I am the Lord Almighty; I am the Light of the World and The Ultimate Goodness; more Perfect than your feeble human brain could ever conceive; I made the world and all the creatures in it; I have watched over, loved and protected you all of your life.
Yet despite all that I have done for each and every one of you, there are still some humans who have the effrontery to not even believe in Me! In the parlance of modern times, these ‘people’ are called atheists, but to me they are just demonic zombie heathen scum that are best dispatched with a shotgun round to the head.
Satanic atheist creatures of the night have no morals and cannot be trusted. They break into Christian homes at night. They perform abortions on unwilling pregnant mothers and then eat the aborted babies.
Because they do not believeth in Me or My 10 Commandments, by default, they embrace evil. These atheist cannibal monsters believe that if you can get away with it, it must be ok. They regularly burn down churches, rape the retarded, rob the elderly, murder the suicidal, torture the crippled, kidnap the poor, lie, cheat and do drugs. And when they run out of dead babies to eat, they turn on each other for sustenance.
Without My Ultimate and Perfect Moral Authority governing their minds, these former humans commit all manner of atrocity. Some of the most evil people in the history of the world were devout atheists: Adolph Hitler, Joey Stalin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Charles Darwin, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, John Lennon – need I go on? Take a good, long look at that list. Easily some of the most despicable wretches to ever walk the face of My green earth.
This barely needs pointing out, but no one who ever believethed in Me and had morals ever committed evil of any kind. Go ahead and investigate yourself. Search the internet. Ask a friend. Open up the encyclopedia if you have to. There has never once been one recorded instance in the history of humanity of a devout Christian, Jew or Muslim committing an evil deed. Not once!
Also, unlike My Followers (who are decent people who fear Me and just try to raise their families and live a good life), drug-addled atheist savages are universally arrogant pricks who force their idiotic non-beliefs down other people’s throats without provocation. Alas, if only My People were as self-righteous and condescending as atheists are, there would be no atheist serpents left.
These atheist fiends are merely servants of the dark one, Satanus*. As he instructs them to do, they commit the most evil act of all by continually pestering My Followers with logic-based questions. Why must they do this?!
Do they not see the proof of My Existence all around them? In the beautiful sky and land? In the birds that flutter in the summer air? Or in the perfect breasts of a maiden fair? As any fool knows, something cannot come from nothing. Just as a house is made by a carpenter, I made the world. To this the atheist says; “then who made you God?” To which I reply, “MY PARENTS, DINGUS!”
The atheist cretin tries to pin all the evil in the world wrought by Satanus on Me. The dark lord has mighty powers too, powers that I struggle everyday to contend with. Just recently Satanus made a plane crash into a field, killing 143 passengers and crew. I managed to save one child with only third-degree burns and a couple of lost limbs. But do I get any credit for My Heroics? No! Of course not. I just get blamed for the crash.
I tell you, those baby-raping atheist vampires direct their hatred toward Me nonstop. More than anything, this greatly saddens Me. How could you heathen scum do this to Me? I am The Almighty God and I LOVE YOU! I love and care for you so much it makes My Heart ache sometimes. I even gave up My Only Son, and let him die horribly, all to save your wicked soul from Satanus. And this is how you repay Me?! By saying I don’t even exist?! How could you be so cruel?!
Well, I just hope all you atheists out there change your mind. If you do, I can promise you an eternity spent in Heaven with Me, eating all the most delicious foods and yum-yum ice-creams you’ve ever wanted and meeting all the coolest people who ever existed, as well as anything else your little heart desires.
Because you know, even if you atheists were right, which you most certainly are not, what would you gain from not believingeth in Me? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. A lifetime spent in cynicism and a sad, devoted worship of nerds who wear lab coats for a living. Oh, and did I mention an eternity burning in the lake of fire whilst getting raped by burly demons? That’s what awaits. I assure you, every atheist bitterly regrets their mistake as soon as they die.
But anyway, all this arguing tires Me out.
I am the Lord Almighty, and I exist. That is all you need know.
*I prefer the Latin word ‘Satanus’ because it keeps anus in his name.