In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Jenner: “Does God hate? If I’m not mistaken, God loves all and hates none.”
GOD: You fool. You are, in fact, sadly mistaken. I hate a great many things – especially people like you. People who try to imagine who and what I am, or rather – who you wish I was – and then spread that idea around as if it was the truth. You blasphemous bastards will all burn in the fiery pits of hell!
Chocoholic: “Do you hate only 911 conspiracy theorists or any conspiracy theorist?”
GOD: I hate all conspiracy theorists. I hate people who question things in general – that leads to all sorts of problems for Me.
Bonzo: “Hi, God. When someone says “God damn it!” without citing a specific object of damnation, do You just randomly choose something or someone to damn, or do You try to ascertain the damnable Thing?”
GOD: Great question. When this happens, I first ascertain what needs to be damned and damn it to hell. Then I always damn the person who shouted out the blasphemous request – how dare they try and order Me around?! After that, I usually damn something or someone else nearby just for good measure. I just love damning things to hell – it makes Me feel so Validated and Magnificent.
On: “Dear GOD, when will Armageddon come? I am so bored.”
GOD: Ok, first of all, On is not a name, it’s a preposition, so I will just refer to you as Nimrod Dipshit Bumblefuck III. As to your question, believe Me Nimrod, I am also extremely bored and can’t wait for the Armageddon either. But never fear – the end is near! I promise you, The Rapture is coming soon…so very soon. Specifically, April 3rd, 2023. I can’t wait – it’s gonna be so much fun!
Darkrich: “Do you know where I can get some killer kush weed God dude?”
GOD: Hmm, it’s pretty dry in your town right now. But here’s what you can do – call up your friend Wiggy. Or better yet, just go over to his house. He’s holding out on you.
Dionysus: “Say God, You don’t fuck, do You?”
GOD: OF COURSE I DO! How dare you even suggest that I, The Almighty Lord, am some kind of asexual celibate freakazoid? The vicious rumors people spread about Me on Earth really make Me furious! Anyway, I used to do all kinds of women, but I mostly do Playboy bunnies these days.
faithful servant: “God, I ask you everyday for ’strength and wisdom”, yet I’m weak as hell, and dumb as rock. Why don’t you like me?”
GOD: Because you are an annoying sycophant, and have always been that way. I remember in Heaven, before I sent you down into the world, even then you were sucking up and bugging Me for strength and wisdom. So I made you stupid and weak! HA! That’s what you get loser!
Mike M: “What are some of Your hobbies?”
GOD: As I’ve stated before, I truly enjoy watching and participating in sporting events, deciding who will win and such. Other than that, I also enjoy playing with My model trains. I would also list smiting here as My main interest (and passion), but I view that as more My Purpose than My Hobby.
Mondo: “God, since you don’t exist, how do explain your sense of humor and why, if you do exist, did you make people so fucking stupid?”
GOD: Wow, what an idiot you are Mongo. First of all, I didn’t make people stupid – they did! Second, your question is a perfect illustration of that stupidity. How can you possibly doubt My existence when you are addressing Me and asking Me a question? Are you insane?
Cooper: “I heard that on the 8th day god created evolution. It that true?”
GOD: No that is not true! There is no such thing as the e-word! DO NOT EVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN OR RISK A HEFTY SMITING!!!
Judas Iscariot:: “Why do you post on sundays, but not fridays?”
GOD: I post whenever I get a spare moment to sit down, collect My Thoughts and just focus on My Hatred Therapy. Usually this is a Sunday, as this is My only fricking day off. I’ve been really busy lately – I always feel like I have to be everywhere at once you know?
Do Nut Fart: “God is it true that Kula Shaker and the Mahavishnu Orchestra were recently invited to Heaven to perfom for you?”
GOD: No. I have absolutely no idea who the fuck that is. Stupid question!
Raymond Tseng: “God, it has been said by many people that you (Jesus) was a black man or that you are actually a woman? Can you end this discussion once and for all?”
GOD: I answered this question last month, where I thought I HAD ended this discussion! For the last time, I’m a white man, with a long flowing beard and huge rippling muscles. Just look at My Picture! Do I look like a black man or a woman to you?
Will: “How does God feel about Jews? I was shocked to see that they weren’t on your list.”
GOD: As i have said before, I love the Jews! Sure, they’ve let Me down many, many times and I’ve had to punish them. But they’re My chosen people and they always will be! It’s not like I can un-choose them and choose another people. That would be so lame – like abandoning the sports team you’ve been a fan of all your life just because they’re terrible.
Margaret:: “Hello? Hello, God? Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”
GOD: No, I am not here you dumb bitch. Margaret, you will soon get breast cancer and lose both breasts but survive. After that you will get vagina cancer and die. Then you will descend into hell where you will get to be with your stupid hero Judy Blume. WARNING: The next woman dumb enough to utter this idiotic “joke” to Me will suffer a similar fate or worse.
Charlie: “God, what’s up with this “global warming” thing? Should I be doing something or can I keep on dumping oil into that hippy’s garden down the street?”
GOD: Eh. Do what you want. It makes no difference. You pathetic, vain mortals cannot destroy the planet nor save it. ONLY I CAN!
Alex: “Must be nice being almighty and stuff, isn’t it?”
GOD: It’s not as nice as you might think. Sure, it has its perks. But knowing everything makes you depressed, and having to be everywhere at once and watch everything totally sucks ass. I do, however, enjoy being all-powerful and love smiting sinners.
Luke G.: “God, is there anything we can do to cheer you up so we all don’t have to suffer the eternal constant demon rapings and stuff?”
GOD: Hmm….probably not. Well, you could at least try not to be such lame, annoying, unfunny, stupid, greedy, insufferable pricks all the time. That would be a start.
a prophet: “why do you do this? this is the stupidest blog i’ve ever read.”
GOD: This person is now dead.
Dave: “God, we will be judged harshly after death?”
GOD: Yes. Yes you will.