Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today’s Blessed Bible Verse is from the book of Malachi, chapter 3, verses 8 through 10:
8 Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, `How are we robbing thee?’ In your tithes and offerings.
9 You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me; the whole nation of you.
10 Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house; and thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you an overflowing blessing.
You know, foolish and utterly depraved humans always ask Me how I could let the world be so full of pain and misery. And before I smite them, I always tell them to go read the book of Malachi.
In this Divine Passage I believe I made My Feelings very clear. You are all fucked because you’re not paying Me nearly enough to keep things running smoothly.
You sinful people just can’t help from stealing MY CUT of the wealth I gave you. And so your nations are cursed by pestilence, war and rap music.
Do not act surprised. How can you greedy bastards expect Me to keep giving you My Protection if you can’t even provide Me with a measly ten percent of all your yearly earnings?!
You selfish puke-bags would be nothing without Me! You should be giving Me ALL your worldly possessions.
But what do you do instead? After I’ve given you everything you have, you go to church and put a whole five dollars in the collection plate and then act as if you’ve put in a lot. YOU FUCKING CHEAPSKATES ARE LUCKY I DON’T DISENTEGRATE YOU ON THE SPOT!
I swear, you people are such damn stingers these days that even with a packed Church of 400 people, I’m lucky if the day’s take exceeds a lousy thousand bucks.
And so I, The Almighty LORD, repeat: This world is cursed forever until you all start paying Me what I deserve.
However faithful reader, should you personally decide to meet My Tithing demands, I shall bless you with a beautiful room in My Heavenly Compound and many loving puppies to play with. Doesn’t that sound nice?
Go ahead, I dare you to put My Offer to the test. All you have to do is give all your money to the Church and then die and see what happens.
UPDATE: I now accept credit cards, debit cards and traveler’s checks.