Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I, the Lord God Almighty, choose to focus My Righteous Rage on demon cats that want to suck out your soul and kill your children while they sleep.
I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.
Just for the record, I’d like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.
Long have Lucifer’s race of demon cats brought devastation to My People! In fact, cats are directly responsible for 90% of history’s most evil events. It was a cat who convinced Adolph Hitler to kill My Jews (and to wear a mustache). The Holocaust, Slavery, The Sinking of the Titanic, The Hindenburg Disaster, The Teapot Dome Scandal, The Cancellation of Studio 60, Carlos Mencia – all of these atrocities occurred because of cats.
Also, they like to scratch up your couch and pee on your brand new feather comforter. And sometimes they even poop on your chest while you’re sleeping. I’ve seen these tragedies happen far too many times.
And so I created dogs! Dogs chase and devour cats at every opportunity. Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.
If you be a true believer* in Me, The Almighty God, you will do as I say. I proclaim to you now – if you see a cat, you kill a cat! If a cat follows your son home from the comic book store, grab it by the nape of its neck and drown it while your son watches.
If you go to your new neighbor’s house for dinner and see that he owns a cat, walk right over and snap its neck. I promise you, Satan’s spell will be broken and your neighbor will thank you for it.
If you know an old woman who has a great many cats, go and burn her house down, being careful to shoot her or any kittens that try to escape. If you do these things for Me, I will bless you and your family all of your life.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
*If you are allergic to cats, you are a good person and will go to Heaven.