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Archive for June, 2008

Ask God: June

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Reg: “Dear God, I’m afflicted by an unsightly and growing bald patch and I have bad acne. Can you help?”

GOD: No. If you are bald or unsightly it is purely because your constant embarrassment amuses Me.

QUESTION #2:

Project Openletter: “God, how do you feel about Bob Dylan?”

GOD: He’s been dead for 35 years – I smote him with a drug overdose long ago. That prick Satanus has been propping his hippie husk up for use in his nefarious schemes ever since.

QUESTION #3:

Tom: “God, are you ticklish?”

GOD: Wow Tom. What an idiotically insolent question. You will regret this!

QUESTION #4:

Cooper: “God, is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?”

GOD: Shut up, Cooper.

QUESTION #5:

Alex P. Keaton: “God, is it okay to beat the wife?”

GOD: It’s not only ok, I highly encourage it! It’s a great way to relieve stress, plus you get a really great workout.

QUESTION #6:

JimmyNoEmail: “God, how do you decipher mumbled/jibberish prayers?”

GOD: I read minds dipshit. Geez, why can’t you stupid mortals think for even a couple of seconds before wasting My Precious time with your stupid questions?

QUESTION #7:

André: “God, since You are omniscient, I’ll make my question in portuguese, because I’m brazilian and that’s my natural language – probably this is not problem to You: Por que você criou as coisas que odeia?”

GOD: Hoho, no is not problem to Me. You asked: “Why did you make the things you hate?” Because I didn’t know I was going to hate them so much later when I first made them. It’s easy to love a new baby I create – until that baby grows up to be a douchey atheist bloodsucker like you.

QUESTION #8:

D Hue: “God, how do feel about Santa Clause? Isn’t he kinda stealing your thunder?”

GOD: I hate him! He is a fat demonic piece of shit who ruins My Son’s birthday every year with his disgusting materialism. Also, kids first learn disillusionment when they learn that he is not real. Oftentimes this distrust fosters atheism in their later years.

QUESTION #9:

Josh: “God, what’s Your view on the priest who molest children?”

GOD: They are My Faithful servants and they deserve a little fun in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, they can fellate as many choirboys as they like.

QUESTION #10:

Uppity Cracka: “God, are Christians allowed to stone people to death on the sabbath?”

GOD: Yes, of course! While any day is a great day for a stoning, I truly love a good Sabbath Stoning. Nothing makes Me Happier on My Day off than to see a blasphemer’s bloodied and broken body lying in the town square.

QUESTION #11:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: “Hey God; I spent Sunday morning outside a local church, waving at drivers, trying to get them to come to church. If they drove past, I pelted them with rocks and garbage. Does this me earn any points on my Get Out Of Hell card?”

GOD: I’m not sure what you are referring to with your ‘get out of hell’ card, as there is no such device. But yes, this does please Me some. However, in your case you are going to have to do a lot more than that to win Me back. Next time put an orange cone in the road and stand behind it with a rocket launcher and a sign telling them to “Go to church!” with an arrow pointed to the parking lot. That ought to get the message across.

QUESTION #12:

Weirdo Chris: “What can I do to be a better slave for you? Any tips?”

GOD: Worship Me more often. Any free time you have when you are not working or sleeping, you should have your head bowed in prayer and you should be whipping yourself for being a bad person. This pleases Me. Also, you need to give Me more money.

QUESTION #13:

Jared: “God, how come you favor the Jews over everyone else? Doesn’t that make you a racist?”

GOD: No, that just makes Me pro-Semite. Besides, I favor them because they are so funny and they have awesome hair and their basketball H-O-R-S-E skills are beyond reproach. Also, I promised My old friend Abraham to look after them and keep them safe forever. How would it look if I broke My Promises? I would look like a real jerk, that’s what.

QUESTION #14:

Bloodvork: “God, what happened to the Jews in Egypt who didn’t get the memo that they had to put lamb’s blood on their door to save their children from The Holy Spirit? Wark.”

GOD: The Holy Spirit killed them along with the rest of the dirty Egyptian scum. It’s not My fault they didn’t get the memo. Maybe they should have been a little more involved in the Jewish community, hmm??

QUESTION #15:

Richard Dawkins: “Does God worship anyone greater than himself? How can he not be an atheist?”

GOD: No, what a ridiculous notion. There is none greater than Me. I have no need to worship anyone, including Myself. How can I not believe in My own existence? You are trying to sound clever but instead you sound retarded.

QUESTION #16:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Are You sure You exist?”

GOD: OF COURSE! Are you sure you exist?!

QUESTION #17:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, about Carlos Mencia … whose diseased cock did he suck to get the gig he’s got?”

GOD: President of MTV Networks Doug Herzog.

QUESTION #18:

Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Thinking of the loss of George Carlin brings only one thought to mind….WHY, GOD? WHY???”

GOD: What do you want from Me? He was old and had heart problems, ok? He also snorted a lot of cocaine in his day. It’s a miracle I could keep him alive and entertaining you for this long. But don’t worry, he’s not in hell as Satanus would have you believe. He’s up here with Me in Heaven. He looks really surprised. I know he was a staunch atheist his whole life, but he really makes Me laugh. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about being here at first (as everyone he was ever friends with is in hell and he’s surrounded by Bible-thumping Christians), but I brought up some of his pals from hell on his behalf and gave them a mountain of blow to do and everything else they could ever want. I also reunited Georgie with his first wife and his beloved dog Tippy. He’s adjusting well and has already started work on a new book of his observations and musings on Heaven.

QUESTION #19:

Bonogamy: “Dear God, who the hell do you think you are?”

GOD: I am the Almighty Lord your God! I can say and do whatever I like so you can just suck a rotten egg and shut your mouth you weak heathen dope! I respect your balls in asking such a question, but nevertheless your insolence will not go unpunished. I can assure you of that.

QUESTION #20:

Rev. BigDumbChimp: “God, why are you always so grumpy? Do you need a hug?”

GOD: No! Of course not. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody! You people make Me so angry with your stupid questions and your stupid prayers and your stupid everything. Try as I might, I honestly just don’t give a shit any more. About any of you. Prepare yourselves – the end is near!

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#33 Atheists

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

I am the Lord Almighty; I am the Light of the World and The Ultimate Goodness; more Perfect than your feeble human brain could ever conceive; I made the world and all the creatures in it; I have watched over, loved and protected you all of your life.

Yet despite all that I have done for each and every one of you, there are still some humans who have the effrontery to not even believe in Me! In the parlance of modern times, these ‘people’ are called atheists, but to me they are just demonic zombie heathen scum that are best dispatched with a shotgun round to the head.

Satanic atheist creatures of the night have no morals and cannot be trusted. They break into Christian homes at night. They perform abortions on unwilling pregnant mothers and then eat the aborted babies.

Because they do not believeth in Me or My 10 Commandments, by default, they embrace evil. These atheist cannibal monsters believe that if you can get away with it, it must be ok. They regularly burn down churches, rape the retarded, rob the elderly, murder the suicidal, torture the crippled, kidnap the poor, lie, cheat and do drugs. And when they run out of dead babies to eat, they turn on each other for sustenance.

Without My Ultimate and Perfect Moral Authority governing their minds, these former humans commit all manner of atrocity. Some of the most evil people in the history of the world were devout atheists: Adolph Hitler, Joey Stalin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Charles Darwin, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, John Lennon – need I go on? Take a good, long look at that list. Easily some of the most despicable wretches to ever walk the face of My green earth.

This barely needs pointing out, but no one who ever believethed in Me and had morals ever committed evil of any kind. Go ahead and investigate yourself. Search the internet. Ask a friend. Open up the encyclopedia if you have to. There has never once been one recorded instance in the history of humanity of a devout Christian, Jew or Muslim committing an evil deed. Not once!

Also, unlike My Followers (who are decent people who fear Me and just try to raise their families and live a good life), drug-addled atheist savages are universally arrogant pricks who force their idiotic non-beliefs down other people’s throats without provocation. Alas, if only My People were as self-righteous and condescending as atheists are, there would be no atheist serpents left.

These atheist fiends are merely servants of the dark one, Satanus*. As he instructs them to do, they commit the most evil act of all by continually pestering My Followers with logic-based questions. Why must they do this?!

Do they not see the proof of My Existence all around them? In the beautiful sky and land? In the birds that flutter in the summer air? Or in the perfect breasts of a maiden fair? As any fool knows, something cannot come from nothing. Just as a house is made by a carpenter, I made the world. To this the atheist says; “then who made you God?” To which I reply, “MY PARENTS, DINGUS!”

The atheist cretin tries to pin all the evil in the world wrought by Satanus on Me. The dark lord has mighty powers too, powers that I struggle everyday to contend with. Just recently Satanus made a plane crash into a field, killing 143 passengers and crew. I managed to save one child with only third-degree burns and a couple of lost limbs. But do I get any credit for My Heroics? No! Of course not. I just get blamed for the crash.

I tell you, those baby-raping atheist vampires direct their hatred toward Me nonstop. More than anything, this greatly saddens Me. How could you heathen scum do this to Me? I am The Almighty God and I LOVE YOU! I love and care for you so much it makes My Heart ache sometimes. I even gave up My Only Son, and let him die horribly, all to save your wicked soul from Satanus. And this is how you repay Me?! By saying I don’t even exist?! How could you be so cruel?!

Well, I just hope all you atheists out there change your mind. If you do, I can promise you an eternity spent in Heaven with Me, eating all the most delicious foods and yum-yum ice-creams you’ve ever wanted and meeting all the coolest people who ever existed, as well as anything else your little heart desires.

Because you know, even if you atheists were right, which you most certainly are not, what would you gain from not believingeth in Me? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. A lifetime spent in cynicism and a sad, devoted worship of nerds who wear lab coats for a living. Oh, and did I mention an eternity burning in the lake of fire whilst getting raped by burly demons? That’s what awaits. I assure you, every atheist bitterly regrets their mistake as soon as they die.

But anyway, all this arguing tires Me out.

I am the Lord Almighty, and I exist. That is all you need know.

*I prefer the Latin word ‘Satanus’ because it keeps anus in his name.

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#32 Public Speaking

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

As surely as I am the Almighty LORD your God, the One who restored the boundaries of Israel from Lebo Hamath to the Sea of the Arabah, and the One who makes you get up early on Sunday, I command you now to read My Words with reverence and solicitude!

Today in My Hatred Therapy, I wish to rage on something I hate so much I never, ever – EVER – do it. And that is to speak in public to a large group of people.

Do not dare suggest that this is only because I am afraid to do so, mortal! I would dash out your eyes with a stapler…and rip out your tongue with a stapler were you to speak such horrid blasphemies. I am all-powerful and fear nothing!

However, I am also all-knowing, and as such this makes it almost impossible for Me to stand in front of a group of sinners and not smite them all into dust. You humans detest public speaking only because you imagine all the nasty things people are thinking about you. Well, I actually hear what people are thinking! For example, they think you’re unattractive and a poor speaker and your head is misshapen. I already know what people would think about Me:

“Oh goody! I’ve got so many questions to ask Him!”

“Why doesn’t He make some miracles already and prove He’s God?”

“Speak louder so the back can hear!”

And so on and so forth. I tell you human, speaking in front of a group of despicable, rat-filth humans is infuriating. This is one of the major reasons I chose to speak to the world again via blog. Why would I deign to speak to the throngs of humanity publicly? It would severely tarnish My Mysterious Almighty Image were I to ever do Letterman or Leno.

Moreover, you people have not earned the right to gaze upon my radiance! You must worship Me your whole life and then die first. Besides, if you were to ever gaze upon My Gloriously Handsome Visage (even for an instant), your face would melt. For an example of this, take a look at what I did to those Nazis when they raided My Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

But even if I used My Infinite Power to make sure none of the humans melted when I spoke to them in public, what if somebody were to cough or sneeze while I was speaking? I would have no choice but to smite that person harshly, and people don’t like it when you kill people in front of other people. To them, it smacks of arrogance. I tend to agree – public killings are no good. That’s why I like to kill from afar, like the Air Force. People don’t care as much when you do it that way. Seems less personal.

Anyway, public speaking is strictly for suckers. This is why I only talk to one guy at a time, usually when he’s alone in the forest or out foraging for goats on a mountaintop. I mostly like to talk to friendless men who are like Me; that is, guys with long flowing beards who possess a fanatical attention to detail and a rifle of some kind. These courageous Christian soldiers need a fervent mind so they can remember everything I tell them, and a heart on fire to get My Message out to the masses. I never speak to women, if I can help it.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#31 Galactus

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Of the many powerful beings roaming throughout My Cosmos, there is one that has provoked My Righteous Anger on countless occasions. I am speaking, of course, about Galactus, the ‘Devourer of Worlds.’

Man, I hate that guy. He keeps eating all the planets I create! All he does is float about the universe and find planets I’ve made that can sustain life and then eat them! What a complete jerk.

For example, a little while back I was working on a life-sustaining planet I had tentatively titled ‘Archeopia.’ Determined not to make the vast number of mistakes I made with Earth, I’d spent a full three months working on this particular planet. I had just finished up the final touches on Archeopia, when I decided to take a half-hour break to go quick check how My Jews were doing. But when I came back, guess what? The planet was gone; Galactus had already come and eaten it. You know, I’d worked really hard on that planet. And like always, that jerk Galactus comes along and just eats it without even asking Me if he could have it.

So naturally, I went and confronted him about it. Galactus claimed he was “really hungry” and didn’t know that it was mine. Whatever. He’s such a liar.

You know, I wouldn’t mind so much if he went around eating non-life-sustaining planets. I don’t spend any time on those – they’re templates. But no! Galactus the Devourer of Cock has to eat the special planets I’ve worked so hard on!

Galactus thinks that just because he’s this huge powerful being that wields the power cosmic that he can do whatever he wants and be an obnoxious, insensitive prick all the time. He yells and curses a lot and pretty much has no regard for anyone else’s feelings. I really hate people like that.

It’s like, who does he think he is, anyway?! His power, although impressive, is nothing when compared to the Divine Power that I, The Almighty Lord, possess in just My Little Pinky Toe. I could totally erase him from existence if I wanted. I just choose not to.

Anyway, Galactus is a feeb and a Me-wannabe. His main enemy has always been the corny lames known as The Fantastic Four, and they’ve thwarted him how many times now? Has to be at least 15-20. Also, his head is frigging tiny and is completely out of proportion with the rest of his body. And he’s ugly. I hate him and I hope he chokes on the next world of Mine he eats.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#30 Fat People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, Master of All That Is and All That Ever Will Be, wish to talk about My Supreme disdain for the fat people of My world.

Foolish mortal! Do not lie to Me or to yourself. You seem to forget that I have read every thought you have ever had, including those you are having right now as you read this. Some of you are fat apologists who claim that you don’t hate fat people, and that you are not shallow, and that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And while this is true – if you are a glutton on the inside you are a fatty pig fatty on the outside – you are still blatantly breaking the 9th commandment if you deny your disgust for fat people. Everyone hates the fat.

I hate them. You hate them. They hate themselves.

And well we should! I assure you mortal; you need not be ashamed of your loathing for the chunky manatees you see all around you. The overweight deserve every last ounce of contempt and ridicule you can muster.

Much like you, I hate fat people because they are fat. If they were thin, or average, or even only just a little chubby, I probably wouldn’t hate them. Well, not as much anyway.

I have to listen to those gluttons cry and whine and wail while they stuff their fat faces with cupcakes and other assorted pastries. And then they have the audacity to pray to Me to help them lose weight~! You can’t pray it off chubbasaurus. You have to work hard if you want to lose weight and earn My Divine Respect.

Very few fat people ever become real people because fat people are inherently lazy. Weak, jealous, mean and envious to the core; acting jolly is just their way of getting you to drop your guard so they can take your food. Humorous distraction is an oft used method the fat use to steal your French fries.

Fat people steal food, but they kill people too. First and foremost, they hog the food that could be going to feed all the starving people of the world not living in Africa. They also murder good-looking thinners in countless other ways. I see it every day. For example, I have lost many a faithful servant in elevator-crashes caused by the elephant-people.

But far worse than the theft and the murder, is when fat people are also somehow extremely vain. This is especially common amongst fat females. And the only thing worse than a woman, is a fat woman who thinks she’s sexy. Quite frankly, it infuriates and confuses Me. It boggles My Eternal Mind to contemplate how these hideous land-masses could possibly consider themselves fattractive. They are not, of course; they are merely fat-pigs living in fat-pig denial.

By their greed and their laziness, fat people have earned their derision and banishment from society and from Heaven. Just as a rich man will find it easier to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven, a fat man will find it easier to fit into an airplane seat than get into Heaven.

If you are reading this and you are a great big fat-ass and are worried about your looming future in hell, all I can tell you is: try putting down the fork for once and give jogging a try. FACE!

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#29 Sandals

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace, The Lord of Lords and The King of Kings: Jesus The Christ.

Hello My Children! I am greatly pleased to speak with you today.

First, you are likely wondering where My Father is and why I am posting on His Blog. Ha! Curious human. You are like a man, who, upon being given a glorious barrel of watermelons, first asks what supermarket it came from. The man asked and asked, and then before he knew it another man came and stole his melons. Hear Me now, for I bring you wisdom more precious than any melon!

But I can tell you are still very curious, so I will tell you. I was looking for My 14k White Gold Pavé Diamond Cross Necklace tonight when I found something very interesting in My Father’s private office. His computer was on and his browser was open to wordpress.com. I noticed that there was text entered into the username and password field, so I (very innocently) pressed the ‘login’ button. To My great surprise, I found a link to this blog.

After reading only four or five posts, I was left shaken and disgusted. The post about My Mother in particular deeply offended and saddened Me. The cursing! The shouting! The blind rage! On behalf of Me and My whole family, I would like to sincerely apologize.

I am now seriously concerned for My Father’s mental health. I had no idea He had so many anger issues. And it’s so strange, cause He doesn’t act like this around Heaven at all.

Anyway, to make Myself feel better, I thought I’d post something while I was here, as is My Divine Right. After all, I’m God too.

Now I couldn’t really think of something I hate, but I was able to think of something that really irritated Me while I was on Earth. Sandals!

I wore sandals My whole life, and I always found them extremely uncomfortable. We didn’t have socks back then to cushion your feet, and the quality of the sandals was much less than now. It was pretty much a piece of wood tied to some rope straps.

Maybe how I feel about sandals can best be expressed by one of My Famous parables:

No wise man wears sandals. If he does, he will lose his feet to frostbite in the winter, and not be able to walk because of blisters in the summer. And that would make him a fool.

Sorry, that was terrible. It’s been a while since I’ve made any parables, so I guess I’m pretty rusty.

Well the point is, maybe if I hadn’t been wearing such painful, feet-numbing sandals, I might’ve had a chance at running away when the Romans came to arrest Me. I mean, I was in great shape. If I’d just had a pair of Nike Air Max Assault 12 Men’s Trail Running Shoes, complete with Nike Elite Structure Cushioned Low Cut Running Socks, I could’ve run like the wind and lived to preach the gospel for like another solid 30-40 years, and who knows? Maybe settled down with Mary Magdalene and had a couple kids of My Own. Ah well, I guess it all worked out for the best anyway.

Gotta go, I think I hear My Dad. Peace be with you!

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#28 Boy Scouts

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry, I would like to talk about My Newfound Hatred for the boy scouts.

You see, I used to love them…but now I have to kill them. The scouts used to love and honor Me, but I have decided that they are now nothing but a coven of blasphemous, science-loving tree-fairies.

I just happened to be surfing the internets last week and stumble upon their Wikipedia page, where I learned some things that made Me quite angry. For one, did you know they no longer encourage scouts to practice their tomahawk-throwing skills on kids with down syndrome? It’s true! And did you also know that women are now allowed to be scout leaders?! Seriously human, when I heard that, I came this close to tossing the Chief Scout Executive off a cliff.

However, as you are well aware, I am a loving God, and so I took mercy on him.

I decided instead to show My Displeasure by using My Awesome Tornado Power to kill several hundred boy scouts while they were out camping.

Boom! Kapow! How ya like Me now?!

Ok, ok. I may have exaggerated a bit just then. By My count (don’t trust the media) I only killed like 50. But whatever, any way you slice it I’m still off to a great start.

Let this serve as a warning to you, Boy Scouts of America. You sowed the wind, and now you reap the whirlwind. You have sinned against Me, and so I will continue to smite you until you have filled My List of Ten Demandments:

1. No women scout leaders.

2. Find one way to tie a knot and stick with it. Your pompous pride in your ability to tie silly knots infuriates Me.

3. Eliminate all the merit badges related to science. This includes the merit badges for: chemistry, computers, electricity, electronics, energy, nuclear science, and space exploration.

4. There will be several new badges related to serving Me: worship, devotion, faith, tithing, indignation, baptizing, smiting, etc.

5. Eliminate the merit badge for critical thinking and dismember any scout who already has this badge.

6. Scouts are no longer allowed to show up in court dressed in their uniform.

7. Change the uniforms. You look like nerds and idiots at the same time, and that’s not an easy look to achieve.

8. Scouts must believe in Me, and only Me. (Yahweh)

9. Cookies and punch must be served at the end of every meeting.

10. BE MORE RACIST!

I feel extremely passionate about all of My Ten Demandments, and will continue to smite boy scouts until they are all met. However, My most important demandment is that the Boy Scouts of America become a great deal more racist. They’re not nearly prejudiced enough.

Oh sure, the BSA still excludes atheist scum, agnostic cowards and anal lovers from joining their ranks. But that doesn’t impress Me. Everyone excludes them.

I mean, they used to be so much more racist! It was great. Why, I remember a time not that long ago when being a boy scout required you to have white skin and plump, rosy red cheeks. Man, those were the days. I’m telling you, back then, they didn’t even allow spaghetti-eating wops.

Nowadays though, they’ll let anybody in. All they have to do is (claim to) believe in a God of some kind. They don’t even have to believe in Me! How dare they?!

Well, they will learn to respect Me, the Lord God Almighty, or they will suffer the consequences. They will meet my list of demandments or they will die.

Be prepared is the boy scout motto…HA! There is no preparing for ME boy scum!

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