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Archive for May, 2008

Ask God: May

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jenner: “Does God hate? If I’m not mistaken, God loves all and hates none.”

GOD: You fool. You are, in fact, sadly mistaken. I hate a great many things – especially people like you. People who try to imagine who and what I am, or rather – who you wish I was – and then spread that idea around as if it was the truth. You blasphemous bastards will all burn in the fiery pits of hell!

QUESTION #2:

Chocoholic: “Do you hate only 911 conspiracy theorists or any conspiracy theorist?”

GOD: I hate all conspiracy theorists. I hate people who question things in general – that leads to all sorts of problems for Me.

QUESTION #3:

Bonzo: “Hi, God. When someone says “God damn it!” without citing a specific object of damnation, do You just randomly choose something or someone to damn, or do You try to ascertain the damnable Thing?”

GOD: Great question. When this happens, I first ascertain what needs to be damned and damn it to hell. Then I always damn the person who shouted out the blasphemous request – how dare they try and order Me around?! After that, I usually damn something or someone else nearby just for good measure. I just love damning things to hell – it makes Me feel so Validated and Magnificent.

QUESTION #4:

On: “Dear GOD, when will Armageddon come? I am so bored.”

GOD: Ok, first of all, On is not a name, it’s a preposition, so I will just refer to you as Nimrod Dipshit Bumblefuck III. As to your question, believe Me Nimrod, I am also extremely bored and can’t wait for the Armageddon either. But never fear – the end is near! I promise you, The Rapture is coming soon…so very soon. Specifically, April 3rd, 2023. I can’t wait – it’s gonna be so much fun!

QUESTION #5:

Darkrich: “Do you know where I can get some killer kush weed God dude?”

GOD: Hmm, it’s pretty dry in your town right now. But here’s what you can do – call up your friend Wiggy. Or better yet, just go over to his house. He’s holding out on you.

QUESTION #6:

Dionysus: “Say God, You don’t fuck, do You?”

GOD: OF COURSE I DO! How dare you even suggest that I, The Almighty Lord, am some kind of asexual celibate freakazoid? The vicious rumors people spread about Me on Earth really make Me furious! Anyway, I used to do all kinds of women, but I mostly do Playboy bunnies these days.

QUESTION #7:

faithful servant: “God, I ask you everyday for ’strength and wisdom”, yet I’m weak as hell, and dumb as rock. Why don’t you like me?”

GOD: Because you are an annoying sycophant, and have always been that way. I remember in Heaven, before I sent you down into the world, even then you were sucking up and bugging Me for strength and wisdom. So I made you stupid and weak! HA! That’s what you get loser!

QUESTION #8:

Mike M: “What are some of Your hobbies?”

GOD: As I’ve stated before, I truly enjoy watching and participating in sporting events, deciding who will win and such. Other than that, I also enjoy playing with My model trains. I would also list smiting here as My main interest (and passion), but I view that as more My Purpose than My Hobby.

QUESTION #9:

Mondo: “God, since you don’t exist, how do explain your sense of humor and why, if you do exist, did you make people so fucking stupid?”

GOD: Wow, what an idiot you are Mongo. First of all, I didn’t make people stupid – they did! Second, your question is a perfect illustration of that stupidity. How can you possibly doubt My existence when you are addressing Me and asking Me a question? Are you insane?

QUESTION #10:

Cooper: “I heard that on the 8th day god created evolution. It that true?”

GOD: No that is not true! There is no such thing as the e-word! DO NOT EVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN OR RISK A HEFTY SMITING!!!

QUESTION #11:

Judas Iscariot:: “Why do you post on sundays, but not fridays?”

GOD: I post whenever I get a spare moment to sit down, collect My Thoughts and just focus on My Hatred Therapy. Usually this is a Sunday, as this is My only fricking day off. I’ve been really busy lately – I always feel like I have to be everywhere at once you know?

QUESTION #12:

Do Nut Fart: “God is it true that Kula Shaker and the Mahavishnu Orchestra were recently invited to Heaven to perfom for you?”

GOD: No. I have absolutely no idea who the fuck that is. Stupid question!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

QUESTION #13:

Raymond Tseng: “God, it has been said by many people that you (Jesus) was a black man or that you are actually a woman? Can you end this discussion once and for all?”

GOD: I answered this question last month, where I thought I HAD ended this discussion! For the last time, I’m a white man, with a long flowing beard and huge rippling muscles. Just look at My Picture! Do I look like a black man or a woman to you?

QUESTION #14:

Will: “How does God feel about Jews? I was shocked to see that they weren’t on your list.”

GOD: As i have said before, I love the Jews! Sure, they’ve let Me down many, many times and I’ve had to punish them. But they’re My chosen people and they always will be! It’s not like I can un-choose them and choose another people. That would be so lame – like abandoning the sports team you’ve been a fan of all your life just because they’re terrible.

QUESTION #15:

Margaret:: “Hello? Hello, God? Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

GOD: No, I am not here you dumb bitch. Margaret, you will soon get breast cancer and lose both breasts but survive. After that you will get vagina cancer and die. Then you will descend into hell where you will get to be with your stupid hero Judy Blume. WARNING: The next woman dumb enough to utter this idiotic “joke” to Me will suffer a similar fate or worse.

QUESTION #16:

Charlie: “God, what’s up with this “global warming” thing? Should I be doing something or can I keep on dumping oil into that hippy’s garden down the street?”

GOD: Eh. Do what you want. It makes no difference. You pathetic, vain mortals cannot destroy the planet nor save it. ONLY I CAN!

QUESTION #17:

Alex: “Must be nice being almighty and stuff, isn’t it?”

GOD: It’s not as nice as you might think. Sure, it has its perks. But knowing everything makes you depressed, and having to be everywhere at once and watch everything totally sucks ass. I do, however, enjoy being all-powerful and love smiting sinners.

QUESTION #18:

Luke G.: “God, is there anything we can do to cheer you up so we all don’t have to suffer the eternal constant demon rapings and stuff?”

GOD: Hmm….probably not. Well, you could at least try not to be such lame, annoying, unfunny, stupid, greedy, insufferable pricks all the time. That would be a start.

QUESTION #19:

a prophet: “why do you do this? this is the stupidest blog i’ve ever read.”

GOD: This person is now dead.

QUESTION #20:

Dave: “God, we will be judged harshly after death?”

GOD: Yes. Yes you will.

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#24 Dead Soldiers

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today is Memorial Day in the USA. Most Americans use this day to eat burgers and think about dead soldiers. I would also like to use today to think about dead soldiers…and how much I hate them!

Please! Before I go any further, don’t misunderstand Me. Just because I hate dead soldiers, in no way does this mean that I hate war.

On the contrary, I love war! It’s one of the best methods I have to punish and destroy nations I hate. I really need to hurry up and get a bunch more started soon. You know, when I think about all the blasphemous little brats I’ve killed in wars over the millennia, it warms My Heart.  It’s just such a great way to kill more sinners and get them off to Hell for eternal torture.

Hmm, while I’m on the topic, I’d like to take a moment to mention a specific kind of soldier I especially like to make dead – the marines! Stupid jerks! Think they’re so tough!

Marine core drill instructors are always saying that I, the Lord Almighty, love the marines. RIDICULOUS! I HATE THE MARINES! They also claim that on the 8th day, I created the marines. BULLSHIT! They even go so far as to say that I’m a marine Myself. BLASPHEMY!

Let Me make this clear right now: there is nothing – and I mean nothing – I hate more than when people put words into My Holy Mouth. I assure you, anyone dumb enough to commit such sacrilege will be stricken dead where they stand!

So anyway, where the fuck was I? Yes, that’s right. I, The Almighty Lord, hate dead soldiers. Those stupid maggots make Me furious! Seriously, how hard is it to fight in a war and not get killed?

Haha – just kidding. It’s actually very easy for a soldier to die in a war. Especially when I hate them!

The simple truth is, if you ever participated in a war and got killed, it’s only because I hated you and wanted you dead. I don’t care how you died; whether you were decapitated by a Visigoth, were impaled by a French bayonet, or fell on a grenade to save the lives of your friends – I arranged those circumstances and put you there at that exact moment in time, because for whatever reason, I had come to hate you.

Private Montgomery, who got killed fighting the Zulu for her Majesty in 1879, I know you’re reading this right now in Hell’s computer lab and you’re wondering if you’re one of these dead soldiers I speak of. Yes! That’s right! I’m talking about you dung-for-brains! I hated you and your dreadful poetry writing, and I started that whole war just so I could kill you. And even though you are already dead and in Hell, I hate you still.

You know, come to think of it, I guess technically I don’t hate dead soldiers at all – I hate the previously alive soldiers! I love the dead ones! I love the fact that they’re dead and no longer around to piss Me off. I love Memorial Day!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I want to talk about someone I hate so much I would like to kill him, and resurrect him, and just keep continually killing him for the rest of time in as infinitely many ways possible. The person of whom I speak, is, of course, George W. Bush.

Yes, that’s right, I, The Almighty Lord your God, hate George Bush too. But probably not for the same reasons you do. I could not possibly care less about the American economy, the price of oil, or all the American troops and citizens that are now dead directly because of Bush. I…JUST…DON’T…CARE! Ok?!

Nope, I hate Bush for far, far more serious reasons. For one thing, he’s dirty! As you well know, cleanliness is close to Me. Well Bush refuses, absolutely refuses, to shower every week. He rarely brushes his teeth (unless Laura does it for him) and never washes his hands after he poos. His handlers just slap extra makeup on him and that nasty little cuss walks around all day shaking hands with world leaders using hands he just used to wipe his ass. I tell you, the sick freak actually gets off on it.

That’s another thing – George Bush masturbates, constantly! Masturbation is one of the things I strictly forbid, and Bush just can’t stop torturing his one-eyed pants detainee. On average, President Bush jerks off two to three times a day. And the worse off America is, the more he does it! Disasters and recession have a way of making Bush horny. He becomes intensely sexually aroused at the idea that the world needs him to save it – 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina sent Bush into a masturbating frenzy.

But besides the fact that he’s a filthy pervert, he’s also unpleasant and annoying on a personal level. I hate him so much! I just can’t stand to even look at his stupid face. More than anything though, I hate his stupid laugh! It’s unbearable! The mere sound of it makes Me want to toss him off a cliff and dash his brains on the rocks below!

Also…he’s the kind of person who will make promises and get your hopes all up nice and high, only to get wasted drunk and let you down in the end. Have you ever been burned really bad by someone you thought was your friend? Ok, well that’s kind of what happened with Me and George W.

Truth is, I used to think he was a swell guy. I mean, I was close with his dad and had promised to make his descendants rulers and stuff many years back. And so I watched George Jr. grow up with interest. I even did coke with him a bunch of times in college, and when he killed this old lady with his car one night, I protected him and made it all go away.

We were the best of pals! We had (have) everything in common. I hate snitches, he hates snitches. I hate anal, he hates anal. I hate science, he hates science. You get the picture.

And so, when the time came in 2000, I used My Powers to make him King of America. And for a while, everything was hunky-dory. I would tell him what to do, and he’d do it. Thing was, I made him pinky-swear not to tell anybody. And what did that asshole do, just two years later? He betrayed Me (of course!) and told everyone I had told him to invade Babylon! He also began worshiping the pagan “god” Molech and even sent money and aid-relief to the heathen continent of Africa!

After everything I had done for that retard, that was how he repaid Me! Well, I immediately stopped giving him pointers and it’s all been downhill for him since then. Everyone hates him now, and everyone will continue to hate him for the rest of time. When he dies from not wearing his seatbelt in 2012, he’s going straight to hell and everyone will make jokes about him being a dumbass. That’s what you get you stupid jerk!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I would like to talk about a building which displeases Me greatly – St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City, USA.

St. Patrick’s is the dumbest cathedral in the world. I hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand fricking suns. Sure, it might be huge and built to honor Me, but does that mean that I have to love it? Do I have to appreciate every last stupid cathedral that gets built for Me? Hell no. I don’t have to do a Me-Damned thing except stay white and never die.

There are just a lot of little things about St. Patrick’s that really, really bug Me. Pardon Me, did I say little things? I meant gigantic colossal mistakes.

For one, the entire building is made out of white marble. LAME! I, The Almighty Lord, much prefer gray stone. For another, the St. Michael and St. Louis altars were designed by Tiffany & Co. GAY!

Then there’s the bust of Pope John Paul II in the back of the rectory. Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like him. Looks more like a cross between a drag queen who just got punched in the chops and a severely strung out on heroin Lou Gossett, Jr.

And the list of defects just goes on and on. The spacing on the third row of pews is off by almost a full inch; I’m pretty sure the lead architect was half-retarded. The stained-glass windows are pedestrian and obvious; the spires are too tall; and there is not one single gargoyle present on the entire cathedral. Seriously! Not a single one. Is it too much to ask to get some freaking gargoyles?!

Also, how come no flying buttresses? Not one flying buttress. Oh, I guess the Americans were so technologically advanced they didn’t need anything awesome and cool-looking to prop up and support their fancy-schmancy new cathedral. Jerks.

The whole design of St. Patrick’s is just uninspired. I mean, just look at that picture! It’s hideous. And it’s such a wannabe cathedral. Sorry St. Patty’s, but no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be one of the greats. You’ll never rank up there with the Notre Dames or the Durhams of this world.

You know, a cathedral used to mean something. It used to be a thing of wonder, built by mostly agrarian European peoples over the course of several generations, usually taking several hundred years to complete at the cost of thousands upon thousands of lives and untold misery and hardship.

And what did it take the Americans to complete St. Patrick’s Cathedral? Only 20 years, start to finish, at a cost of a measly 562 lives.

PFF! Not much of a sacrifice if you ask Me.

*Also, why do they let every high school choir come and sing there? I’d rather listen to an elderly cat getting scraped against a cheese-grater.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I would like to talk about something that truly disgusts Me – the fucking stupid butt-fucking slanty-eyed continent of Asia.

Asia is a huge FUCKING waste of space and I despise every last FUCKING country, animal* and heathen-commie-bastard living there. However, I don’t hate the topography. Unlike Africa – which I am deeply, deeply ashamed of – I’m actually kind of satisfied with the land I made in Asia (with the exception of the Russian, Mongol and Kazakhstani areas).

No, it’s strictly the people and the governments of Asia I FUCKING loathe. Why you ask? Because they don’t FUCKING Worship Me! I mean, for FUCK-Sake! I’m only the FUCKING Flawless Creator of the Entire FUCKING Universe, but do they FUCKING care? No, they totally FUCKING ignore Me.

And what do they do instead? Waste their FUCKING time worshipping FUCKING impudent philosophers and smelly 4-armed bitches and all kinds of other STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT.

But you know what really, just absolutely FUCKING kills me about Asia? The crazy number of people there that spend their whole lives just blatantly FUCKING ignoring My Existence. It’s the largest continent on My Planet and it contains over 60% of all FUCKING human life. THAT’S 4 BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! And I, The Almighty Lord, only have a pitiful 25 million followers in the entire stupid FUCKING continent!!!

Absolutely FUCKING pathetic. But ya know, I can’t help but feel that it’s partially My Fault. Maybe if I hadn’t wasted so much FUCKING time focusing solely on Israel back in the old days, maybe if I had just diversified more, I wouldn’t have this FUCKING problem today.

And there is no FUCKING converting these pagans either! I know, I’ve tried. I’ve sent wave after wave of My most intimidating FUCKING missionaries there, all to no FUCKING avail. Did you know worship of Me is FUCKING banned in China? It’s FUCKING true!

I tell you, it’s FUCKING frustrating. As a result, I mostly try to smite Asians as much as I FUCKING can. I’m always smiting them with tsunamis and earthquakes and volcanoes and plagues and small penis. Why, just last week I hit up China with a FUCKING ‘quake and Myanmar with a FUCKING Cyclone. Even still, I only managed to kill a measly 120,000 FUCKING Asians. Great. Only another FUCKING 3,999,880,000 more to go.

*I’m the reason Pandas won’t fuck to save their species. I fucking hate Pandas.

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#20 Cats

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry, I, the Lord God Almighty, choose to focus My Righteous Rage on demon cats that want to suck out your soul and kill your children while they sleep.

I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.

Just for the record, I’d like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.

Long have Lucifer’s race of demon cats brought devastation to My People! In fact, cats are directly responsible for 90% of history’s most evil events. It was a cat who convinced Adolph Hitler to kill My Jews (and to wear a mustache). The Holocaust, Slavery, The Sinking of the Titanic, The Hindenburg Disaster, The Teapot Dome Scandal, The Cancellation of Studio 60, Carlos Mencia – all of these atrocities occurred because of cats.

Also, they like to scratch up your couch and pee on your brand new feather comforter. And sometimes they even poop on your chest while you’re sleeping. I’ve seen these tragedies happen far too many times.

And so I created dogs! Dogs chase and devour cats at every opportunity. Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.

If you be a true believer* in Me, The Almighty God, you will do as I say. I proclaim to you now – if you see a cat, you kill a cat! If a cat follows your son home from the comic book store, grab it by the nape of its neck and drown it while your son watches.

If you go to your new neighbor’s house for dinner and see that he owns a cat, walk right over and snap its neck. I promise you, Satan’s spell will be broken and your neighbor will thank you for it.

If you know an old woman who has a great many cats, go and burn her house down, being careful to shoot her or any kittens that try to escape. If you do these things for Me, I will bless you and your family all of your life.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

*If you are allergic to cats, you are a good person and will go to Heaven.

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I, The Almighty Lord, declare My Righteous Anger with a very large group of human idiots – the 9/11* conspiracy theorists.

Do you know who I’m talking about? These are the scummy people who always try to convince you that the U.S. government or terrorists were the ones responsible for 9/11.

Their preposterous theories include such notions as:

The World Trade Center Buildings were wired with explosives.

United 93 was shot down by the military.

Muslim terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the buildings.

Isn’t it amazing what some people will believe? Completely ludicrous! There is no conspiracy. Everyone with half-a-brain knows it was ME!

Well, they should know anyway. They’ve all been told, over and over again, by the news media (or their sweaty pothead friend) that it was either Osama bin Laden or George W. Bush who did it.

Nope! Sorry! Neither one of those stupid spoiled brats had anything to do with it. I and I alone, The Sovereign Lord God Almighty, was responsible for every phase of the operation – the planning, the flying, the blowing shit up – that was all Me! And quite frankly, I’m sick of other people getting all the credit for My Awesome Works.

I mean, what the hell do I have to do? I even posed in the smoke for you people and what do you do? You give the credit to Satanus. GRRGGH!

It’s like people these days don’t even believe that I’m capable of hate, anger or seriously smiting some shit. But I don’t give a flying fuck. I smote America on 9/11 ’cause I was bored and looking for some fun.

Believe Me human, I am no lovey-dovey-hippie-wuss. I’ll destroy this entire planet again and start over from scratch if I feel like it. Just say the word!

*The phrase 9/11 refers to a series of super-incredible smitings that took place on September 11, 2001.

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