Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
As surely as I am the Almighty LORD your God, the One who restored the boundaries of Israel from Lebo Hamath to the Sea of the Arabah, and the One who makes you get up early on Sunday, I command you now to read My Words with reverence and solicitude!
Today in My Hatred Therapy, I wish to rage on something I hate so much I never, ever – EVER – do it. And that is to speak in public to a large group of people.
Do not dare suggest that this is only because I am afraid to do so, mortal! I would dash out your eyes with a stapler…and rip out your tongue with a stapler were you to speak such horrid blasphemies. I am all-powerful and fear nothing!
However, I am also all-knowing, and as such this makes it almost impossible for Me to stand in front of a group of sinners and not smite them all into dust. You humans detest public speaking only because you imagine all the nasty things people are thinking about you. Well, I actually hear what people are thinking! For example, they think you’re unattractive and a poor speaker and your head is misshapen. I already know what people would think about Me:
“Oh goody! I’ve got so many questions to ask Him!”
“Why doesn’t He make some miracles already and prove He’s God?”
“Speak louder so the back can hear!”
And so on and so forth. I tell you human, speaking in front of a group of despicable, rat-filth humans is infuriating. This is one of the major reasons I chose to speak to the world again via blog. Why would I deign to speak to the throngs of humanity publicly? It would severely tarnish My Mysterious Almighty Image were I to ever do Letterman or Leno.
Moreover, you people have not earned the right to gaze upon my radiance! You must worship Me your whole life and then die first. Besides, if you were to ever gaze upon My Gloriously Handsome Visage (even for an instant), your face would melt. For an example of this, take a look at what I did to those Nazis when they raided My Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
But even if I used My Infinite Power to make sure none of the humans melted when I spoke to them in public, what if somebody were to cough or sneeze while I was speaking? I would have no choice but to smite that person harshly, and people don’t like it when you kill people in front of other people. To them, it smacks of arrogance. I tend to agree – public killings are no good. That’s why I like to kill from afar, like the Air Force. People don’t care as much when you do it that way. Seems less personal.
Anyway, public speaking is strictly for suckers. This is why I only talk to one guy at a time, usually when he’s alone in the forest or out foraging for goats on a mountaintop. I mostly like to talk to friendless men who are like Me; that is, guys with long flowing beards who possess a fanatical attention to detail and a rifle of some kind. These courageous Christian soldiers need a fervent mind so they can remember everything I tell them, and a heart on fire to get My Message out to the masses. I never speak to women, if I can help it.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.