Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Greetings, My humble human readers. Today I will take a break from My Hatred Therapy because, well, I just can’t hate on anything right now. I’m feeling positively providential this week.
My continuous smiting of Asians, Africans and Atheists is going splendidly, and I am happy to report that those heathen bastards are dying off in record numbers! Also, I saw this:
According to the story, there will be thousands (if not millions) of My Followers who will honor Me by blowing on giant goat horns at dawn! This is The Lord’s very favorite kind of music! And using the Ancient Ways is a nice touch – this pleases Me greatly. I can only assume that they will also be sacrificing some virgins, goats, and enemy slaves in My Honor as well. And, of course, their leader will prove his faithfulness to Me through self-immolation (so I know he’s not just seeking personal glory).
This will be a wonderful event. However, it really irks Me that they always seem to market these things as a way to praise Jesus. Why does he always receive all the honor and glory? He wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Me. Well, he is Me, and I am him. But still, you know what I mean. People never pay homage to Me, God the Father, anymore. It’s almost like they’re ashamed of Me or something.
Well, all I know (besides everything), is that if they hope to keep their lives, they had damn well better practice their goat-horn playing. Because they suck.
Ah well. I’m looking forward to some special worship regardless. And I wish to commend Pastor Mark for starting this. As My super-cool follower Trevia Jimenez of Brooklyn said, “You go, Pastor Mark!” Go and light yourself on fire.
Many blessings go to Saint Onan for sending Me this link.