Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Now I would like to focus My Righteous Anger on someone totally deserving of My Wrath – Patrick Swayze.
If you haven’t heard of him, I’m not surprised. He’s an American actor who briefly attained fame in the late 1980’s, and he’s been pissing me off for years. And now, thanks to My Mysterious Ways, he’s going to die.
See, back when Patrick was a young man, he prayed to Me for help. His devastatingly good looks pleased Me, so I blessed his career. In return, he promised to go to church every week and devote his life to being My humble servant.
I got him cast in big-budget Hollywood movies. Films like Dirty Dancing, Ghost, and Roadhouse. And even though those movies were all terrible – TERRIBLE! – I stretched My Divine Power to the limits to get people to perceive them as treasured American classics.
Do you have any idea how hard it was to get people to love, I mean truly love Roadhouse? It almost killed Me!
I, The Blessed Lord of the Universe, bent the rules of reality to make Swayze a star. His undeserved rise to fame almost brought an end to all existence!
Patrick Swayze took the fame, he took the money, and he took all the women he wanted. But did he thank Me? Well, yes. But not enough!
Oh sure, he was a good person his whole life. And I guess he was a loving father and family man. And yes, he went to church every week just like he promised. But whatever. There were a few times there when he seemed a little less than enthusiastic about it all.
And yeah, maybe he did give a lot of money to charity. Big deal. He was obviously just trying to buy Me off.
I just feel like, for all that I did for Swayze, he should have brought a solid 10 to 20 million pagans into My flock. But he didn’t. I’ve actually lost another 3 million followers since the release of Point Break.
I gave him plenty of time to repay Me, but his looks have faded now and I just don’t see it happening. So when I finally let Patrick die (after an excruciatingly long and painful struggle), I will have no choice but to cast him down into the fiery pits of hell.
Let this be a warning to the rest of you.