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Archive for August, 2008

Ask God: August

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Nun: A question for you, God… do you ever worry that some Jesus-freak is going to come after you for the blog?

Will never find Me.

Will never find Me.

GOD: No. I don’t worry about that. Unlike you human cowards, I have no fear of death. Besides, even if I was a mortal, wordpress.com offers total anonymity. I am switching to Mine Own Heavenly Server soon anyway, and the website StuffGodHates.com is registered by proxy, just to make sure none of you fanatics ever discover My Earthly mailing address. And even if one of you freaks did ever manage to ‘find’ Me I would utterly destroy you.

Nun – you are paranoid. I blame the massive amounts of My Green Leaf you smoke. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your stash till you get your head clear.

QUESTION #2:

Christian: God, why does Satan get most of the cool people?

GOD: He doesn’t, you asshole. You have absolutely no idea who I send to hell and who I let adore Me for all eternity. Only the coolest people get into Heaven.

QUESTION #3:

IAmBetterThanYou: Dear Your Holy God: What are Your thoughts on that fraud preacher who faked having cancer just to hide his porn addiction and made a killing in the Christian Music industry, and how are You going to smite this bastard?

GOD: I’m going to give him cancer of the penis.

QUESTION #4:

Uppity Cracka: It’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. Why does this happen God? Why?

GOD: Ah yes. You are referring to My Gigantisize Smite, one of My favorite vanity-crushing smites. This is when I expand the size of a human’s body part to grotesquely large proportions. I also do the opposite, but either way this type of smite yields extremely amusing results.

Specifically in this case you are talking about what I did to Alfonso Robiero, AKA Carlton. I hate that smug prick. I’m glad to see his smite is coming along nicely. Wait another 5 years. His head will be twice as large by then.

QUESTION #5: (In reference to Deuteronomy 23:1)

Josh: What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them? And please can I be your favorite again?

GOD: Eunuchs are the biggest chumps in the history of man. And in the history of penis, for that matter. They do not honor Me. Nowhere in My Book do I authorize what they do, in fact quite the opposite!

As to the last part of your question: No. You will never be anyone’s favorite again.

QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10)

McSchmahl: Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?

GOD: Excellent question; you are asking about one of the many specific sexual situations I neglected to cover in My Book. The answer is yes, it makes Me very glad to see sperm saved in sterile jars, so long as you correctly sign and date them, and only if you insert said sperm in your dead brother’s wife.

QUESTION #7:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: God; I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet. My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else? And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?

GOD: Yo Yo, I realize you asked this question 15 days ago, and that is why I am so pleased you have not flushed, nor let anyone else flush, the 4th office men’s bathroom stall. I especially appreciate you camping there with your laptop, faithfully awaiting My reply. I shall award you with any one of the hot girls in your office you want to have sex with, and make sure your wife never finds out or that you ever feel any guilt. The sex will be wonderful, you will have enough to get your fill, and then the girl will move three thousand miles away – never to be heard from again.

As to your question, by all means, do not flush it. Take pictures and call every news outlet in existence until they show up to cover this. I will bless your endeavor and bring people to this Holy Shite. You can expect no miracles from the toilet water, I just want humans to see the Slut Mary for the colossal piece of shit she is.

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God’s Game Challenge

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I spent all day and all night playing this videogame sent to Me by one of My minions:

Faith Fighter

At first I was thrilled. I love what the creators did in how they depict Me. In the game I look strong and have powerful moves. However, after playing for the last 15 hours straight, I have been unable to advance past that clit-cutting sand-fucker Mohammed. See, he does this thing where he turns invisible and before I know it My character is dead. It doesn’t matter what difficulty level I play on either.

Now before I get the inevitable question – how could you lose God? Aren’t you all-powerful? Yes, this is true. I don’t have to lose, but I like to suspend My powers while I play games that intrigue Me. It kind of takes the fun out of the diversion when you know you can’t lose. But back to the point.

I need help beating that terrorist asshole Mohammed. Is anyone here good at videogames? I have no trouble bitchslapping the rest of the competition with My Right Cross and My Pillar of Fire, I’m just struggling to beat that fugly dune coon Mohammed. I command you, My Followers, to play this game and defeat the enemies of the LORD.

If you do happen to get past that butt-fucking faggot Mohammed, I will reward you by granting you one wish-prayer of your choosing.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

“A man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose penis has been cut off, must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.”

In this passage of My Good Book, which just so happens to be the best-selling and most-read book of all time, I elucidate on the necessity of excommunicating any male who has lost any part of his genitals.

The reason for this is simple. If I hate a man enough to smite him so hard that he loses either his frank or his beans, then you had better believe I hate him and do not want him for My flock. No matter the seemingly random cause of your castration, I assure you it is a sign of My Profound Hatred for thee.

So if your testicles have been trampled by a horse, or shattered from the kick of an angry woman, or in any way otherwise destroyed; take heed – for you are no longer welcome in My Temple.

You are also not welcome in the House of the LORD if you have no penis. Forsooth, whether your penis was cut off by an angry woman or by a clumsy mohel, you are also not welcome in My Temple, for yea, thou art a cockless freak that disgusteth Me.

And do not think that you can use modern science to get around your eternal banishment. So if your wife cuts off your penis while you are sleeping, and then you find it in a field and have a bunch of faggoty scientists reattach it for you – this does not count. You are still not welcome in My Temple. As far as I am concerned, you and your ghastly new Frankenpenis can just keep away from Me and My People.

And lastly, if you are one of those human males foolish enough to get a vasectomy, then you have shunned the genitals I gave you and you are also no longer welcome in My congregation.

I, The Almighty LORD, have spoken.

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#41 God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and sob before the Wonderful Words of The Lady Madonna, as written by The Blessed Virgin Mary herself!

Shalom! Shalom everyone! It’s me, the Blessed Virgin Mary. I thought I’d take a break from appearing to you all in grilled cheese sandwiches and restaurant drains to give you my perspective on God.

Now listen up bubbalas, you would think that being nailed by the Omnipotent Jehovah would have been the thrill of my life. Well I’m here to tell you, not so much. Oye. Truth be told, the whole immaculate conception experience was terribly overrated.

God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.

God didn’t even have the common courtesy of telling me Himself that I was knocked up. He sent one of His angels, Gladys, to break the news. I was heartbroken.

A single mother indeed! I’ll tell you something else. Although I was quite the looker in those days (good skin, long brown hair, great tits), I was only 13. That’s right, God is a sexual predator. Imagine, He could have picked any woman in the world to carry His Son, and that schmoiger chooses a 13-year-old girl. That meshugeneh God has got some chutzpah!

Jesus was an ugly baby.

Jesus was an ugly baby.

So 8 and a half months later, there I was, full-blown and ready to plotz, when Joseph makes me schlep all the way to Bethlehem just to be counted in some fakakta census. What, they couldn’t make an exception for one pregnant girl? Oye! That Joseph, what a schmendrick he was!

So when we get there, do you think God had any of his angels call ahead to reserve us a room? Oh no, that shmageggi let me give birth to His faygala Son in some schlocky barn full of donkey dreck. Feh!

And who does he send to meet us there? These three fershtinkiners bearing worthless gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and more myrrh. Oye gevalt. And don’t believe that dreck that one of the kings brought us gelt either. Those greedy goys didn’t even bring me any water or at least something to nosh. Now that I could’ve used!

So what was supposed to be a mitzvah ended up getting all fakakta, and all because God is such a cheap schvantz-sucker. Oye gevalt! I hate that schmuck. If it’s not too much trouble, I suggest you all stop praying to him and pray to me instead. I’m a good Jewish mother, and a much better parent than God. You want some matza-ball soup? Eat! Eat! You’re skin and bones!

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#40 Cancer Patients

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

So I was relaxing in the Heavenly Hot Tub with a gaggle of hot naked angel chicks this weekend – having a glorious time I must say – when who should burst through the door and disturb the festivities but that sanctimonious prick Gabriel. He starts running his mouth about how I should heal some cancer patients for once and blah blah blah. Well, I told him what I always tell him – shove it up your ass, Gay-briel!

Gabriel used to be so hardcore.

And Gabriel used to be such a hardcore badass.

Gabriel – what the hell is his problem anyway? Ya know, for My Angel of Death, that guy has gone way too soft. If he keeps this shit up I’m totally busting his ass down to guardian angel duty.

So anyway, the point of this story is, I hate cancer patients, ok? That’s why they have cancer. They were people I just didn’t like for one reason or another, but usually it’s because they have a lame personality.

And I hate them even more once they realize they have cancer. Before that, I enjoy it a great deal as I watch them fight with their spouses, complain about having to get up in the morning, and generally squander their precious last few months of life on frivolities.

But once they get cancer, they just can’t die quick enough for Me, because they get SO annoying. Right on cue, people who’d spurned Me their whole lives start hounding Me with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. Sorry!

When I give somebody cancer, I don’t go back on it, ok? Call Me a prick, call Me what you heathens will, but I am the LORD, and I have principles.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

Of course, those clueless doctor twits always attempt to thwart My Divine Will by ‘curing’ these people by making them look all skinny and bald. And sometimes they even succeed. But I always bring the cancer back later, or smite them even quicker, say, by having them fall off a ladder or sodomized by gorillas or something like that. This works even better as an overall smiting. After a person survives cancer, it fills Me with childish glee to then have them suffer an embarrassing and haphazard death.

Plus, this serves the double benefit of testing the faith of their family. I tell you, those who stop believing in Me, the LORD, over trivial things like this are not worthy of My Love. So you see, when people do manage to beat cancer, it ends up being a win-win situation for Me anyway. I always win.

And so I hate doctors, and cancer patients, and all the people who pray for them*. They’re annoying. If I give you cancer, just be cool about it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change My mind and cure you.

I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, have spoken.

*I’ll tell you one thing I really love though – when people don’t have health insurance. This makes the whole process of killing them go so much smoother.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

6 For his first son Er, Judah got a wife whose name was Tamar.

7 Er’s conduct was evil, and it displeased the LORD, so the LORD killed him.

8 Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and sleep with your brother’s widow. Fulfill your obligation to her as her husband’s brother, so that your brother may have descendants.”

9 But Onan knew that the children would not belong to him, so when he had intercourse with his brother’s widow, he let the semen spill on the ground, so that there would be no children for his brother.

10 What he did displeased the LORD, and the LORD killed him also.*

This passage makes very clear My passionate feelings on the subject of spilling sperm. I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again; EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! If a man wastes his precious semen by spilling it just anywhere, I will certainly punish him.

Now there are varying degrees of punishment for this sin. For example, as this verse demonstrates, if you disgrace your dead brother by refusing to ejaculate inside his recently widowed wife, and you instead selfishly spill your seed on the ground, I will be very angry and smite you with a painful death.

Or let’s say you do something truly satanic and spill your seed into a disgusting, dirty public toilet, I will be furious and smite you with a slow and extremely painful death.

But the punishment is not always this severe. If, on the other hand, you just spill your seed into a bunch of wadded up tissues because you were bored, then the punishment is only a swift and mildly painful death. Like a sudden heart attack while you’re jerking it. –>

However, it is acceptable to pull out at the last second and spill your seed onto a woman, as long as you make sure to do it on her chest or face in a way that totally degrades her.

I WARN YOU MORTALS! OBEY MY SEMEN LAWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!

* Interesting followup to that story…after I killed Onan, his father Judah later accidentally slept with Er’s widow Tamar. But this was okay because he thought she was a prostitute and also came inside her.

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