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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

God in the News – Guardian Angels

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Greetings humans. You know, I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately; My latest smite on China only managed to kill a measly 3 babies; sacrilegious scientists are getting ever closer to finding My Divine Particle; and one of My Angels failed to smite these two douchebags for Me. Also, I’m on bad terms with Jesus and that slut-whore Mary right now. But then just when things couldn’t get any worse, I read about this and felt completely restored:

Most Americans Believe in Guardian Angels

I love Americans! They are so good to Me. Sometimes I feel like the American people are MY guardian angels.

No matter how hard I smite them, those wonderful little sheeple just keep on believing in Me! Their faith is truly astonishing.

I can ravage their country over and over and over again with My Hurricane and Tornado Smites, destroy their tallest buildings AND their economy, and even make the entire Universe hate them…and yet they never stop loving Me.

America is indeed a great country. She is like one of those wonderful beaten wives; you can fuck her and beat her and then fuck her and beat her again, and she will just be grateful if you let her live!

The infinite faith Americans put in Me -and in My Army of Angels – makes me very happy. But in reading this article, what makes Me happier still is how they always assume My Angels are on Earth solely for their protection. What a conceited fallacy!

American Angels NEVER look like this. They are fat.

American Angels don't look like this. They are unsightly slobs.

I would put the amount of time the average Angelic foot soldier spends protecting a human to be about 5%, at best. Most of the time they are carrying out various smite missions. Perhaps the reason Americans believe in ‘guardian’ angels is because, like Americans themselves, the Angels I have covering the USA are slovenly and incompetent.

Take the case of these two dirty rock music bastards. I signed a standard form #747 Plane-Crash Smite Order for their deaths, and one of My American Angels screwed up the hit-job because he smoked a fat blunt beforehand. And yet these two rocker idiots (and their fans) will likely attribute their continued existence to the presence of a ‘guardian’ angel. HA!

Americans, you are very lovable little fools. You just keep believing in Me and My Angel Death Squadrons no matter what, ok? I like that. One of these days I will get around to tossing a few more blessings your way. I swear to Me.

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God in the News – The Iraq War

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was watching ABC last night, when I caught this interview with the future Vice-King of America:

Sarah Palin on God and the Iraq War

YOU ESKIMO-BLOWING PIG-CUNT-WHORE!

YOU LYING BLUBBER-EATING COWARD!

YOU SEAL-CLUBBING….well actually, I rather enjoy the seal-clubbing, but that’s not the point. DAMN YOU PALIN! YOU UGLY BITCH!

You told everyone the truth; that the Iraq War is all part of My Divine Plan. And then you gutlessly backpedaled, as if suggesting that I would ever be in favor of a war was something crazy. It’s not crazy! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love creating new dead soldiers!

Well, now your son will be one of them! When he deploys in several weeks, no matter how you try to protect him from harm, he will die!

SO SPEAKETH THE LORD!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I am pleased to announce that My Holy Crusade against the heathen nation of China and its evil Olympic games is going splendidly:

Olympics, NBC dogged by fakery accusations

HA! Take that China! It was I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, who leaked this story to the press and exposed you! Because you refused to bow to My Will and cancel these Olympic games, now the world will forever know just how fake and worthless you are.

Can you believe it? China, the country that invented fireworks, actually resorted to using lame, fakey-looking computer-generated fireworks. Well, they were pathetic and fooled no one. Typical of China.

Also, because no one enjoys watching the ugly sing, China faked their national anthem by having a pretty Chinese girl lip-sync the voice of a hideous, jagged-toothed Chinese girl. Does this not astound you?

In a nation of over a billion people, those commie bastards could not find one beautiful Chinese girl with an equally beautiful singing voice. This is, of course, because China’s most talented and attractive baby girls are all aborted and fed to the Chinese Premier and his cadre of blood-sucking Communist officials.

Lastly, as the picture at the top of this post shows, China (poorly) faked being a decent place to live. Well, it’s not. Oppression, poverty, and mediocre CGI effects are rampant. And now everyone knows it.

AND SO I SMITE YOU CHINA! AND I SMITE YOUR ACCOMPLICE, NBC! I SMITE YOU BOTH WITH SULLIED REPUTATIONS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER RECOVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I was once again googling My Name, as I am wont to do, when I saw this preposterous story:

Senator Suing God Urges Judge to Proceed

What an utterly ridiculous, absolutely frivolous lawsuit. To think, this trifling mortal actually thinks he can sue Me – The Almighty Lord and Ruler of the Entire Universe – for My hard-earned Tithings!

It is blasphemous, idiotic, and completely without logic of any kind.

How can man sue God? You might as well try and sue the wind. For I tell you now, there is no justice without My Say-So! I AM JUSTICE!

And yet this insolent heretic somehow thinks he has the right to accuse Me. ME! The One who gave him his wife and children and a good home. He actually has the nerve to accuse Me of having caused “widespread death upon millions” of humans.

Well….of course I have! What does he expect?! It is My Sacred Duty to mete out death and destruction upon humanity.

Fucking hell! If I didn’t do it, it would never get done!

He also accuses Me of making “terroristic threats” against him and his children. WELL OF COURSE I HAVE! He’s suing Me! That’s what you’re supposed to do when someone sues you.

Well, if this doofus of a senator (who looks homeless) somehow thinks I’m showing up to any of these hearings in a physical form, he’s got another thing coming. Namely, a hefty smiting.

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