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Archive for April, 2008

#15 Science

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.

But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!

I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye – they’re all going to hell when they die.

Facts, evidence, hypotheses – BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.

I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.

Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.

It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.

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#14 American Idol

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I would like to talk about the most evil, stupid show on television today – American Idol.

I hate American Idol. It’s blatantly blasphemous! For the love of Me, it’s got Idol right in the name!

Remember? Idolatry? One of the ten things I banned way back when?

You have all completely forgotten the first and second commandments:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me
2.
You shall not make for yourself an idol

Must I remind you that the point of all existence is to worship Me?! You people put TV before Me, and then dedicate all your time to making new idols. Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks – all demons sent from hell to distract you from how Awesome My Singing Voice is!

And let’s not forget the ‘judges.’ Simon Cowell is a pompous asshole who beats his wife, Paul Abdul is a pill-popping cum-guzzling gutter-slut, and Randy Jackson is a fat bastard who murdered a guy once. And Americans worship this three-headed monster three nights a week and then sleep in on Sundays.

That’s another thing I hate about American Idol – the crazy numbers it gets. It averages 30 million heathen viewers every show. That’s roughly 90 million more American souls I have to damn to hell every week!

And America used to be My Favorite Country too. They used to print on the money, “In God We Trust.” I really liked that. It was flattering.

Yup, I used to bless the U.S.A. whenever I was asked. But no more. Now I curse this land of apostasy! You have American Idol to thank for that.

For the record, I have no problem with Ryan Seacrest. He’s actually pretty cool.

Note: I also don’t like how American Idol raises money to help Africa.

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#13 Cops

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorIn this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.

Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.

Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).

See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just ‘cause I had long hair and wore sandals.

And it didn’t stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they’d be waiting to take Me in for ‘questioning.’ That means they gave Me beatings.

It didn’t seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf#$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.

Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they’re Me, just ‘cause they got a badge and a gun. But they’re not. Shit…they ain’t shit.

Pigs gotta lotta nerve.

*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn’t eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.

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Ask God: April

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”

GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.

QUESTION #2:

Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”

GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.

QUESTION #3:

Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”

GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?

QUESTION #4:

The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”

GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.

QUESTION #5:

Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”

GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.

QUESTION #6:

Molly: “God, are you white?”

GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?

QUESTION #7:

Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”

GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.

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#12 Blasphemy

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorToday I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!

Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.

I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fucking Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fuck about us!”

HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!

You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.

I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.

You make fun of Me, you die.

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#11 Being Crucified

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

Today I would like to talk about something I genuinely hate – being crucified.

You know, if there’s one thing I don’t ever want to experience again, it’s being nailed to a cross and poked with spears. Man, that really hurt.

Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true!

See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.

So that was Me up there on the cross. I mean, I was also in Heaven watching, but whatever. I don’t want to confuse your simple human mind. However you want to look at it, getting crucified by Romans totally sucks monkey balls.

Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard you cried? Ok, now take that pain and multiply it by about a zillion. Are you beginning to understand what I went through for you people?

Oh yeah, maybe I forgot to mention that.

I let Myself get killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible, and all for your benefit. You ungrateful bastard!

I got killed for you and you barely even go to church anymore! And the last time you went you only put five dollars in the collection plate. You cheap schmuck!

Give Me more money or face My Wrath!

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#10 Hillary Clinton

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Handsome Creator!

On this primary Tuesday, I’d like to take some time from My busy schedule of rigging the election to talk about someone I hate with a passion – Hillary Clinton.

Why do I hate her so much? I don’t know. Not really sure. Just something about her I don’t like I guess.

Maybe it’s because she’s a woman. That’s a big strike against her already because as I discussed last week, I, the Lord your God, hold an eternal grudge against women.

Or maybe it’s her wrinkly, disgusting face. Or the way her eyes bulge out of her head when she gets angry. Or her incredible fat ass.

Or it could be because she’s so fake. Or because she’s such a conniving bitch. Then again, maybe I hate her because her domestic policies are so full of flaws.

Well, whatever the reason, I hate the fat pig and she’s going right back to hell when I let her die. But not before I have some more fun with her while she’s still on Earth.

Oh, I’ve already arranged to have her remembered for all time as the most famous cheated-on wife ever. But I have even more in store for Hillary.

I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure she loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.

This outrage will drive her crazy for the rest of her life. And I’m going to let her live till the age of 103! They’ll still be making Lewinsky jokes then.

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