Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In America, it is the 4th of July. This means that an imbecilic race of hot dog swallowers are out in force today savoring their supposed ‘freedom’ and ‘independence.’
I, The Almighty Lord, would like to take this day to talk about My Divine Hatred for freedom*, independence, and above all – what makes humans think they have a right to possess these things – democracy!
Let Me make this very clear – only I am allowed to be free! Only I may do whatever I want, whenever I want! You foolish mortals will never be free, no matter how much you try to convince yourselves otherwise.
Democracy is the dumbest form of government ever created by man, much dumber than all the others ever tried combined. It is an abomination!
It’s even more insulting to Me than communism! Sure, communists may discourage belief in Me, but at least they’re still ruled by one supreme dictator. This helps remind people that they must always obey their master or risk getting their hands cut off or their testicles pulled or worse. Psychologically, this sets them up well for a lifelong, totally unblinking commitment to Me.
I choose to talk about this on America’s ‘Independence’ Day, because the people who founded the ‘Land of Freedom’ were not Christians, they were ultra-liberal hipster-atheist zombie-faggots. Take this famous line from the Declaration of Stupidity:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
BULLSHIT! No where in My Book did I ever state that all men are entitled to life, liberty or the chance to chase happiness. On the contrary, I’m a fervent monarchist. This is why they call Me the ‘King of Kings,’ not the ‘King of Douchebag Presidents and Prime Minister Assholes.’ I also strongly endorse owning slaves (so long as you chop off their foreskins), and the execution of the wicked (so long as it’s public).
If history has blatantly proven anything, it’s that human beings should not be allowed to govern themselves. They are much too stupid.
And Americans are the best example of this idiocy. They and their government get dumber every day. In just 50 years, Americans will have completely reverted into a primitive race of drooling mongoloids. Even more so!
Anyone seen Idiocracy? No? Well, it’s a great example of what I’m talking about here; an atrocious and totally unfunny vision of things-to-come.
Like most of you, I don’t hate Americans per se (although they are dumb, fat, ugly, vile consumer pig-robots (or as I call them, dumfugvilpigbots)), just the American government. They claim to love Me, but they are liars and are just using Me to trick you. Why else would they put My Name on all their money, and in the national anthem, and in the pledge of allegiance, but NOT on Mt. Rushmore? There is only one answer: they are bloodsucking atheist zombies bent on spreading the plague of democracy all over the world.
This is why I, The Almighty Lord, have resolved to solve this issue permanently. I have entered Myself on the ballot of every democratic election in every country for every possible office. I have unlimited campaign funds and a great stump speech. Barring no unforeseen setbacks or personal attacks, I will soon win every democratically held office in the world and be in complete control over all of your minds once again. In the interim, don’t believe anything the liberal-heathen-run media tells you.
*More like free-dumb.