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Posts Tagged ‘Travel’

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

Today I would like to talk about something that truly disgusts Me – the fucking stupid butt-fucking slanty-eyed continent of Asia.

Asia is a huge FUCKING waste of space and I despise every last FUCKING country, animal* and heathen-commie-bastard living there. However, I don’t hate the topography. Unlike Africa – which I am deeply, deeply ashamed of – I’m actually kind of satisfied with the land I made in Asia (with the exception of the Russian, Mongol and Kazakhstani areas).

No, it’s strictly the people and the governments of Asia I FUCKING loathe. Why you ask? Because they don’t FUCKING Worship Me! I mean, for FUCK-Sake! I’m only the FUCKING Flawless Creator of the Entire FUCKING Universe, but do they FUCKING care? No, they totally FUCKING ignore Me.

And what do they do instead? Waste their FUCKING time worshipping FUCKING impudent philosophers and smelly 4-armed bitches and all kinds of other STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT.

But you know what really, just absolutely FUCKING kills me about Asia? The crazy number of people there that spend their whole lives just blatantly FUCKING ignoring My Existence. It’s the largest continent on My Planet and it contains over 60% of all FUCKING human life. THAT’S 4 BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! And I, The Almighty Lord, only have a pitiful 25 million followers in the entire stupid FUCKING continent!!!

Absolutely FUCKING pathetic. But ya know, I can’t help but feel that it’s partially My Fault. Maybe if I hadn’t wasted so much FUCKING time focusing solely on Israel back in the old days, maybe if I had just diversified more, I wouldn’t have this FUCKING problem today.

And there is no FUCKING converting these pagans either! I know, I’ve tried. I’ve sent wave after wave of My most intimidating FUCKING missionaries there, all to no FUCKING avail. Did you know worship of Me is FUCKING banned in China? It’s FUCKING true!

I tell you, it’s FUCKING frustrating. As a result, I mostly try to smite Asians as much as I FUCKING can. I’m always smiting them with tsunamis and earthquakes and volcanoes and plagues and small penis. Why, just last week I hit up China with a FUCKING ‘quake and Myanmar with a FUCKING Cyclone. Even still, I only managed to kill a measly 120,000 FUCKING Asians. Great. Only another FUCKING 3,999,880,000 more to go.

*I’m the reason Pandas won’t fuck to save their species. I fucking hate Pandas.

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#2 Africa

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful CreatorToday I would like to talk about something I really detest – the continent of Africa.

Africa is a stupid, worthless continent and I regret ever creating it.

You must understand that, back when I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, first created the planet Earth, I was a much younger and inexperienced deity. Back then, My design aesthetic was more than a little amateurish.

As a result, we have the hideous land mass that is Africa. Just nothing but sand and desert all across the top, and disgusting jungles and stuff in the bottom part. And oh look! Lots of rivers and ugly mountains just tacked on all over the place. I just can’t stand even looking at this waste of space anymore.

I mean, seriously – why the hell did I make it so stupid big? It’s huge! I think I knew that Africa was ugly, so I thought I could make up for it, overcompensate you might say, by making it so ludicrously large. I should have just destroyed the whole thing and started over, but by then I had already spent like almost an entire day on it, and I had a 7-day schedule to keep. I wasn’t about to give up My day off.

But beyond hating how it looks, I also really, really hate all the people who live in Africa. They are immoral, animalistic heathens who refuse to acknowledge My Divine Power (although they have been given every opportunity to do so.) And so I like to keep them oppressed, poor and AIDS-infected.

I also really enjoy watching them starve.

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