In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Reg: “Dear God, I’m afflicted by an unsightly and growing bald patch and I have bad acne. Can you help?”
GOD: No. If you are bald or unsightly it is purely because your constant embarrassment amuses Me.
Project Openletter: “God, how do you feel about Bob Dylan?”
GOD: He’s been dead for 35 years – I smote him with a drug overdose long ago. That prick Satanus has been propping his hippie husk up for use in his nefarious schemes ever since.
Tom: “God, are you ticklish?”
GOD: Wow Tom. What an idiotically insolent question. You will regret this!
Cooper: “God, is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?”
GOD: Shut up, Cooper.
Alex P. Keaton: “God, is it okay to beat the wife?”
GOD: It’s not only ok, I highly encourage it! It’s a great way to relieve stress, plus you get a really great workout.
JimmyNoEmail: “God, how do you decipher mumbled/jibberish prayers?”
GOD: I read minds dipshit. Geez, why can’t you stupid mortals think for even a couple of seconds before wasting My Precious time with your stupid questions?
André: “God, since You are omniscient, I’ll make my question in portuguese, because I’m brazilian and that’s my natural language – probably this is not problem to You: Por que você criou as coisas que odeia?”
GOD: Hoho, no is not problem to Me. You asked: “Why did you make the things you hate?” Because I didn’t know I was going to hate them so much later when I first made them. It’s easy to love a new baby I create – until that baby grows up to be a douchey atheist bloodsucker like you.
D Hue: “God, how do feel about Santa Clause? Isn’t he kinda stealing your thunder?”
GOD: I hate him! He is a fat demonic piece of shit who ruins My Son’s birthday every year with his disgusting materialism. Also, kids first learn disillusionment when they learn that he is not real. Oftentimes this distrust fosters atheism in their later years.
Josh: “God, what’s Your view on the priest who molest children?”
GOD: They are My Faithful servants and they deserve a little fun in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, they can fellate as many choirboys as they like.
Uppity Cracka: “God, are Christians allowed to stone people to death on the sabbath?”
GOD: Yes, of course! While any day is a great day for a stoning, I truly love a good Sabbath Stoning. Nothing makes Me Happier on My Day off than to see a blasphemer’s bloodied and broken body lying in the town square.
Yo Yo Ma Ma: “Hey God; I spent Sunday morning outside a local church, waving at drivers, trying to get them to come to church. If they drove past, I pelted them with rocks and garbage. Does this me earn any points on my Get Out Of Hell card?”
GOD: I’m not sure what you are referring to with your ‘get out of hell’ card, as there is no such device. But yes, this does please Me some. However, in your case you are going to have to do a lot more than that to win Me back. Next time put an orange cone in the road and stand behind it with a rocket launcher and a sign telling them to “Go to church!” with an arrow pointed to the parking lot. That ought to get the message across.
Weirdo Chris: “What can I do to be a better slave for you? Any tips?”
GOD: Worship Me more often. Any free time you have when you are not working or sleeping, you should have your head bowed in prayer and you should be whipping yourself for being a bad person. This pleases Me. Also, you need to give Me more money.
Jared: “God, how come you favor the Jews over everyone else? Doesn’t that make you a racist?”
GOD: No, that just makes Me pro-Semite. Besides, I favor them because they are so funny and they have awesome hair and their basketball H-O-R-S-E skills are beyond reproach. Also, I promised My old friend Abraham to look after them and keep them safe forever. How would it look if I broke My Promises? I would look like a real jerk, that’s what.
Bloodvork: “God, what happened to the Jews in Egypt who didn’t get the memo that they had to put lamb’s blood on their door to save their children from The Holy Spirit? Wark.”
GOD: The Holy Spirit killed them along with the rest of the dirty Egyptian scum. It’s not My fault they didn’t get the memo. Maybe they should have been a little more involved in the Jewish community, hmm??
Richard Dawkins: “Does God worship anyone greater than himself? How can he not be an atheist?”
GOD: No, what a ridiculous notion. There is none greater than Me. I have no need to worship anyone, including Myself. How can I not believe in My own existence? You are trying to sound clever but instead you sound retarded.
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Are You sure You exist?”
GOD: OF COURSE! Are you sure you exist?!
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, about Carlos Mencia … whose diseased cock did he suck to get the gig he’s got?”
GOD: President of MTV Networks Doug Herzog.
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Thinking of the loss of George Carlin brings only one thought to mind….WHY, GOD? WHY???”
GOD: What do you want from Me? He was old and had heart problems, ok? He also snorted a lot of cocaine in his day. It’s a miracle I could keep him alive and entertaining you for this long. But don’t worry, he’s not in hell as Satanus would have you believe. He’s up here with Me in Heaven. He looks really surprised. I know he was a staunch atheist his whole life, but he really makes Me laugh. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about being here at first (as everyone he was ever friends with is in hell and he’s surrounded by Bible-thumping Christians), but I brought up some of his pals from hell on his behalf and gave them a mountain of blow to do and everything else they could ever want. I also reunited Georgie with his first wife and his beloved dog Tippy. He’s adjusting well and has already started work on a new book of his observations and musings on Heaven.
Bonogamy: “Dear God, who the hell do you think you are?”
GOD: I am the Almighty Lord your God! I can say and do whatever I like so you can just suck a rotten egg and shut your mouth you weak heathen dope! I respect your balls in asking such a question, but nevertheless your insolence will not go unpunished. I can assure you of that.
Rev. BigDumbChimp: “God, why are you always so grumpy? Do you need a hug?”
GOD: No! Of course not. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody! You people make Me so angry with your stupid questions and your stupid prayers and your stupid everything. Try as I might, I honestly just don’t give a shit any more. About any of you. Prepare yourselves – the end is near!