Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, Master of All That Is and All That Ever Will Be, wish to talk about My Supreme disdain for the fat people of My world.
Foolish mortal! Do not lie to Me or to yourself. You seem to forget that I have read every thought you have ever had, including those you are having right now as you read this. Some of you are fat apologists who claim that you don’t hate fat people, and that you are not shallow, and that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And while this is true – if you are a glutton on the inside you are a fatty pig fatty on the outside – you are still blatantly breaking the 9th commandment if you deny your disgust for fat people. Everyone hates the fat.
I hate them. You hate them. They hate themselves.
And well we should! I assure you mortal; you need not be ashamed of your loathing for the chunky manatees you see all around you. The overweight deserve every last ounce of contempt and ridicule you can muster.
Much like you, I hate fat people because they are fat. If they were thin, or average, or even only just a little chubby, I probably wouldn’t hate them. Well, not as much anyway.
I have to listen to those gluttons cry and whine and wail while they stuff their fat faces with cupcakes and other assorted pastries. And then they have the audacity to pray to Me to help them lose weight~! You can’t pray it off chubbasaurus. You have to work hard if you want to lose weight and earn My Divine Respect.
Very few fat people ever become real people because fat people are inherently lazy. Weak, jealous, mean and envious to the core; acting jolly is just their way of getting you to drop your guard so they can take your food. Humorous distraction is an oft used method the fat use to steal your French fries.
Fat people steal food, but they kill people too. First and foremost, they hog the food that could be going to feed all the starving people of the world not living in Africa. They also murder good-looking thinners in countless other ways. I see it every day. For example, I have lost many a faithful servant in elevator-crashes caused by the elephant-people.
But far worse than the theft and the murder, is when fat people are also somehow extremely vain. This is especially common amongst fat females. And the only thing worse than a woman, is a fat woman who thinks she’s sexy. Quite frankly, it infuriates and confuses Me. It boggles My Eternal Mind to contemplate how these hideous land-masses could possibly consider themselves fattractive. They are not, of course; they are merely fat-pigs living in fat-pig denial.
By their greed and their laziness, fat people have earned their derision and banishment from society and from Heaven. Just as a rich man will find it easier to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven, a fat man will find it easier to fit into an airplane seat than get into Heaven.
If you are reading this and you are a great big fat-ass and are worried about your looming future in hell, all I can tell you is: try putting down the fork for once and give jogging a try. FACE!