Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this, the 25th entry of My Hatred Therapy, I, The Almighty Lord your God, feel that I have finally made a breakthrough. I think I’ve discovered one of the biggest inciting, underlying core issues at the very root of My Eternal Unhappiness…too many questions!
Here’s the thing, I really hate it when people ask too many questions, ok? How dare you people ask so many questions? Could you please stop?! Please, it’s enough already.
Don’t get Me wrong, I don’t hate all questions, per se. There are good questions and bad questions. Good questions are ones like: “What have I done for God lately?” or “How can I be a better slave for God?”
Bad questions are pretty much everything else.
You know, I try to be nice. I go out of My way to be the same old loving God you’ve always known. And what do I get in return? Nothing but insulting, insane, idiotic, catch-22 style questions pelted at Me left and right!
People ask Me infuriating questions like: “Hey God, how can free will be real if you’re all-knowing?” BECAUSE! Just because, ok?! They both exist at the same time. Just accept it and have some faith you charlatan!
Another question I hate: “Um God, could you make a rock so big you couldn’t lift it? And if not, why not?” Argggh! YES, I COULD! And no I couldn’t. Obviously, both are true at the same time because I’m all-powerful you idiot!
And even though I’m omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, and far too merciful, you foolish mortals have the nerve to question whether or not I even exist! Without a doubt, this is the question I hate the most. When people question My existence, it takes Me beyond my normal baseline level of fury to a new kind of surreal, bewildered and detached super-rage.
Ask yourself, how would you feel if everyone you knew was constantly debating whether or not YOU exist? Wouldn’t that drive you crazy? Wouldn’t it make you more than a little out-of-your-mind furious? Of course it would. Well…that’s what it does to Me anyway.
I remember one time recently, after a particularly bad quarter in which I lost over half a million people to atheism, I got so angry I blacked out for 5 days. I don’t remember much about what I did, but when I came to, Gabriel told Me I had completely destroyed both the Qzyzxnor AND Hyper-Globulus homeworlds. I was like, holy crap! Good thing nobody cares about them!
I will say, however, there is one question I genuinely love being asked. In fact, it makes Me so happy I get a Divine Boner every time I hear it; and that is: “Why God? Why?”
HAHAHA! BECAUSE MORTAL! I HATE YOU!