Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
With the Pope visiting America, today I’d like to talk about something which displeases Me greatly – the pope-mobile.
Now for the most part, I love My Popes. I enjoy talking with them via the Pope-phone and handing down important messages such as: condoms are evil, anal sex is evil, and Friday is the day to eat fish.
And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.
Which is why it’s so disappointing for Me to see him using the pope-mobile. Not only does it make him look like a total wuss, it shows a distinct lack of faith in My Divine Protection over him.
By riding behind bulletproof glass, it’s almost like he’s saying to the world, “if you try to shoot me, God will not save me! I’ll just get shot and die!”
Which is SO not true! I would totally stop those bullets in mid-air, just like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. But no. I’ll never get the chance to prove My Awesome Bullet-Stopping-Powers because of the stupid gay-ass pope-mobile.
Seriously, what could be more cowardly than hiding behind bulletproof glass? It’s embarrassing. He looks like such a pansy in that thing.
I mean, this guy is supposed to be representing ME, the Blessed Lord and Master of the Entire Universe, on Earth. He should be out running marathons and pulling boats around with his teeth. That Jack Lalanne would’ve made such a great pope.
Another ballsy guy I always wished could’ve become Pope was that stuntman Evil Knievel. Now he had some serious balls. If only he didn’t already have ‘evil’ in his name. Oh well.
So anyway, I hate the pope-mobile. And I guess I’m kind of mad at Benedict for using it and looking like such a super-lame.
Ah! But who am I kidding? I just can’t stay mad at him. He’s really helped out My Church…a lot! Seriously. Over the years he’s done whatever it took to keep those prepubescent snitches quiet.