Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about a building which displeases Me greatly – St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City, USA.
St. Patrick’s is the dumbest cathedral in the world. I hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand fricking suns. Sure, it might be huge and built to honor Me, but does that mean that I have to love it? Do I have to appreciate every last stupid cathedral that gets built for Me? Hell no. I don’t have to do a Me-Damned thing except stay white and never die.
There are just a lot of little things about St. Patrick’s that really, really bug Me. Pardon Me, did I say little things? I meant gigantic colossal mistakes.
For one, the entire building is made out of white marble. LAME! I, The Almighty Lord, much prefer gray stone. For another, the St. Michael and St. Louis altars were designed by Tiffany & Co. GAY!
Then there’s the bust of Pope John Paul II in the back of the rectory. Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like him. Looks more like a cross between a drag queen who just got punched in the chops and a severely strung out on heroin Lou Gossett, Jr.
And the list of defects just goes on and on. The spacing on the third row of pews is off by almost a full inch; I’m pretty sure the lead architect was half-retarded. The stained-glass windows are pedestrian and obvious; the spires are too tall; and there is not one single gargoyle present on the entire cathedral. Seriously! Not a single one. Is it too much to ask to get some freaking gargoyles?!
Also, how come no flying buttresses? Not one flying buttress. Oh, I guess the Americans were so technologically advanced they didn’t need anything awesome and cool-looking to prop up and support their fancy-schmancy new cathedral. Jerks.
The whole design of St. Patrick’s is just uninspired. I mean, just look at that picture! It’s hideous. And it’s such a wannabe cathedral. Sorry St. Patty’s, but no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be one of the greats. You’ll never rank up there with the Notre Dames or the Durhams of this world.
You know, a cathedral used to mean something. It used to be a thing of wonder, built by mostly agrarian European peoples over the course of several generations, usually taking several hundred years to complete at the cost of thousands upon thousands of lives and untold misery and hardship.
And what did it take the Americans to complete St. Patrick’s Cathedral? Only 20 years, start to finish, at a cost of a measly 562 lives.
PFF! Not much of a sacrifice if you ask Me.
*Also, why do they let every high school choir come and sing there? I’d rather listen to an elderly cat getting scraped against a cheese-grater.