Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace, The Lord of Lords and The King of Kings: Jesus The Christ.
Hello My Children! I am greatly pleased to speak with you today.
First, you are likely wondering where My Father is and why I am posting on His Blog. Ha! Curious human. You are like a man, who, upon being given a glorious barrel of watermelons, first asks what supermarket it came from. The man asked and asked, and then before he knew it another man came and stole his melons. Hear Me now, for I bring you wisdom more precious than any melon!
But I can tell you are still very curious, so I will tell you. I was looking for My 14k White Gold Pavé Diamond Cross Necklace tonight when I found something very interesting in My Father’s private office. His computer was on and his browser was open to wordpress.com. I noticed that there was text entered into the username and password field, so I (very innocently) pressed the ‘login’ button. To My great surprise, I found a link to this blog.
After reading only four or five posts, I was left shaken and disgusted. The post about My Mother in particular deeply offended and saddened Me. The cursing! The shouting! The blind rage! On behalf of Me and My whole family, I would like to sincerely apologize.
I am now seriously concerned for My Father’s mental health. I had no idea He had so many anger issues. And it’s so strange, cause He doesn’t act like this around Heaven at all.
Anyway, to make Myself feel better, I thought I’d post something while I was here, as is My Divine Right. After all, I’m God too.
Now I couldn’t really think of something I hate, but I was able to think of something that really irritated Me while I was on Earth. Sandals!
I wore sandals My whole life, and I always found them extremely uncomfortable. We didn’t have socks back then to cushion your feet, and the quality of the sandals was much less than now. It was pretty much a piece of wood tied to some rope straps.
Maybe how I feel about sandals can best be expressed by one of My Famous parables:
No wise man wears sandals. If he does, he will lose his feet to frostbite in the winter, and not be able to walk because of blisters in the summer. And that would make him a fool.
Sorry, that was terrible. It’s been a while since I’ve made any parables, so I guess I’m pretty rusty.
Well the point is, maybe if I hadn’t been wearing such painful, feet-numbing sandals, I might’ve had a chance at running away when the Romans came to arrest Me. I mean, I was in great shape. If I’d just had a pair of Nike Air Max Assault 12 Men’s Trail Running Shoes, complete with Nike Elite Structure Cushioned Low Cut Running Socks, I could’ve run like the wind and lived to preach the gospel for like another solid 30-40 years, and who knows? Maybe settled down with Mary Magdalene and had a couple kids of My Own. Ah well, I guess it all worked out for the best anyway.
Gotta go, I think I hear My Dad. Peace be with you!