Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about something I genuinely hate – being crucified.
You know, if there’s one thing I don’t ever want to experience again, it’s being nailed to a cross and poked with spears. Man, that really hurt.
Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true!
See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.
So that was Me up there on the cross. I mean, I was also in Heaven watching, but whatever. I don’t want to confuse your simple human mind. However you want to look at it, getting crucified by Romans totally sucks monkey balls.
Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard you cried? Ok, now take that pain and multiply it by about a zillion. Are you beginning to understand what I went through for you people?
Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention that.
I let Myself get killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible, and all for your benefit. You ungrateful bastard!
I got killed for you and you barely even go to church anymore! And the last time you went you only put five dollars in the collection plate. You cheap schmuck!
Give Me more money or face My Wrath!