Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Hello My children. It is currently Monday morning in the Universe and I, The Almighty God, am not looking forward to another damn 4-day week of watching over the lot of you.
Another week of listening to your stupid thoughts and prayers, judging you, welcoming the deserving into Heaven, damning the deserving into hell, watching you all while you poop and masturbate, and on and on and on. It’s always the same damn thing. Lately, even the thrill of smiting has started to dampen for Me.
You’re shocked, I know. But do try and understand Me, feeble mortal. Have you ever spent an afternoon stomping on ants? Or a week shooting people in Grand Theft Auto? Or a lifetime fucking the same damn person? Then you know that, as fun as it is, smiting heathen scum can get old sometimes.
I don’t know why I even work at all anymore. I guess I just feel obligated because I’ve taken so much vacation time off already in the last two thousand years. Like, remember how so many of My Jews got killed by the Nazis and stuff? Well, that only happened cause I was out of the office and on a raging gin/ether/heroin binge from the years of 1937-1951. Um…yeah. Sorry.
I’ll admit it – I’m in a rut. I didn’t use to feel this way. I used to look forward to My Work. I don’t know, maybe I need a challenge. But that’s not even possible, because everything is so damn easy for Me. I tell you human, I’m bored out of My Infinite Mind.
You’re probably wondering what I’m complaining about, right? I mean, thanks to the Muslims making their Holy Day on Friday, the Jews on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday, I have a three-day weekend every week.
I know how jealous you chumps are of this. And you should be – My Weekends are Glorious! I do love My Weekends. Like this last one I had was totally kick-ass. On Friday, Me and My best bud Gabriel did a whole bunch of this sweet weed laced with angel-dust he had and rode every rollercoaster in the world like 5 times. We had so much fun Gabriel puked his guts out. It was awesome. I used Saturday to recover and then on Sunday I had Audrey Hepburn blow Me all day while I ate an endless banana-split.
You’d think that would be enough to hold Me over till next weekend, but it’s so not. I’m telling you, Monday through Thursday are a fucking grind. I work round the clock during those days dealing with all the stupid human bullshit, and I just can’t take it anymore. I hate My Job, I hate My Obligations, I hate My Family and I HATE ALL OF YOU! ARGGHHH!
Holy fuck, I wish it was still the weekend.