In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”
GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.
Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”
GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.
Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”
GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?
The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”
GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.
Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”
GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.
Molly: “God, are you white?”
GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?
Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”
GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.