In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Susan Lange: “I would like to greet you but I am not getting words to greet you. It is a great gift for the people. Reading this bible inspires me, thought I have read many versions of bibles but did not get the answers of the questions which arise in my mind. God is an incredible word which is not having its exact meaning. I made the bible search , but did not get the exact meaning of God. You are the person who gives the answer to the question that what is God?”
GOD: Yes Susan. I am The Lord God Almighty. Did you even read The Bible? I’m on every page. If you did and you don’t know who I am by now, then you will never know. Also, learn to speak English and not be dumb anymore.
Dean: “Lord, what time zone are you on? XO, Dean.”
GOD: Dean , I loathe you, you retarded fuckstick. You have never once asked anything that even approaches a halfway intelligent question.
I am THE LORD ALMIGHTY you dipshit. Clearly I transcend time and space.
Lucifer: “God, can I get back into Heaven now?”
GOD: No. Don’t be stupid.
Yo Yo Ma Ma: “I see that thirteen people were injured in the running of the bulls in Spain. What are Your thoughts on this?”
GOD: Some time ago, I became bored and so decided to created humans who exist to entertain Me with hilarious deaths. These death-jesters of Mine are the people you see bungee-jumping, running from bulls and riding bicycles. Thanks for your question. I hope you gain as much enjoyment from watching them suffer as I do.
Ranting Student: “God, you rule the internet. Those greeks were boy lovers…what are your thoughts on the Romans though?”
GOD: They were alright I guess.
Pádraig: “LORD, I saw this biblical passage: ‘Better to sit on a corner of a roof, Than with a woman of contentions, and a house of company.’ -Proverbs 25:24. Could you please explain what this means?”
GOD: It is better to sit on the roof than be around your raging bitch of a wife when you have a party at your house.
MSchmahl: “I am a bit confused about how the not-killing thing works together with the not-suffering-a-witch-to-live thing, and stoning-anyone-who-works-on-Sunday thing, and the stoning-a-disobedient-child-before-the-whole-village thing. Did you mean “thou shalt not kill unless I say so?”
GOD: Yes mcshamahlshabab, you interpreted My Commandment correctly. Thou shalt not kill your fellow man without My Blessing.
Pemma: “Hey God. You claim to love us all so much. Where is evidence for that?”
GOD: First of all, I do not need to provide evidence or explain Myself! Secondly, I never claimed to love everyone so much. That is false. I do indeed love everyone, but to many varying degrees. I love only a lucky few so much. I keep them close to Me, and shower them with blessings as you do your close family. However, with most of the humans on Earth, I love them, but you know, only as much as you love your extended family, which is of course more of a polite, pretend kind of love.
Then there is everybody else, who I love very, very little. At some point you would call it hate, but what you fail to understand is that when I kill a sinner and damn them to hell, it is still Love – My Most Pure and Perfect Love in action. For example, just last week I finally had fat old atheist Agnes Cartwright, (age 79, of Freemont, MI) raped and buried alive in her vegetable garden. How is this love? While I punished her, I also spared her of another 10 years of elderly pain and misery. So you see that The Lord God gives mercy and love even to His enemies.
And if that doesn’t convince you, just look at that drawing of Me hugging that child. What more proof do you need?!
Ryan: “God, isn’t Christianity about forgiving?”
GOD: No. Who told you that?!
Judas Iscariot: “God-But you love us…..right?”
GOD: OF COURSE! Of course I love you! I love you all! You have no idea how much I love you!
Kraig: “God, I had a talk with my Uncle Rocco and Luka and they wanted to know if it was ok for you to accept 10% of the family run business in exchange for considerations on your part?”
GOD: Dear Kraig, please tell your Uncle Rocco and Luka that I will kindly accept their 10%, and in return I will consider not having them killed.
Josh: “God, how do You feel about people giving You lots of money then the pastors at these mega churches use it to buy bentley’s and private jets? I mean those televangelists are living off Your coin!”
GOD: Those pastors deserve the fruits of their hard work. They push, prod and guilt-trip people into honoring Me with their checkbooks. Anyway, I don’t care about money. I don’t need it! I just get a rush out of the respect and power involved in having people give you their money purely out of fear and love.
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, have You thought about another drug-fueled, blackout-inducing binge? I know You’re old hat at such things and You’ve ‘been there, done that’ but maybe it will help release some of this boredom You’ve built up.”
GOD: Believe Me, I think about it all the time. But I’m 10 days sober now and going strong. I have no desire to go back to the mistakes of My Past. No desire…whatsoever. No matter how super awesome it makes Me feel.