Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
It’s not easy for Me to admit this, but I’ve hated that fame-whore Mary ever since she came up to Heaven and started trying to boss Me around. She’s been walking around up there like she owns the place for two thousand years now, and quite frankly, I’ve had all I can take of her bitching.
Seriously, who the hell does that wench think she is? Oh, sure, she’s the ‘mother’ of Jesus. But only because I, the Blessed Lord of the Entire Universe, made it so.
Before I picked Mary to be the surrogate mother for My son, she was a nobody. People would’ve never known she existed if it wasn’t for Me.
Honestly, all she ever did was receive My Divine Sperm and pump out a child. Sure, she provided her human egg. So what?
And I’m sick of hearing people call her ‘The Virgin’ Mary. She wasn’t a virgin, ok? She was only called that because she had sex with so many virgins. By the time I got to her she had already devirginized half the stable boys in Nazareth.
And after she became known as the Mother of the Son of Me, I had to watch her (I have to watch everything) cheat on Joseph with an entire legion of Roman soldiers.
Maybe I should have paradropped Jesus into Nazareth a full grown man, and just let people wonder where this miracle-maker came from. You know, in retrospect, that would’ve been much more impressive.
Wow! I feel a lot better now having gotten that off My Chest. I mean, I still want to smite her (of course), but I can probably resist the urge now for another couple millenia or so.
Well anyway, hopefully no one in Heaven ever finds out about this blog of Mine and tells Jesus or Mary. It might make things a bit awkward at home.