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Archive for July, 2008

#37 NASA

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

This week marks the 50th anniversary of NASA, and so I, THE LORD, have decided to talk about My 50-years-old grudge against NASA, or as I like to call it, The National Atheism and Science Administration.

I hate NASA! It is a snakepit of incestuous heathens who wouldn’t know Me if I crawled down their throats and burst out their bellies in a flash of blood and guts.

As I have discussed before, I have a deep and abiding hate for science, and NASA is nothing but a group of science twitpigs who take pride only in knowing and making more damned science.

What are they trying to prove? Why do humans need to explore outer space? Have I not provided you with all that you need and more on planet Earth?!

The only reasons I can surmise is that you villainous worms are either trying to find My Heavenly Lair (which you will never find in outer space), or you are trying to find all the other intelligent life I have created.

I cannot and I will not allow this to happen. If My human followers were to suddenly find out that I’ve created thousands of other worlds and been cheating on them with several different and very attractive alien species, the consequences to My Image would be catastrophic. Humans would never trust Me again.

And so I have thwarted NASA’s efforts and smote them repeatedly over the last 50 years. Every mechanical failure and difficulty NASA has had was due to My Divine Sabotage. In fact, in 50 years they never had one spaceship launch that wasn’t delayed at least 10 times thanks to Me. Unfortunately, most of the time they would find and fix everything I did and their stupid space flight would go fine.

Of course, this just made Me want to blow up those shuttles even more. And I’m proud to report…I did! You may not have heard about it, as it was boring NASA news, but on two occasions I completely obliterated NASA space shuttles out of the sky. It’s true!

My proudest smiting was that one shuttle I blew up in the 80’s…what was it called again? You know, the one with that dumb woman teacher they blamed the crash on. CHALLENGER! That’s it. I remember now, because it was like they were taunting Me, just challenging Me to destroy it. Man that was sweet.

Naturally, these smitings had the exact effect I had planned. Humans continued to lose their faith in those cross-dressing science-loving drunkards until they grounded the shuttle program forever. And so, after a mere 50 years of battle, today I declare Myself the Victor. Suck it NASA!

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Ask God: July

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

STUPID QUESTIONS

QUESTION #1:

Susan Lange: “I would like to greet you but I am not getting words to greet you. It is a great gift for the people. Reading this bible inspires me, thought I have read many versions of bibles but did not get the answers of the questions which arise in my mind. God is an incredible word which is not having its exact meaning. I made the bible search , but did not get the exact meaning of God. You are the person who gives the answer to the question that what is God?”

GOD: Yes Susan. I am The Lord God Almighty. Did you even read The Bible? I’m on every page. If you did and you don’t know who I am by now, then you will never know. Also, learn to speak English and not be dumb anymore.

QUESTION #2:

Dean: “Lord, what time zone are you on? XO, Dean.”

GOD: Dean , I loathe you, you retarded fuckstick. You have never once asked anything that even approaches a halfway intelligent question.

I am THE LORD ALMIGHTY you dipshit. Clearly I transcend time and space.

QUESTION #3:

Lucifer: “God, can I get back into Heaven now?”

GOD: No. Don’t be stupid.

VALID QUESTIONS

QUESTION #4:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: “I see that thirteen people were injured in the running of the bulls in Spain. What are Your thoughts on this?”

GOD: Some time ago, I became bored and so decided to created humans who exist to entertain Me with hilarious deaths. These death-jesters of Mine are the people you see bungee-jumping, running from bulls and riding bicycles. Thanks for your question. I hope you gain as much enjoyment from watching them suffer as I do.

QUESTION #5:

Ranting Student: “God, you rule the internet. Those greeks were boy lovers…what are your thoughts on the Romans though?”

GOD: They were alright I guess.

QUESTION #6:

Pádraig: “LORD, I saw this biblical passage: ‘Better to sit on a corner of a roof, Than with a woman of contentions, and a house of company.’ -Proverbs 25:24. Could you please explain what this means?”

GOD: It is better to sit on the roof than be around your raging bitch of a wife when you have a party at your house.

KILLING/LOVE

QUESTION #7:

MSchmahl: “I am a bit confused about how the not-killing thing works together with the not-suffering-a-witch-to-live thing, and stoning-anyone-who-works-on-Sunday thing, and the stoning-a-disobedient-child-before-the-whole-village thing. Did you mean “thou shalt not kill unless I say so?”

GOD: Yes mcshamahlshabab, you interpreted My Commandment correctly. Thou shalt not kill your fellow man without My Blessing.

QUESTION #8:

Pemma: “Hey God. You claim to love us all so much. Where is evidence for that?”

GOD: First of all, I do not need to provide evidence or explain Myself! Secondly, I never claimed to love everyone so much. That is false. I do indeed love everyone, but to many varying degrees. I love only a lucky few so much. I keep them close to Me, and shower them with blessings as you do your close family. However, with most of the humans on Earth, I love them, but you know, only as much as you love your extended family, which is of course more of a polite, pretend kind of love.

Then there is everybody else, who I love very, very little. At some point you would call it hate, but what you fail to understand is that when I kill a sinner and damn them to hell, it is still Love – My Most Pure and Perfect Love in action. For example, just last week I finally had fat old atheist Agnes Cartwright, (age 79, of Freemont, MI) raped and buried alive in her vegetable garden. How is this love? While I punished her, I also spared her of another 10 years of elderly pain and misery. So you see that The Lord God gives mercy and love even to His enemies.

And if that doesn’t convince you, just look at that drawing of Me hugging that child. What more proof do you need?!

QUESTION #9:

Ryan: “God, isn’t Christianity about forgiving?”

GOD: No. Who told you that?!

QUESTION #10:

Judas Iscariot: “God-But you love us…..right?”

GOD: OF COURSE! Of course I love you! I love you all! You have no idea how much I love you!

MONEY

QUESTION #11:

Kraig: “God, I had a talk with my Uncle Rocco and Luka and they wanted to know if it was ok for you to accept 10% of the family run business in exchange for considerations on your part?”

GOD: Dear Kraig, please tell your Uncle Rocco and Luka that I will kindly accept their 10%, and in return I will consider not having them killed.

QUESTION #12:

Josh: “God, how do You feel about people giving You lots of money then the pastors at these mega churches use it to buy bentley’s and private jets? I mean those televangelists are living off Your coin!”

GOD: Those pastors deserve the fruits of their hard work. They push, prod and guilt-trip people into honoring Me with their checkbooks. Anyway, I don’t care about money. I don’t need it! I just get a rush out of the respect and power involved in having people give you their money purely out of fear and love.

DRUGS

QUESTION #13:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, have You thought about another drug-fueled, blackout-inducing binge? I know You’re old hat at such things and You’ve ‘been there, done that’ but maybe it will help release some of this boredom You’ve built up.”

GOD: Believe Me, I think about it all the time. But I’m 10 days sober now and going strong. I have no desire to go back to the mistakes of My Past. No desire…whatsoever. No matter how super awesome it makes Me feel.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today’s Blessed Bible Verse is from the book of Malachi, chapter 3, verses 8 through 10:

8 Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, `How are we robbing thee?’ In your tithes and offerings.
9 You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me; the whole nation of you.
10 Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house; and thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you an overflowing blessing.

You know, foolish and utterly depraved humans always ask Me how I could let the world be so full of pain and misery. And before I smite them, I always tell them to go read the book of Malachi.

In this Divine Passage I believe I made My Feelings very clear. You are all fucked because you’re not paying Me nearly enough to keep things running smoothly.

You sinful people just can’t help from stealing MY CUT of the wealth I gave you. And so your nations are cursed by pestilence, war and rap music.

Do not act surprised. How can you greedy bastards expect Me to keep giving you My Protection if you can’t even provide Me with a measly ten percent of all your yearly earnings?!

You selfish puke-bags would be nothing without Me! You should be giving Me ALL your worldly possessions.

But what do you do instead? After I’ve given you everything you have, you go to church and put a whole five dollars in the collection plate and then act as if you’ve put in a lot. YOU FUCKING CHEAPSKATES ARE LUCKY I DON’T DISENTEGRATE YOU ON THE SPOT!

I swear, you people are such damn stingers these days that even with a packed Church of 400 people, I’m lucky if the day’s take exceeds a lousy thousand bucks.

And so I, The Almighty LORD, repeat: This world is cursed forever until you all start paying Me what I deserve.

However faithful reader, should you personally decide to meet My Tithing demands, I shall bless you with a beautiful room in My Heavenly Compound and many loving puppies to play with. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Go ahead, I dare you to put My Offer to the test. All you have to do is give all your money to the Church and then die and see what happens.

UPDATE: I now accept credit cards, debit cards and traveler’s checks.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Before I head out for another Glorious Day of Omnipotent Smiting, I have to comment on this news story I saw this morning.

Patrick Swayze Calls His Recovery a ‘Miracle’

Bullshit! Your recovery is no miracle Patrick. I hate you more than ever you self-absorbed shirt-lifter, and your smiting is going exactly as planned. I have merely let you temporarily recover from your cancer so as to get your hopes up, only so that when I dash them again it will be that much more crushing! HAHAHAHAHA!

Newsflash dipshit! Your TV show will fail! Then the IRS will discover a discrepancy and seize all your assets! Your formerly loving wife will be revealed to be a gold-digger and leave you for some European! And then Patrick, penniless and alone, your pancreatic cancer will return with a vengeance! But wait it gets better! You will die but the news coverage of your death will be pathetic and short-lived because I will have Beyoncé die in a tragic treadmill accident the very same day! HAHAHAHA!

And then after all that, you still have an eternity in hell with the burning and the torture and the demon-rape. This is what you get for not being grateful enough for all the success and blessings I bestowed upon you Swayze!

I am the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. I giveth, and then I taketh away!

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#36 The Holy Spirit

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I am going to do something I should have done a long time ago – denounce the Holy Spirit and cast him out of the Trinity forever!

Do you hear Me, Spirit? Forthwith, consider the Trinity you, Me and Jesus shared for 6,000 years completely and utterly dissolved! I do this because you’re an irritating ugly douche and I hate your stupid guts! You are such a fucking retard!

There, I said it. Finally.

Don’t act all surprised either, Spirit. This has been building for a while.

For one thing, you’ve never done anything to deserve being a full partner with Me and Jesus. We don’t need you, ok? We never did.

Honestly, what the frig did you ever do to deserve your place in the Trinity? Relay messages for Me? Kill people? You were always nothing more than a glorified errand-boy.

Nobody I know has ever liked you or cared about you, and with good reason. You’re not funny, you’re not likable, you’re just not anything. You have zero personality. You could vanish into thin air and no one would ever notice or care.

Yet despite all your flaws, I was willing to let it slide. Best to let it be I said. But then you just had to come around here and post a slew of annoying and idiotic comments on My Holy and Divine Blog. This I do not forgive!

Spirit, you are hereby stripped of all your Awesome Smiting Powers and reduced to being a mere gust of wind. You will henceforth travel the Earth for the rest of time, finding and seeking nothing, with no effect on anything at all. This is your punishment. From omnipotence to impotence! Suffer fucker! Suffer!

Note: We are seeking a new person to fill a recently opened position in The Trinity. All interested parties please respond with a resume and smiting qualifications. Suggestions/nominations also welcome.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I give you all a great gift – a brand new and what I plan to be regular feature of My Divine Blog, “God on the Bible.” As I consider you humans to be inestimably dense, let Me explain; in this space I will discuss Bible verses I have selected.

Today’s Bible Verse:

“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16

This is without question the very best Bible verse I ever wrote. It captures everything humans need know about Me in one perfect and divine sentence. And that is this; do not fricking disrespect Me! If you do I shall either kill you or arrange to have you killed.

Moreover, I describe how I want My Flock to put sinners to death – by throwing rocks of various sizes at them until they have died a painful death. If only I had been this specific throughout the rest of My Book.

I do love a good stoning. The painting at the top of this post honors the best one I’ve ever seen – the stoning of the despicable ‘Saint Stephen.’ Ordered to be killed for his blasphemy by the noble Saint Paul, ‘Saint Stephen’ took his stoning like a little bitch. I make sure to watch the tape of this at least once a month for a good laugh.

Yet, despite My Clear instructions of what to do to those who blaspheme My Name, I see far too few stonings these days. It seems the only nations who truly honor Me anymore are all Muslim. Christians, why can’t you be more like the Muslims? Sure, there are good public stonings in South USA from time to time, but that hardly counts. I want to see passionate and publicly condoned stonings of the wicked in the streets of London, Paris, New York, and San Francisco. Wouldn’t that be grand? Until then I will have no choice but to continue to smite you all one by one.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello My children. It is currently Monday morning in the Universe and I, The Almighty God, am not looking forward to another damn 4-day week of watching over the lot of you.

Another week of listening to your stupid thoughts and prayers, judging you, welcoming the deserving into Heaven, damning the deserving into hell, watching you all while you poop and masturbate, and on and on and on. It’s always the same damn thing. Lately, even the thrill of smiting has started to dampen for Me.

You’re shocked, I know. But do try and understand Me, feeble mortal. Have you ever spent an afternoon stomping on ants? Or a week shooting people in Grand Theft Auto? Or a lifetime fucking the same damn person? Then you know that, as fun as it is, smiting heathen scum can get old sometimes.

I don’t know why I even work at all anymore. I guess I just feel obligated because I’ve taken so much vacation time off already in the last two thousand years. Like, remember how so many of My Jews got killed by the Nazis and stuff? Well, that only happened cause I was out of the office and on a raging gin/ether/heroin binge from the years of 1937-1951. Um…yeah. Sorry.

I’ll admit it – I’m in a rut. I didn’t use to feel this way. I used to look forward to My Work. I don’t know, maybe I need a challenge. But that’s not even possible, because everything is so damn easy for Me. I tell you human, I’m bored out of My Infinite Mind.

You’re probably wondering what I’m complaining about, right? I mean, thanks to the Muslims making their Holy Day on Friday, the Jews on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday, I have a three-day weekend every week.

I know how jealous you chumps are of this. And you should be – My Weekends are Glorious! I do love My Weekends. Like this last one I had was totally kick-ass. On Friday, Me and My best bud Gabriel did a whole bunch of this sweet weed laced with angel-dust he had and rode every rollercoaster in the world like 5 times. We had so much fun Gabriel puked his guts out. It was awesome. I used Saturday to recover and then on Sunday I had Audrey Hepburn blow Me all day while I ate an endless banana-split.

You’d think that would be enough to hold Me over till next weekend, but it’s so not. I’m telling you, Monday through Thursday are a fucking grind. I work round the clock during those days dealing with all the stupid human bullshit, and I just can’t take it anymore. I hate My Job, I hate My Obligations, I hate My Family and I HATE ALL OF YOU! ARGGHHH!

……

Holy fuck, I wish it was still the weekend.

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