure those blasphemous games never ever happen again!
And what do we have instead? Not only are the Olympics back and on NBC, they’re being held in CHINA!! A nation of 1.3 billion Me-hating atheists. Ooh, fake fireworks and people walking around in circles waving stupid fans in unison. Great job China! I’m so NOT impressed.
I HATE the Olympics. I always have. It is a tradition started by the Ancient Greeks, a group of anal-loving logic-freaks. What’s worse, it is nothing more than a ‘religious festival’ in honor of that dick-face, Zeus!
Plus, it’s boring! So incredibly boring. There is no more boring and masturbatory activity that mankind engages in. The events are all painfully tedious to watch – nothing but a bunch of losers trying their best to win ‘sports’ no one cares about, like synchronized equestrian shuttlecock. You know what sport I would like to see? Midget-tossing. Or murder-ball. Or smiting. Those are sports I could see Myself enjoy watching.
I warn you humans – either get rid of these boring and contemptible Olympic games altogether, or at least change them to be a sporting festival meant to honor Me, The Almighty Lord your God. OR ELSE!
NOTE: I demand you pitiful mortals offer up your suggestions for what other new sports and games might make the Olympics more entertaining for Me.