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Archive for April, 2008

#9 The Pope-Mobile

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!With the Pope visiting America, today I’d like to talk about something which displeases Me greatly – the pope-mobile.

Now for the most part, I love My Popes. I enjoy talking with them via the Pope-phone and handing down important messages such as: condoms are evil, anal sex is evil, and Friday is the day to eat fish.

And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.

Which is why it’s so disappointing for Me to see him using the pope-mobile. Not only does it make him look like a total wuss, it shows a distinct lack of faith in My Divine Protection over him.

By riding behind bulletproof glass, it’s almost like he’s saying to the world, “if you try to shoot me, God will not save me! I’ll just get shot and die!”

Which is SO not true! I would totally stop those bullets in mid-air, just like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. But no. I’ll never get the chance to prove My Awesome Bullet-Stopping-Powers because of the stupid gay-ass pope-mobile.

Seriously, what could be more cowardly than hiding behind bulletproof glass? It’s embarrassing. He looks like such a pansy in that thing.

I mean, this guy is supposed to be representing ME, the Blessed Lord and Master of the Entire Universe, on Earth. He should be out running marathons and pulling boats around with his teeth. That Jack Lalanne would’ve made such a great pope.

Another ballsy guy I always wished could’ve become Pope was that stuntman Evil Knievel. Now he had some serious balls. If only he didn’t already have ‘evil’ in his name. Oh well.

So anyway, I hate the pope-mobile. And I guess I’m kind of mad at Benedict for using it and looking like such a super-lame.

Ah! But who am I kidding? I just can’t stay mad at him. He’s really helped out My Church…a lot! Seriously. Over the years he’s done whatever it took to keep those prepubescent snitches quiet.

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#8 Anal

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!Today I would like to talk about something that has disgusted Me ever since I first saw two curious men discover it – anal sex.

But before I get into that, I’d like to clear up a common misconception.

You know, church leaders are always telling people I hate homosexuals. Not true.

“God hates fags!” they’ll say. “Look it up! It’s in the Bible! God killed every queer in Sodom and Gomorrah!”

While it’s true that technically, yes, I did turn everyone in those towns into ash, it’s only because there was this volcano I totally spaced on. Had absolutely nothing to do with the men there being gay.

On the contrary – I love homos! I love their music, their devotion to cleanliness, and their impeccable fashion sense. In fact, I have several gay friends. Two of the twelve apostles are gay. But not with each other.

So once and for all, let Me be as clear as I can on this:

I do not hate fags. I hate anal.

See the distinction there? I guess I could understand why people get confused. But be you gay or straight, if you do anal you face My Wrath.

Why you ask?

BECAUSE! That’s not what I made dicks for.

I designed the penis, ok? I created it. Me. And that means I get to decide how it gets used.

It’s simple. The penis is for going in (and out) of the vagina. And for peeing your name in the snow. That’s it!

The anus, on the other hand, was designed solely for pooping. Exit. Only.

The penis does not and should not – ever and for any reason – travel into the anus. This is a clear violation.

Don’t get me wrong! It’s ok to be gay. You just can’t have butt-sex.

As far as I’m concerned, love anyone you want. Two men want to get married? Fine. As long as one of them gets a sex-change and has a vagina installed.

But please, no more anal. It’s gross!

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#7 Women

Evil bitches

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about – My deep and abiding hatred for women.

Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it.

I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want. I’m sure you’re wondering about all My Conquests.

Aphrodite? Did her.

Lakshmi, the 4-armed Hindu Sex Goddess? You bet.

Marilyn Monroe? I have her tied up in My Bed right now.

Yup, I’ve basically had sex with every hot woman who ever existed. Many, many times.

But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!

And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.

I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.

But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.

SLUT!I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

They’re rife with design flaws. I mean, sure, they look fabulous and you just want to grab’em and do nasty things. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re all vile, selfish little whores that scowl at you when you hold the door open for them. And do they ever say thank you?

The answer is: rarely. I’ve watched every instance of this situation since doors were first invented. And women only say thank you 17% of the time. Mostly they just stride through like it’s every man’s job to hold doors open for strange bitches.

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I HATE WOMEN! If you’re a woman, you know this to be true. Deep down, you’ve always known.

But I digress. Getting back to that slut Eve, what do you think is the first thing that backstabbing bitch ever did?

Yup, that’s right. Stab Me in the back. She betrayed Me, the Lord God Almighty, who gave her absolutely everything, for some smooth-talking serpent. BITCH!

Also, at around the same time all this was going on I was on a lot of painkillers because I had just caught Aphrodite cheating on Me with this douche Adonis.

So anyway, I decided to punish women for all eternity. You might not be aware of this, but I made it so that they bleed once a month. For a week!

I also made several sweet alterations to the pregnancy process. See, originally, the human pregnancy cycle was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I extended that to nine long months of weight gain.

Also, babies were originally only going to be about the size of a Raisinet and would be born out of the woman’s mouth. I changed this so that the average baby weighed 7 pounds and came out headfirst through the most painful place possible (the vagina.)

Finally, I made women half as strong as men, so that a man could always just beat the crap out of a woman if she ever got too annoying.

HA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WOMAN!

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#6 ‘The Virgin’ Mary

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!It’s not easy for Me to admit this, but I’ve hated that fame-whore Mary ever since she came up to Heaven and started trying to boss Me around. She’s been walking around up there like she owns the place for two thousand years now, and quite frankly, I’ve had all I can take of her bitching.

Seriously, who the hell does that wench think she is? Oh, sure, she’s the ‘mother’ of Jesus. But only because I, the Blessed Lord of the Entire Universe, made it so.

Before I picked Mary to be the surrogate mother for My son, she was a nobody. People would’ve never known she existed if it wasn’t for Me.

Honestly, all she ever did was receive My Divine Sperm and pump out a child. Sure, she provided her human egg. So what?

And I’m sick of hearing people call her ‘The Virgin’ Mary. She wasn’t a virgin, ok? She was only called that because she had sex with so many virgins. By the time I got to her she had already devirginized half the stable boys in Nazareth.

And after she became known as the Mother of the Son of Me, I had to watch her (I have to watch everything) cheat on Joseph with an entire legion of Roman soldiers.

Maybe I should have paradropped Jesus into Nazareth a full grown man, and just let people wonder where this miracle-maker came from. You know, in retrospect, that would’ve been much more impressive.

Wow! I feel a lot better now having gotten that off My Chest. I mean, I still want to smite her (of course), but I can probably resist the urge now for another couple millenia or so.

Well anyway, hopefully no one in Heaven ever finds out about this blog of Mine and tells Jesus or Mary. It might make things a bit awkward at home.

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#5 Onions on Pizza

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

In this entry, I would like to talk about one of the banes of My Existence – onions on pizza.

I don’t know why, but it seems like every time I order a pizza from Heaven’s Pizza Hut, they always manage to screw it up. I always call up and order My favorite – pepperoni and sausage – and I swear, every time I’m trying to enjoy it, I find a couple small onion bits in there that just ruin the whole pizza.

It’s crazy, because you’d think that a couple tiny pieces of onion wouldn’t be able to poison the taste of an entire pizza, but they do!

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even have to bite into a slice, I can just tell from the smell. When this happens it drives Me into a violent rage I cannot explain – the last time it happened I struck down the CEO of Pizza Hut (by crushing him under his garage door.)

Anyway, I also really hate onions in other foods too, like in pasta salads. But it’s weird, because I don’t hate onions entirely. I mean, I could eat a bloomin’ onion any day of the week, and I love caramelized onions.

Onions on pizza though? Blech!

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#4 Patrick Swayze

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your handsome Creator!Now I would like to focus My Righteous Anger on someone totally deserving of My Wrath – Patrick Swayze.

If you haven’t heard of him, I’m not surprised. He’s an American actor who briefly attained fame in the late 1980’s, and he’s been pissing me off for years. And now, thanks to My Mysterious Ways, he’s going to die.

See, back when Patrick was a young man, he prayed to Me for help. His devastatingly good looks pleased Me, so I blessed his career. In return, he promised to go to church every week and devote his life to being My humble servant.

I got him cast in big-budget Hollywood movies. Films like Dirty Dancing, Ghost, and Roadhouse. And even though those movies were all terrible – TERRIBLE! – I stretched My Divine Power to the limits to get people to perceive them as treasured American classics.

Do you have any idea how hard it was to get people to love, I mean truly love Roadhouse? It almost killed Me!

I, The Blessed Lord of the Universe, bent the rules of reality to make Swayze a star. His undeserved rise to fame almost brought an end to all existence!

Patrick Swayze took the fame, he took the money, and he took all the women he wanted. But did he thank Me? Well, yes. But not enough!

Best Movie EVEROh sure, he was a good person his whole life. And I guess he was a loving father and family man. And yes, he went to church every week just like he promised. But whatever. There were a few times there when he seemed a little less than enthusiastic about it all.

And yeah, maybe he did give a lot of money to charity. Big deal. He was obviously just trying to buy Me off.

I just feel like, for all that I did for Swayze, he should have brought a solid 10 to 20 million pagans into My flock. But he didn’t. I’ve actually lost another 3 million followers since the release of Point Break.

I gave him plenty of time to repay Me, but his looks have faded now and I just don’t see it happening. So when I finally let Patrick die (after an excruciatingly long and painful struggle), I will have no choice but to cast him down into the fiery pits of hell.

Let this be a warning to the rest of you.

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#3 Foreskins

Backstabbing bastard Adam

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your handsome Creator!

Of the many human body parts I intensely dislike, there is none I hate more than the foreskin. I believe this small stretch of penile tissue is responsible for turning more men away from Me, the Almighty Lord your God, than anything Lucifer has ever done.

See, back when I was designing the first man, I decided to just make him look exactly like Me. Perfect in every way. I sat naked in the Heavenly Hall of Mirrors for a couple of hours and sculpted Adam’s body to look just like Mine.

And so I gave Adam a huge penis. With some balls. And a foreskin.

And as you all know, that accursed foreskin made sex such a wondrous experience for Adam that he turned away from Me for that dirty-slut-whore Eve.

I blame Eve, but I mostly blame the foreskin, with its thousands upon thousands of pleasure-inducing nerve-endings. Damn you foreskin!

Despite all My best efforts, of the total number of penises worldwide today, 87% still have foreskins. This is a travesty!

I consider every male attached to those foreskins My forsworn enemy! I also consider any woman who has sex with an uncircumcised man equally culpable! As Myself as My witness, they will all burn with Eve in the fiery pits of hell!

However, should you forsake foreskins and join Me in the crusade against them, I will give you My Help whenever you need it!

Abraham gets a little skittish.Let Me tell you a little story. Many years after My experience with Adam, I met this guy Abraham. He seemed like a straight shooter, so I decided to make him and his descendants My Chosen People. Basically, this just meant I would hook him up with sweet manna from Heaven from time to time, and a few miracles here and there (as needed.)

In exchange, Abraham and all his people had to promise to worship Me and keep the Sabbath holy, and you know, do all the little things that make Me feel super special. However, I still had serious trust issues thanks to Adam, and so I told Abraham he would have to prove his loyalty to Me – by chopping off his precious foreskin!

Well, as you might imagine, Abraham was pretty skittish about it. In fact, no lie, it almost queered the deal. But then I told him his whole household would have to do it too, and all his slaves, and all his descendants, and that seemed to make him feel a lot better. I think he just didn’t want to be the only no-foreskin-having-freak in antiquity.

So anyway, long story short, Abraham did it! He cut off a piece of his penis for Me. And so did all his descendents – to this very day! And I’m proud to say I’ve kept up My end of the bargain too. Whenever the Jews have needed My help, I’ve always been there for them 110%.

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