Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I would like to talk about My Newfound Hatred for the boy scouts.
You see, I used to love them…but now I have to kill them. The scouts used to love and honor Me, but I have decided that they are now nothing but a coven of blasphemous, science-loving tree-fairies.
I just happened to be surfing the internets last week and stumble upon their Wikipedia page, where I learned some things that made Me quite angry. For one, did you know they no longer encourage scouts to practice their tomahawk-throwing skills on kids with down syndrome? It’s true! And did you also know that women are now allowed to be scout leaders?! Seriously human, when I heard that, I came this close to tossing the Chief Scout Executive off a cliff.
However, as you are well aware, I am a loving God, and so I took mercy on him.
I decided instead to show My Displeasure by using My Awesome Tornado Power to kill several hundred boy scouts while they were out camping.
Boom! Kapow! How ya like Me now?!
Ok, ok. I may have exaggerated a bit just then. By My count (don’t trust the media) I only killed like 50. But whatever, any way you slice it I’m still off to a great start.
Let this serve as a warning to you, Boy Scouts of America. You sowed the wind, and now you reap the whirlwind. You have sinned against Me, and so I will continue to smite you until you have filled My List of Ten Demandments:
1. No women scout leaders.
2. Find one way to tie a knot and stick with it. Your pompous pride in your ability to tie silly knots infuriates Me.
3. Eliminate all the merit badges related to science. This includes the merit badges for: chemistry, computers, electricity, electronics, energy, nuclear science, and space exploration.
4. There will be several new badges related to serving Me: worship, devotion, faith, tithing, indignation, baptizing, smiting, etc.
5. Eliminate the merit badge for critical thinking and dismember any scout who already has this badge.
6. Scouts are no longer allowed to show up in court dressed in their uniform.
7. Change the uniforms. You look like nerds and idiots at the same time, and that’s not an easy look to achieve.
8. Scouts must believe in Me, and only Me. (Yahweh)
9. Cookies and punch must be served at the end of every meeting.
10. BE MORE RACIST!
I feel extremely passionate about all of My Ten Demandments, and will continue to smite boy scouts until they are all met. However, My most important demandment is that the Boy Scouts of America become a great deal more racist. They’re not nearly prejudiced enough.
Oh sure, the BSA still excludes atheist scum, agnostic cowards and anal lovers from joining their ranks. But that doesn’t impress Me. Everyone excludes them.
I mean, they used to be so much more racist! It was great. Why, I remember a time not that long ago when being a boy scout required you to have white skin and plump, rosy red cheeks. Man, those were the days. I’m telling you, back then, they didn’t even allow spaghetti-eating wops.
Nowadays though, they’ll let anybody in. All they have to do is (claim to) believe in a God of some kind. They don’t even have to believe in Me! How dare they?!
Well, they will learn to respect Me, the Lord God Almighty, or they will suffer the consequences. They will meet my list of demandments or they will die.
Be prepared is the boy scout motto…HA! There is no preparing for ME boy scum!